I am so glad it is break. So much junk is happening around me. It seems like a lot of people want me to screw up. I am not perfect but I know I am trying harder than most.
I am breaking free from others opinions of me and focusing on what Christ wants for me and just keep on trying.
I finally figured it out. I am in a position where I cannot succeed in logic. But the Lord is more powerful and He can help me succeed. Second I am having the pressure put on me task is impossible but I am convinced that with the Lord's help I can do what I am called to do.
I am praying for resitution but I feel my word for this year is revision. May I be open to any changes I need to make but also that the people who are being stupid will be removed.
After putting my heart and soul in my lesson plans and activities I am told by the sped director that she needs to see more stuff in my lesson plans. I could scream. I have done what is best for kids, dealt with too many kids and being excellent in all I do. And then an aide that is trying to sabotage me. I am tired everyday. How much more stupid can I take. I will do what I am told but treat my classroom as a bonus anytime my aide does anything else but these stupid copious notes. I need a breakthrough. I have worked so hard and I know Lord you have been with me. Bring justice to this situation. Help the RBT to find a more suitable place for her, the BCBA to find another school district and may I have a heart of teach a bility.
This has been quite the weekend. First of all I wanted to see about the curriculum that I thought I was told I had to use. When I reached out to others for help the OT got frustrated with me, the para I had suddenly flipped out with texts and an email and the BCBA was upset because she was mad at me. My boss and I had a good talk about it. They meet without me on Monday. It is still such a mess.
Second I was dreading seeing my in laws. They are so toxic. I am hoping after all of this they will just move away. Yesterday I was going to skip seeing them and my husband got upset and said all kinds of things verbally threatening me with saying he was going to tell it all with them. Then he said he felt abandoned. I told him I was going with him and that I did not want him to feel abandoned. I was able to separate my feelings and just do what was right. I also told him I understood what abandoned meant and that we needed to have a talk about this after the funeral. He wanted answers and statements just then. I said it was not the time and place. I kept my cool when I saw them. The same stupid as before.
I need to pray for a clear head, wisdom in my mouth and mind and to look at things factually not emotionally.
I am thankful for a boss that supports me, teachers who include me and the fact that I am learning how to separate facts from feelings.
I don't want to see my in laws. I don't want to deal with stuff. But my husband says he feels abandoned. I feel like that a lot but this weekend is not the time to deal with it. I chose to not fall into the guilt trip or anger. God is my super hero
First of all it was a crappy day. The autism idiot is now bringing curriculum. I am just trying to find my way with all the cray cray. First of all the bcba came and you know she caused problems. She manipulated all the time with my aide and my her person suffered. My aide is conflicted with getting two sides of the story. Then the bcba was talking and then I was having trouble with my one student. Two teachers and two students. I had four. I asked for help but she would not help. On top of it I had my student left behind, my aide telling the volunteer what to do.
Tomorrow I will be open to the curriculum but until I am told from my principal I will not.
Then my MIL passed away and i get to deal with my inlaws for the weekend. I do not look forward to crazy.
Today I kept my cool when people tried to manipulate situations. I learned a quick prayer and pausing before I spoke. Good things. Jamarr's behavior went well the first part of the day and he lined up right away.
First of all I am thankful that unexpectantly I got to see my dad perform a baptism. How cool was that. Then I had the wrong lesson planned and the Lord worked it out that I was able to change successfully on a dime with another one. Then I saw my pastor and how he is really a needing attention kid at heart. I even heard a life changing call on Dr. Laura today. I trust God that you have my back. Thanks Lord for your blessings today.
I have been having quite vivid dreams lately. One is that I have been trying to get help for a problem that essentially is not my fault. I try the police, husband, and no avail. When I woke up I realized that I needed to pray and ask God for help with these situations. Another that I am in a space where there is evil and I don't feel comfortable about venturing out there. When I try to control the situation somehow more nick nacks appear. I can't control others but I can control myself.
Wednesday I finally made the decision to go see the doctor. I thought let me see if I can get into my own nurse. It was a long shot because Wed. and Fridays are terrible days to see the doctor. I made an appointment on Thursday but wondered if I could do Wed. Actually I was able to get in at 3 and the moment my doctor saw me she said I needed to stay home. I ended up getting RSV and I do have the days to spare but I never would of thought God would answer my prayer with a paid time off. I also prayed if I was to go in vs a virtual visit and the Lord helped me go in. Despite the fact I feel crappy I knew there was a miracle in place. Thank you Jesus
Today I had a interesting day. First of all my trouble student came back and then my new boy is another kid on another level. I thought Covid Kindergarten was crazy last year but this is definitely better in the fact that I don't get in trouble all the time but pretty crazy.
I did find a way to get my new kiddo on track but it is still nutso.
