Sick but grateful

 I am determined this 2024 to list all the blessings that God has given me this year.  Yesterday I was sick and slept a lot.  But I am thankful for a day off and the time to recover.  I am determined to list my blessings. 

Answers from a different source

 

Yesterday one of my students was really having a hard time.  He escaped several times out of the room.  Then he was flipping out because he did not get to see the movie he wanted to see.  It was just a ploy to get what he wanted.  But we got some help.  It was not necessary the help that we wanted but it made perfect sense.  

Last four days

 It has been a roller coaster of  events these last few days.  But so many blessings

Finding a new Santa.  God gives us what we ask sometimes.  Having a child make good choices and give you a hug with a rascal you have worked hard with these last few years in church.  Having lessons that are fun and kids are interested in.  Giving gifts that make people happy.  

Blessings

 Yesterday I connected with a friend. I was able to encourage and pray for her.  I am seeing her in a week for lunch.

I also saw a young eagle in the sky.  it was I am seeking God for his and my attention.  

This morning I was able to get an idea for one of my rascals.  I am thankful for my mom

Sunday, Monday

Yesterday I went to big people's church.  It went okay.  I was mostly numb with no expectations.  I was even able to worship and enjoy the service.

Today we had three teachers out.  God was faithful and things went well.  I am thankful for good subs and that God had his hand on the class. 

Reflections of Blessings

 I am fully aware you grow through struggles.  This has been one of those weeks.  But I am also seeing the hand of God in my life.  I have been able to ask for forgiveness even though the situation was not my fault and to not argue with things I did not agree with but stand up for what I thought was right. I can't change others but I can change myself. 

Backfire of an Idea

 I have learned that even though I defended a idea I knew would not work I am at the point where nothing is changing so I am making the choice to let an idea backfire.  I need to do that with some people at my job that are toxic and also my husband.  It is so easy to try to fix it all.  I am at the point I can't so I am just letting life hit where it may.  But through it all I am so thankful to God how He is building me up for the next thing. 

Confrontation, Stability, Set Ups

It was quite the day yesterday and today.  I had to make and answer questions that were quite difficult.  I was quite proud of myself with handing the difficult things.  Lord give me wisdom today. 

Enjoying the journey

 

It seems like one thing after another with challenges.  A lot of times it is with people who are stupid.  But I can enjoy where I am at right now.

Yesterday I did the scripture.  It was crazy when I got up there.  The kids were not good.  I decided I need to find something to grab a large group and make it fast.  I am so used to small groups I need to refocus my focus. 

At just the right time

 Yesterday I had a meeting with a parent and team.  I was really nervous about it because I wanted to not ruffle feathers and be a good example to the school district.  I am thankful because the Lord took over and things went well.  I even watched myself and I saw how the Lord helped me have the difficult conversation.  God is amazing

Today is a new day.  I need to figure out how to get a kid who refuses to wear shoes go to gym, tell someone who is a higher up no and figure out how to not burn out my staff with one kid.  I also have to do baseline testing with a new testing protocol.  Last I have to tell someone at my gym that I cannot hang out with them anymore because his intentions are not good.  I could get overwhelmed but I trust God for the outcome.  

Of Course

 Yesterday just stunk.  It was one crazy situation to another.  things were wierd at the gym.  When tech was not working at work I finally said of course.  I need to ask more for help.  Then I came home and Mike had a tough day.  I listened.  Wishing I could have someone to talk to.  Thank you Lord for always being there.  I can't describle it but things began to take shape.  

Overcoming Challenges

 Yesterday was quite the day.  First of all my rascal really showed his true colors yesterday.  Mom sent in a note with lots of requests.  Third I found out another aide is leaving.  Fourth I found out my new SLP probably has dementia.  My boss leaned on me for support.  We think our old SLP had Covid and could of spread it in the room.   The new SW seems old too. 

On the other hand it looks like the new speech is coming to our room.  I did start to figure out the testing I need to do.  And did I meet with my boss and I was able to encourage her and just listen to her.  I am starting to find the line of my aides and I running the room and them being co teachers.

I am still glad I took this job.  It is overwhelming at times.  I still deal with someone I live with mental challenges.  I am just getting over my own drama and trauma.   I am glad you are still on the throne God.  

DIsernment

 I was at the gym yesterday and went by my friend to walk on the treadmill.  It was then things went highwire.  He told me I needed to be careful with my ankle because it could become broken more easily and that he had feelings for me.  I know I should not do anything stupid with the ankle but I refused to believe that report and moving forward I need to avoid him at the gym.  