I need extra pair of hands. Lord help me show this to my sped boss and that I will get the help. Help my principal see the good stuff not the stupid stuff.
I have been suffering from colds and coughs since September. Part of it is allergies and also that I have a student who has a constant infection and despite my continual washing my hands I still get sick.
But I am so thankful for some good things. Lots of rest this weekend. Finding Cordoroy at Kohl's , a purse I needed at just the right price and cool stuff at the Dollar Tree.
Lately I have been looking at my life and thinking often to myself. Really? Someone sharing my room. More students to my caseload. A child who was supposed to go to another setting. Crazy.
But I am reminded of the scriptures to live at peace with everyone. To be the silent fool and depend on the Lord and that He will take care of me.
I need to stand back and see the goodness of God and be pleased with the progress He has given me.
Students that are now sitting and working consistently. Creative ways to show academia. Patience and wisdom for troubled students.
Yesterday I found out this rascal who is dangerous to himself and others is coming back. He is not supposed to but all I can think about is that there is a reason. I have been pushed to the limit so much this year. I would love a month of peace for a change. I am bloody and tired from the journey of all kinds of stupid from my pastor wishing a heart attack on himself for rest and kids who are openly rude to me in kids church.
I trust you Lord you are using this to minister to this child and that my attitude will be a witness to others. And I will be a tougher bird.
Still not easy and fair but life is not fair but equal for each person.
Yesterday in kids church was interesting. The kids were arguing with the staff one kid openly mocked me and the dad did nothing about it. A kid stole one of my figits and parents got to decide where a kid goes. I am so over it. I see this at work and I don't need this as a volunteer. Then my pastor says last Sunday he would love to have a break like my dad who had triple bipass. Life is crazy but I can't control any of it. I am promised one thing at work and something else happens. So easy to complain. Again God I leave it in your hands. I am glad He is in control.
I am learning that every time I turn a car on, start my wash machine, dryer, have a few less kids than normal, have Ava listen to me that is a blessing. I am thankful for the little blessings like my dad and mom still being here, a nice phone call or something else. I am blessed
Never in my life have I had a student like Sebastian. He was only 5 but I never heard anyone swear as much as him. I saw PDST, Bi Polar, AHDA, Dillustional and also properly some demonic opression and possession. This child was not only constantly on the move but also doing dangerous things all day. Some days I tallied over 250 to 300 dangerous behavior. I will continue to pray for Sebastain but I feel like I have been part of a war.
Everyone had answers but frankly they were good to the world but absolutely stupid. I saw people who wanted to help me but I also saw others who used my situation to make themselves look better.
This weekend has been good. I needed some rest from the war. I did not get written up. I still have my job and this child is gone.
I also have some kids that are really challenging as they are 15 to 18 months of age. I am supposed to teach them yet their academic abilities are so limited. I wonder how much is a DD and others environment.
Friday night I saw some people who in the past have caused me damage. And I looked at them and realized my life was better because of their mistakes.
I see so many believers that I considered great people of God go back and either stay where they are or see things that are evil are not acceptable to me anymore.
Thank you Lord for helping me to be strong. Thank you for all the good and bad experiences.
I am now debating what worlds i am returning to. Running groups. It is so much easier to run alone and on my time table. But after all the posts for my birthday I wonder what I should go back to. They need Jesus too.
I am also thinking of leaving the WBT community. I may never get to that level of teaching and the pressure and the stress of always having to be on and trying new things and especially this year I can't use any of it I wonder if it is my time to say goodbye.
I have worked really hard not to but today I really blew it. I was coming back from my special and I had to grab four of my students while the one was running down the hall. He locked me out a few times. Finally I was able to get him to sit down. Then the case worker came in and said he was hurting himself with a rope. I stupidly did not ask the cw to call herself but instead sent a message myself. I am really scared. I tried to get help for this kid for the past week and a half. It has been almost impossible to get anything done in my room. I tried to keep my cool and follow the proper channels. Unfortunately I lost it with my boss. Then today I left a message. Stupid me. I know I will get written up for this. I have tried to not to this year. But my emotions got away from me. So hopefully at best I will be written up and worst lose my job. Lord work this crazy situation out. I am so mad about me goofing up and upset that other people did not do their job. I am trying to handle it but apparently this is a God problem and I have to learn from the situation problem.
One of the lessons I have been learning is that I need to throw off my former baggage. Baggage from my last job, of the previous day, opinions, treatment etc. I choose instead to leave things in the hands of the Lord.
Yesterday I left my student with my boss. It was my break and I needed a break. After 5 minutes she gave him to someone else and then became upset with me because I could not handle him. I have no help and I have several students who are flight risks. I learned that I can't fight battles with her because even through she is wrong I can't win. I am proud of myself that I could voice my needs. Never in my life could i be content to make someone mad. I used to be a people pleaser. No more. But I learned I need to choose my words carefully and that they can easily trap me.
It has been quite an adventure for the past few weeks. First I am inodiated with HELP😛😛that is totally worthless. I am very open to suggestions but sometimes it never cease to amaze me how the experts can be completely and utterly morons. It also does not take any brain power to raise kids. They are so behind. Academics are put on the back burner and teaching appropriate social skills comes first. Then promises after promised not kept such as not adding kids to my caseload. And the three I am getting are from extremely dysfunctional families. But I need to remember that my value and worth is from the Lord and even if I have moments of greatness and no one sees I know you do Lord. Help me Lord in these challenges. I do make mistakes and I hate to but I move forward and fix them. It is still challenging to fix other peoples mistakes. I have on my blinders and I forget what the rest of the world is doing and just focus on myself. Nothing is appreciated and actually no help is given but I am sure that the Lord will come through just like he did for Joseph in the prison and the Pharoah's kingdome.
It has been quite the week. First of all my boss asked me to do the bus on Monday. I told her no because it was my Bible Study. I also have had to tell her no regarding taking off work. She does not get it and is in her early 40s. That was me with work etc. I could be mad but I know it is essential I am there for my dad's surgery. Also I made the decision to up my meds and I think with God's help I am doing much better than I would of last year. People at work as a whole were pretty supportive. What a nice change and also I was able to set up my room which is pretty complicated easily. I have learned to ask for what I can do. I think of the verse all things work together for good.
I was reflecting on my BCBA and how she did not give me what I needed yesterday. Initially I was frustrated and what she was asking me to do I had already tried and I forgot I did. Instead of being frustrated with her I choose to let you God take over and if Mikalia is supposed to stay she will and if she is supposed to go she will. What needs to change in my room will change and what needs to be different will be different. I leave it in God's hands.
I am also giving to you God those people who frustrate me. I can't change what is in their minds or their abilities or if they are lazy. Instead I leave those people and the situations in Your Hand Lord.
On Friday I had a situation that I did not listen. God calls us to be quick to listen and slow to anger and Talk. I blew it because I chose not to listen. At first I was beating myself up for it but then I realized it was an opportunity to learn to listen and let the past be the past.
Sunday I was doing a last minute lesson. My friend had prayed for my music but not this. I learned from a student how to more effectively teach a verse and the idea from God popped into my head to make gestures for the key words. God is good.
I was running a half and my goal was to do at least 6 miles at pace. In the meantime I was able to encourage someone. She thanked me the next day. It is good to feel used for helping. But at the end I ran my pace and left her behind. I also knew I needed to care for myself and make safe choices so I would be all right. That is good too.
I was in the store today and I was at the check out. I saw a person taking advantage of the clerk and she was getting nervous. When the clerk walked away I stated to the dishonest person I was frustrated because all of us needed to get to work. The lady in front ( also black) also confronted me that it was a Jewel problem not the dishonest person. I am glad I did not say anything after that but I am proud of me that I kept my mouth shut when I knew I was dealing with fools. They could of been white or black but it was the situation. I will not go to the store if I am in a hurry or for my safety. I was worried that the person would come over and hit me or say more stuff but I saw her go back in with some groceries. I just prayed for my friend the clerk. When I woke up I heard the song Bless Me. Even though the person said God bless I knew she did not know God. Thank you Lord for your protection.
Today one of my students fell in the hallway. She bruised her head very slightly. She is quite wobbly. It happened under my aide’s watch. I sent her to the nurse and later I called the mother. We have had a history where she accused me of something I did not do. I called her and said it just like my boss told me to. It went well. I kept my cool. I worked it out. I will take her to the bathroom by herself from now on. I overcame a 15 year fear.
I was observed today. This was the first time in my life I was not a complete basketcase. Also it was an hour and a half late. I kept my cool. The BCBA came in completely disrupted my room. They are paid to make things better. I wanted an eval so a kid would be out of my room in the right setting for her.
Yesterday I had to spend time with my inlaws. The first part was tough. They treated my MIL like she was a toy taking pictures. Posing, dancing and making her play with their dog. She was pretty drugged up and was half asleep the entire time. I watched as my nephew was very sad as he sat there and no one seemed to notice except me.
When we left an hour and a half later I felt so violated and angry that they had tried to relate to my MIL that way. Then we went to their house. I was so mad we had to go. I told my husband just two hours and I was going to call an Uber if he did not take me home. Things got better. They were nicer.
I noticed a few things when I went. First they did not know how to treat her. They felt guilty for not seeing her more often and they acted pretty silly during that time. I did not have to perform. I just sat there. Third I should of prayed when I got upset. Instead I was just hurt and in pain. Fourth they were pretty cool at the house. Fifth my inlaws must of been hurt while they ministered at the other church. They don't go to church anymore. Sixth my SIL is not saved. She believes someone who is gay can be saved. She is decieved.