My mom mentioned I needed to be careful with Elevation.  I am tired of playing church at church and ready for something real.  I have to only go every other week but I feel loved and valued there.  I need something more. 

Cohen and Brielle

 Today I did kids church.  I was sad that it seemed like everyone was in their own little pod.  But I got in kids church and got to minister to these two kids.  Second, at the end Cohen told me that his dad Pastor Charlie one of my faves was looking for a job.  And he was going to miss me at church next week.  I also got to minister to a few youths and helped keep Brille engaged.  I can't change the behavior of others but I can change myself.

Second my lesson kind of bombed.  Some factors were out of my control but I have learned from my mistakes and will do things differently.

inside your head

 I have mentioned how the Lord has helped me get into others heads and see things from their perspective.  

M with his spoiled and sped needs

Tommy and cracking his autism

Jaylen relating with him

Tyler with understanding his short term memory.

Staff with Michelle my bestie.

My other staff with their strengths and weaknesses.

Husband but that one is dicey because it is a continuous challenge.

Emergencies adverted for Mateo

 I have been able to speak Mateo.  I had a gut feeling about him and avoided a total meltdown several times.  Everyone is tired in my room.  Note to self.  Put the lights on and get activity going. 

More Praying Less Talking

 Today one of my rascals had a real fit.  Almost hurt me and also ruined one of my items.  I talked too much.  I should of talked less and not worried about the thing getting broken.  

Weekend Reflections

 It has been 12 days since kids have been coming to classrooms.  I have had to do so much revamping this year.  

I have been blown away with all the help I have gotten with this broken ankle.  The support.

I still struggle with improvement but I have seen more success than my entire teaching career.  

Both Sides to the Story

 Yesterday my staff changed my schedule.  I would of in the past been mad but now I am happy about it.  They kept the fidelity of my minutes time etc but actually found some holes so I could not have to be the one on all the time.  

I am now seeing things from the para's point of view and the admin.  I hope I never get off in the clouds that I never forget what it feels like to be a para or a staff in a classroom.  I am thankful for those admin who get it.

Ankle is healing well and I may be without a boot in just a few weeks.  Actually not running has been okay.  I have pushed myself so hard with all the happenings this year I am content to just be.

Salt

 I heard a great message this morning about salt.  It is the only stone people can eat.  If you divide it up it can become toxic and we need salt for all kinds of things.  Let me be the salt at my new job.  

Something I did not expect but glad it happened

 I had a student who should of been kicked out years ago and suddenly his mom decided to leave him at home.  Second, I had a teacher in the room that was basically toxic.  She yelled at kids, was disrespectful, etc.  She is now in another room. 

I did not ask for these changes and I was working at functioning with them in the room but it happened.

Loving from a Distance

I have had a few situations where I am choosing to love from a distance.  First I work with someone who causes havoc in the room.  I can't change her but I can pray and I can show her the right way toward the children, the staff and the situation.

Then my pastor.  He has greatly disappointed me a lot in the past.  The most recent the foot injury.  But I am not bitter.  I am just realizing it is part of the picture and that I can't change him but I can choose to love from a distance.

Then Mom's new possible surgery.  I am not looking forward to it.  She does not handle stuff like this well but I know it might be the thing she needs to feel better and move.  I pray that the Lord will give her wisdom.

I love my dad but I am learning I have to love him from a distance, admire his good qualities and leave the right of the stuff with you Lord. 

Broken Ankle, New Job and Blessings

 It has been quite the week with school meetings and my broken ankle.  And then the other leg needing some attention.  I am thankful for my healing and that only my left leg had a broken ankle.  

I am getting over my bitterness with the church.  If I want to have a friend I need to be one.  Despite what is going on I can't choose my pastor not to say things that bother me but I can control the whys. 

Looking at the Full Picture

 I got rebaptized yesterday.  It was incredible.  This morning I was walking down my stairs and essentially broke my ankle.  Even though  I will not be able to run for a while I am thankful that I did not fall at Swallow Cliff with all the stairs.  I was at home when I fell.  My husband was able to go with me.  I did not get the outreach I wanted to go to but I am rethinking the whole thing about Elevation.  Thanks for sharing

Who knows what might of happened if I went.  We only know part of the picture.  God does.  I am thankful for a boss who cares. And fellow teachers as well.

Blessings and Concerns

 I went into school yesterday.  It went well I got a lot done.  I even saw my SIL.  That was cool.  I am nervous about Sat.  Getting baptized.  I know I should do a redo because my attitude is different.  And serving Sunday kind of nervous.  Letting my bad attitude of Stone go.  