I need to pray for them and their salvation. The kids are good people but they are not relying on the Lord.
Glad I don't have to do this until Thanksgiving.
I have been given the reputation to be the one who does not complain. In a few situations recently it has been easy to complain about a few people who are very controlling. I personally think they are jealous and think my job is easy. I have not said their names but I have complained to a couple of teachers. They are like adicts who love to hear that and find out who. I am learning even in this more positive environment I have bullies of a different kind. I also have gossip quite rampid. I need to just shut my mouth and journal, blog and first of all pray. I want to be the change so much and not complain. But it gets hard when your light shines.
I felt out of place in first grade. I think because I was the quirky kid and my interests were not those of others. I desperately tried for friendships. Often I would compromise my comforts for those of others. A group of third graders frequently were playing and they would sing this chant. Cross Cross apple sauce no body else can play with us. If they do we will knock them blue. I would play with them after they chanted it and suddenly I would be hurling to the ground and hit in the head. I would complain to the playground supervisor but they would never listen no matter who it was. They were too busy drinking their coffee or talking with friends. I felt the pain but I just kept on doing it. I can still feel the zing and the pain of every time they kicked me to the ground, Finally I decided that it was enough and I would play by myself. A lot of people thought I was weird. I knew I was safe. I absolutely dreaded going outside. I would just clam up and freeze. No where did it feel safe. To this day I have been extra cautious with my friendships. And I have been burned several times with toxic relationships just wanting to be liked and not disappoint people. I have learned I need to separate myself from others that do that to me. I am valuable and I am worthy to be a friend. I am unique and have lots of offer as a person, I am interesting with my talents and abilities, a helper and a friend.
I don't remember much with my mom hit me in the face. It really hurt and I felt very alone. I would feel so cold . I was embarrassed that I had let my mom do that. I eould feel the For many years I would flinch when someone get too close to my face with their hand. I remember sharing that with a trusted friend and she told me I did not deserve that. That was the first time I had heard that. When a person questions my worth I question my
Whenever I disappoint someone I can remember the time that mom hit me either physically or emotionally. I remember it was a ache but also an empty feeling of worthlessness. I was embarrassed that I allowed my mom to hit me, scream at me and hurt me physically and emotionally. I knew it was wrong but I still felt I did something to make her upset with me. I hated living in fear and walking on egg shells all the time. I believe it affected my relationship to Christ and I felt so alone.
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Yesterday I shared my mom narrative with my husband. He listened and was really moved. We did discuss that my experiece was valid and that God had done a work in my mom and how it affected my whole mental being. I have used that with many of the students I have taught with balancing in bullying and difficult relationships. God works everything out for his good.
Yesterday my case manager came in. We discuss the difficult student. She told me I need to remember why a student is stressed and doing those things. I intially was not happy because it just made my job harder but I need to be thankful for my cm, staff, and those who are my superiors who want to help. What a difference from last year.
I tried to make friendships when I was in first grade and then fourth grade. I remember dreading going to the playground because I would get teased, hit and bullied. No one seemed to take me seriously. I shielded myself by playing by myself.
I let guys when I was younger take advantage of me. I knew it was wrong but I so wanted to have value. I see that in my sister and I realize that happiness is not having a man in your life.
I dreaded my first school teaching experience for nine years. Even though I did make some mistakes I would read the agenda hoping my name was not on it and that I would have to go see my boss during my break. The sad but justice out of the whole situation is that my boss eventually got caught being so rebelious he lost his job.
I had some difficult experiences teaching and realized it was beyond my mistakes but was the cause of other's worthlessness.
I remember that my mom used to have a temper. When I did something to make her upset and most of the time it was childhood ignorance and not my fault. I would run scared in the bedroom or closet upset and crying. My sister when she was little would hide too. Sometimes with me . I would always appologize for my behavior whether my mom asked for forgiveness. I now know that the frustration with a mentally ill mother was part of her problem and that she was just overwhelmed as a parent with me.
I went to work the last five years and learned a lot and last year was the second worst year of my teaching career. I believe that I will learn and grow so I can handle what is put in front of me this year.
I used busyness not to deal with my infertility. I harbored a lot of anger toward my husband to not give me one of the things I desperately wanted.
I used busyness to get the things out of life I desired. I wrote, I trained I taught, I worked with the disabled to find satisfaction in my life.
I quit my part time employment, I stopped being a marathon coach, I am now giving up my future as staff with Whole Brain Teaching. I quit these things because I had become discouraged not being valued and then fearful when I made mistakes.
I got involved with Elevation Church as a way to bridge that gap in my feelings of not being respected at church. I like to have a place where I am valued.
I started not liking going to church when people did not understand infertility. I found out later that my pastor was going through a break down himself. I still don't like going because I am not able to share my talents and abilities. Kids church is a safe place where I can learn, bring value to others and use some of my talents and abilities.
I am mad because it seems like at church I am too old to do worship team. I hate going to the sermons because the pastor gets off track into one of his pre Christian days. He also bad mouths EC. It all comes back to repent, .... My husband seems adored by the staff. It is not fair.
My sister and brother in law seem to use people and are not reliable. They say that they are Christians but they drink, not go to church and make me feel like crap when I visit them. I avoid them as much as possible.
I wish my husband would stand up for me. I feel like I have to always advocate for myself. The experience has made me stronger and if I outlive him I can survive but I would love to have him do those things for me.
Last week was good. My mom and I discussed and I the abuse and I really think she has accepted what she could. It also showed me that I am victim of the generational abuse both mentally and emotionally.
I also found out I might be doing some work for Lakikee Sensory. This is good because I am excited to try new products.
I am really sad because my husband is just freaking out and constantly saying he is going to kill himself. He gets mad and wants to quit. I am so tired of hearing it I told him to. It makes me so mad to be ignored and always taking care of him.
Yesterday I went to a secular concert. It was okay but also sad. Seeing all the morbidly obese people, the prideful singer, the sexy dancing of the girls, the very talented musicans. How what is a fun song is a naughty song. People who are drunk or high suddenly become restless and either they were controlled by lack of inhabitions or ADHD.
Last I am still floored with the last few weeks of school. God is so amazing. I am getting so many compliments. God is my provider.
Yesterday was the last day of summer school. I am so thankful for the Lord's help. But I am also remembering that I made it through. I know next year will be challenging but I know it will be so much different than last year. It is amazing what a month later can look like.
Yesterday I was talking with my mom and I told her that I felt I would be doing some music ministry soon. I can see God talking to his Son and the Holy Spirit and saying check this out. She does not know how soon this is going to be. I got to the starting line of the race and they were asking for volunteers to sing the National Anthem. I did not even think about it I just went up there and did it. The only problem was that my singing took a lot of my energy. By mile 3 I was toast. I am still glad I did it but probably wont again. As I sang I know it was totally the Lord and my voice was not mine.
I believe God gave me peace to do it but I also think it was a tell tale thing that showed me I need to maybe in the future reconsider my medication. Setraline has totally slowed me down in the running department but I am so thankful for it because I am so much calmer than before.
I got a welcome bag from my new job. It is so cool. I am so pumped. I could hardly function the first hour. What a difference from the other school. I got gifts from my bosses but it was always sign the paper and I went to their office. Or if they brought it to me I would have to kiss their feet. Not this time.
The classes at the Park District have been not too stressful this summer. The attendance has been light and often it was just one person.
Thank you Lord for getting my confidence up again.
I wonder sometimes why stuff happens when it is but God sees us as we are. Yesterday morning I got my hair cut. I mean really cut. I had decided on two inches on the back. The person who waited on me I was not so sure because she was older. But then as she worked she was super detailed and careful. I am learning to not look on the outside but look in the inside.
I have been struggling with some it is not fair moments. First of all my husband got a birthday present from my inlaws. At Christmas I really got jipped out of some gifts. I never based my gifts of my parents but it is so obvious that stuff is so important to my inlaws I feel jipped. I even said cash instead of junk or things I don't want. But they still do it. I took all my gifts from them at Christmas and I just put them in the Goodwill bin. But then the hubs gets a gift card. I will probably use the majority of it because I am the one who goes to Starbucks but it still hurts.
I used to be part of a teaching community. For the last year or so it has been pretty much nothing but stress. I quit going to the meetings and basically I was soon forgotten. The majority of the group leveled up to new positions and I stayed where I was at. A few years ago I stressed myself out like they are doing to no avail. I still believe in the method but I am glad I not facing that weekly stress in my life.
I watch in so many situations in my life where I have been the constant and I am forgotten. I wanted to be on worship team but instead they pick people who want to perform.
I quit my volunteer gig as a pacer. Only one person mentioned anything. I am glad for not having the stress but sad that it seemed like no one noticed.
My classes at the park district even seem like they are falling flat like a pancake but no shows and lack of interest.
I did not even try the Bible study at my church because I feel so much like an outsider.
How long God. How long?
Yesterday I was approached at my yoga class and told they wanted changes. I can do that but I hesitated to ask the Lord how to do it. She also told me I would probably die in less than 10 years because i could not balance a tree on my leg and that the internet had told her that.
Today i got an email from my new boss and she welcomed me HOME. Also my current aide I am working with was super encouraging. I need to focus on filling and not emptying
I also prayed about how to handle a rascal. So much different today than yesterday.
I can't fall for Click Bait from others who disapprove. I need to go to realiable sources such as my new boss and my aide to let me know how I am really doing.
I looked at yesterday's situation and realized I needed to talk less but the book I should of kept. I can't make people happy all the time.
This would of been the second week of marathon training. It was hard last week to see all the pictures but frankly I am glad I am not coaching for the marathon. Then this would of been the first week of my SSSRA fitness class. I frankly feel peace. So nice to not have all the responsibilities.
I have time to do the really important things. Like be a witness to a formally grumpy neighbor.
I was really dreading teaching summer school. I had this challenging class and really my boss. And then I did not want to disappoint my current boss.
But this week has been really good. I have been able to teach and I work with a nice teacher. We have had our challenges with the grades, the lesson plans but it all worked out for good.
Yesterday I taught class outside and it was super hot and windy. I thought I had informed the students that there was going to be class but only one person for one class showed up. I was glad because it was pretty unbearable.
Then I got home and discovered at the last minute that they had just posted report cards. Usually something like this puts me in a tizzy. But I prayed and kept my mind clear and the process was very quick.
What you could call a compliant that people did not get their stuff together ended up being a blessing in disguise.
This week I was really nervous about teaching. It had been such a terrible year and I did not want to disappoint my new boss. Today they took out the worst behaved kid and a terrible para. The old me would of been embarrassed but I thought who cares. I need a break. Thanks Lord for the peace after the storm. I am a good teacher.
The girl screamed out with the other teacher. Habits need to be broken and I am glad it was not me.
I got my results and Mike did from a recent test and I am glad they are normal.
I mentioned last week about my situation where a bunch of stuff fell and no one would help me. Fast forward to this week and I watched the same thing happen to someone else. I was able to help them and because I was not involved in the move personally was able to put the items in such a way they would not fall. Accident I think not.
Yesterday I went into my old school and I had to move. But as I think about the whole situation I got the better end of the deal. I got a newer smartboard, nicer chairs and desks and got my things working pretty fast. Not a chance? I know not so.
Thank you Lord for teaching me stuff at just the right time.
It was super fast today when I came into school. The kids in my yoga class had fun. I can't let the little irrants get to me.
I have finished what I could in record time. That is awesome because I even had to move rooms. I listened to my boss letting one of the other teachers take her old spot back. I am just thankful there is a Smartboard. My next door neighbord asked about my stuff, how to arrange desks and tried to take my Smartboard. I paid too much for my junk. Not moving or giving my stuff away. I am seeing a high level of selfishness.
This is such a wierd time. I brought over my stuff to my new school. I was welcomed. I went back to the old school. It was empty and no goodbyes. Then I had a plan to set up my room. At the last minute it is changed.
Yesterday was a wedding. Had not been to one in so long. I ended up sitting at the top dog table. Then today I watched worship. No life.
Then I call my parents and my dad is telling me I should only go to adult church.
My husband is upset because he is having to do more than normal stuff at work.
I feel so torn about the summer doing summer school. I want to leave my old position so much. I don't want to mess up my job.
There is a time to enjoy life in the midst of crazy.
It was the last day at my current school year at the awful school. I had a few things fall and I watched two times how the persons did not bother to get out of their vehicle to help. In fact the one was more upset than I was when stuff went all over.
Now my old school I used to teach at. Everyone was helping with doors, kind words of welcome and smiles. Not one person except the one I went to say goodbye to told me goodbye. Such a fitting ending to a crazy year.
Today I preached at kids church. I really felt like the message was mine own. I could see the kids whose spirit it was touching. How cool is that. Jesus you are so good.
Wow what a week. The kids are just off the wall and on Monday they were just crazy. And then all the confusion at work. I am thankful I am moving and can already see what trials have made me ready for the future.
I see the blessings everyday. From revelations for the Bible lesson I am doing today to the mother and her ducklings .
I am ready to move my stuff over. I am thankful for getting rid of so much stuff. I am thankful for therapy and for the medication.
And some of the unanswered prayers with starting to know why.
Well I found out finally I am going to kindergarten at Arcadia the dream school. But it has been a ride with the ups and down. The gaslighting with the new teacher coming in and trying to reclaim my personal items. But I am thankful for the Prayers answered from little blessings on the run like lilacs, beautiful scenery and wisdom beyond my abilities.
I have been doing a lot of spring cleaning this week at home and at work. I got rid of over 20 bags of stuff at work and it feels so good. I am determined with God's help to only bring to my new job assignment 50 to 75 boxes verses the 100 plus I did five years ago.
I also finished up my last class for the special rec. It is sad to say good bye but what has transpired this season shows me in more ways than one it is time to leave.
I am also not pacing this year for the marathon. I am sad but mostly glad because it was another responsibility and usually by the end I was so done.
Purging in my spiritual and physical life. It feels good.
I am not happy right now with some situations like work, ministry, my physical body but I am glad I am not where I used to be. Time for change.
Yesterday I really had to rely on the Lord. The program I was helping with I could see some possible incidents. But somehow I was the only one who saw it. I know nothing is an accident.
I have been feeling like I am in a transition time. I am not coaching marathon training this summer. I should of not for the past couple of years but there was this part of me that just could not give it up. The signs were there that I was finding joy in it. The people who did not appreciate my hard work. People putting me down.
Children's church and I feel like I am in the outside looking in. For the past few years I felt like i had found my niche with games, music, sped etc. But something happened these last few months. I can't put my finger on it but it is not the same anymore. I am learning I don't have to fix everything. I just pray and ask God how to handle a tough situation.
Then my regular job. My boss telling me that I should not be a teacher essentially. I have been doing this for the past thirty one years. I watch people getting away with stuff and I can't even breathe without getting in trouble or walking on egg shells even time I see my principal.
And my part time position. Out of the blue I am not supervising and just staffing. Then today my supervisor wimps out and I don't even get asked for my old position. One person is gone and they don't find a replacement. I see how dangerous this job is getting and I realize it is not worth the money, stress on my body and I just wonder why. I am glad I am not there for only three more weeks.
I just know that I am in the midst of a transition and I am not sure where I am headed but I know I need to stay close and things will eventually work out.
Where am i supposed to go. I leave it in your hands.
Recently in my second job i was demoted from supervisor to staff. It really made me upset and I shared my concerns with the boss. The first week I saw that the position was going to be a challenging with the possibility that it could end of being a big mess. I held on to a lot of anger as others found out about the demotion which was totally financial.
Fast forward to this week. All was well and I even realized that God was protecting me and guiding my direction. As we finished our session suddenly one participant became self harming and ended up injuring one of the staff.
Everyone was pretty emotional and I am kind of numb toward the situation. I prayed for the people but I am mostly relived that I was not in charge this week.
I also realized that it was not worth my stressing out with this job. I don't need to go to a job where I could be injured and paid a little more than minimum wage.
God is changing me. I am so thankful I started on this journey of healing and dealing with my PTSD. Healing is can be active recovery.
Today I am mad. On Wednesday I found out that to save a few bucks my second job is taking away my supervisor role. Fifteen years and this happens.
I pray about this and I look at this as a opportunity to spend my energies in something else. They thought I would just take it. Nope they lost me. There is something else for me.
I am mad at my pastor. He talks about mental health but when I really needed him he was not there at all. I asked for advice for medicine and he did not help me at all.
He can't help me God says. I need to trust the Lord to work stuff out.
I am upset with the childres pastor. I see that the kids are bonkers and no one seems to ntoice. I put down my foot and kind of make a big stink about it.
I look at this situation and use it as an opportunity to make my life more calmer with just focusing on what I can do and allowing another person to do what they should do. The situation where I did not do worship for a few weeks I will ask about it next time.
My sister in law and brother in law get a extra ticket. I am sure my husband is their second, third choice but they don't have a ticket for me to see my niece. Frankly 90 percent of me is glad but it just angers me that again I am treated like a second class citizen.
They probably had someone else they were going to invite but that person backed out as usual. I do let them know I know I don't like how I am treated. How sad they have not learned over many years how to treat people and internally I see chaos all over the place.
I am mad at my employer because I spend most days trying to walk the path of least resistance with no support. I don't know daily if I will get yelled at, greeted or ignored. I am so lookinng forward to getting out of there.
I look at this situation and I am grateful that finally I am getting some help to deal with this situation. I have seen other people frustrated and not treated nice either. Eventually it will catch up with her. I just need to pray for those effected and learn how to act as a supervisor. I don't want to be one but I can in my little sphere of influence be one that is different.
I ai know things could be worse but it still makes me mad. Lord help me to forgive with my brain even if the heart does not follow immediately.
I use these situations as a way to grow. I can't change others but I can change myself.
It has been quite a week. I started on some new medicine for my anxiety and it has made a difference. I am able to pause and deal with difficult decisions much better than I have before.I have been ears to quite a few situation where I heard that my boss was not doing her job. My vice principal is also not dealing with situations. Instead of getting angry I see God has shown me that I am not the only person upset about the undealt situation. I also had a face to face meeting with sped telling them I wanted to see the progress of me coming back. Looks like I will be doing my old position. I found out this week that after supervising a position they have decided to give my position away to save money. I am still angry about it but proud because I was able to call the person, face the situation and state my feelings respectfully, but stand up to a really bad decision. I finally told the person in charge of a group I am a part of I will not be doing it again. My volunteer position was absolutely terrible Sunday. This was due to lack of help from consistent volunteers, additional students and children who do not have proper parent disicipline. I was so stressed out that Sunday praying and trying to fix things. I even took things in my own hands and dealt with a long overdue situation. I prayed about it, talked to my mom and she suggested that I confront the leader and tell him we needed more help. He said he would try. I was quite firm in my position. I have decided moving forward I would change what I could, minister to my sped tribe but the leader would have to step it up since I am not in charge. I have made some changes in my classroom and after my other teacher has been put in other positions I have been finally able to take back control of my room and make some tough decisons but negative and positive. I am able to realize that difficult parents are just parents upset that they don't have control of their kids. I found out today I probably am moving classrooms again to a better school, terrible vice principal but good principal. I am making changes to my personal life like walking It has been quite a week but there are only 55 more of those to go for the school year.
I am so down. I am so frustrated. Today someone I think threw away the doorbell. I could of with my frustration of things left on the floor and I threw away my own classroom doorbell. I have two students one who likes to push the teacher and the other who only used negative attention to get adults attention. Three more that pushed my buttons with their ADHD and ended up in a corner. I can't ask for help from my bosses and when I get reports of them not doing their jobs they won't deal with it.
Then my husband gets a call from his boss when he is trying to do the right thing. His boss who he has bent down backwards is yelling at him. My husband wants him to quit. I want him to get another job.
My second job where I have done my best takes my supervisory position and gives it to someone else. All for the sake of saving money. I don't say dumb things but I show them I am upset and the consequences of their choices.
My volunteer activity is getting less enjoyable. The kids are starting to really push me and won't listen. It is not fun anymore. I tell my pastor we want help and all he gets is someone who will volunteer once a month.
This church is such a mess. I listen to a pastor who goes off on rants and does not make a lot of sense when he preaches. I watch people I don't dare tell anything to still be there. I wish we went somewhere else.
I am staring to take control of my mental health by changing my medication. That is a struggle as my body and emtions adjust to the changes and the side effects of going on and getting off medication.
I complain too much to my mom and husband. She has had enough. He has had enough.
Please God do something. Let me find a healthy position in a unhealthy environment.
I have been really trying to do my best during my time of transition. I try so hard to be kind, thoughtful, firm methodically and then something happens and my good job is torched to the ground. Today at at work had to give a greeting to my boss. Then out of all the things she could of said she used my kinders as the blabber mouths. This is crazy.
Today I was told I needed to talk to a principal. She was too busy to deal with an unhappy parent and some real foolishness in class.
I know I do a good job. I am different than most teachers. I generally don't lose my cool but through the heavy duty of kids not parented from their kids, probably a lot of undignosed sped parents, I am doing the absolute I can.
Today I did get a dropbox load of great music today. I know God sees.
Yesterday I found some little winks from God. First of all I did a object lesson and I was prepared but the Lord helped me say things that were not originally in the message. I initially had an attitude towards some kids, their parents and my pastor and I changed my perspective when I saw things in a different light. Despite being in a toxic situation I realize that the Lord is using my situation to grow me up and get me ready for the next thing. I wish I knew what next year holds but I need to be patient and just do excellence in the situation I am in now.
Yesterday I sat in a pointless meeting. I watched as people were struggling to find resources to help their students and just spending money foolishly. I had the answers and it was my own cash and no one seemed to care. I finished up the day and thought with the impending weather I better have a plan in case they cancelled school. It was a fairly quick process but with not having a break that day, challenging students I was pretty knocked out. I was ready for the next remote day or so I thought. It probably also did not help that I am in the midst of starting new meds. At 6:30 we got a call about stupid Covid tests from the school. It was like they were playing on my nerves that school was truly going to be cancelled. At 10 PM they decided to close the school. I woke up after a few hours of sleep and it took everything for me to go back to bed. Then I wake up and get ready for my day. They constantly changed their plan. I emailed parents. I contacted parents. I looked like a fool having to change my plans and then less than a half an hour from go time the district decided to go on Google classroom and not go live. I got some pretty ignorant messages that they were not pleased or the work I had provided at the last minute. Funny thing is the parents that complained the most have the most challenging kids. OM Goodness you have to spend a day with your kid and I don't get to babysit them as normal. I tried to be nice and direct them to the district. It should be interesting how I get in trouble tomorrow for again something that is not my fault. Something has to give. This stupid can't go on much longer.
I am thankful that I can see how I was prepared the best I could. I am thankful I did not lash out at the parents. I am thankful I had a plan within a plan. It blew my mind how foolish the kids acted with the whole day. I need to rethink this whole remote thing for tomorrow if they call off school. Who would of thought bus drivers would be the ones who allow us to have a break from covering other people's absences. Crazy right
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