Time Marches On

 I had my first offical meeting with the coop.  It was good but overwhelming.  I am thankful for the mediciation that helps with my anxiety.  Second I am learning about time marching on.  I ran into two friends and age showed me life is moving on. 

I am thankful

 Today I am reminded of my blessings in the past week.  Yesterday my side window almost was taken off by a lighted horse.  I finished my race with 16 seconds faster per mile.  I got to pray for someone who would not admit they were hurting but I could see they were.  This week I am learning how to overcome my fears and see things from a Heavenly perspective.  

Continued Blessings

 I am thankful that my therapy is going well, my running is improving, I am enjoying my summer and things I needed to take care of in the house are beginning to blossom.  Thank you Lord

Today

 We went to the water park.  All the kids and adults survived.  NO rain. 

I am thankful for a helpful staff to help me actually enjoy my summer. 

Blessings

 The blessings keep pouring in.  Getting to shave off 21 minutes in my half practice.  A view of the interstate I usually don't get to see.  Getting a smiling breakfast from the hubs.  Eating special cookies.  I am blessed

Finding the Balance

 I am thankful for learning the lesson finding the balance.  We have this kid who should not be at summer school.  He throws feces and has lots of inappropriate habits.  The staff wants immediate change.  I just want to have a good relationship with my boss.  I want to reach out to my staff.  God help me find the balance.

So much to learn at this new place of employment.  Lots of paper work.  

I don't want to leave but I am still trying to find my way.  

Just One Week

 It is five days into my new employment.  It is still the honeymoon period but so different than before.  It is intense with all the changes but I love my staff, my kids and my admin.  It is so nice to be able to teach freely again. Thank you Lord for the blessings

Don't forget the blessings

 Yesterday was a good day too.  I am still finding my teaching rhythm but the kids like school.  I also had a good visit with Jaylen's mom.  Last yesterday as I was moving my stuff I pulled a cord and the whole Comcast went out.  It was totally my fault but I am so blessed the Lord showed me how to figure it out.  Mike also came home early.  I did not sleep well last night but it was a reminder that I need to slow down and do things on God's timing.  

First Two Days

 It has been a wild ride.  So much to learn but I am so happy I am in my new environment.  Friday I got my acceptance for my resignation letter.  I am so happy I had two days of school under my belt.  

I am learning about more perks to my job.  I get paid for prep.  I am near a park with a walking trail.  I found a new route that is hilly near my job.  So much to be thankful for.  

Slowly cleaning out my crawl space.  

Support

 Yesterday I had an incredible surprise.  Some of the staff including the Kindergarten Squad had a surprise  party for me.  It was so amazing.  I remember always watching others get celebrated and happy for them but always thought it would be nice to be celebrated.  Well that happened yesterday.  

I came home and stalked the person who originally caused the chaos on FB.  It was really sad.  She is a mentally ill person  Glad she is getting finally found out. 

Yesterday

 Yesterday I tried a new e group with Elevation.  It was really good.  There is so much more stability in this group.  I also liked the fact that they pray for one another during the week.  Maybe this is my chance for community.

Also one of the evil 3 got found out finally today in full view.  Everything is falling apart for her.  It is sad.

The gym found my ear buds.  I am thankful.  

Last I missed the boat yesterday.  My kids were hungry and I ignored it.  It caused one kid to be so mad he got a bloody nose.  I just wanted to hug him bloody and all.  Always feed when requested.  

Two more days.  My boss is flipping out at everyone.  Not just me.  

Death and Life

 I went into work today and my boss told me to go back to the old room.  She was pissed.  I lost my leadership position.  Initially the staff talked behind my back.  I just kept silent but the resource teacher told them to be quiet.  At the end of the day she said she really liked working with me. 

I read this morning about the importance of being kind to myself and others.  Because I am with Christ I can leave others with their dignity.  It is embarrassing to be at work but I have to remember who I am in Christ.  This mess was not created by me but others.  All I have to do is be me. 

Mike got Covid again.  I found my phone and id.  I also found the go gone fast.  God has got me. 

???

 I am not sure what is happening today.  I know that the Lord will do something through other people's mistakes and even my own.

Sunday I was encouraged by someone I had their son the first year teaching.  Monday I was encouraged by someone who told me their story and glad I am going elsewhere.  I had some encouraging emails from my prayer partner.  

I just want to finish and get it over with.  

Yesterday

 I did not handle yesterday very well.  I  kind of went coo coo and tried to do things in my own strength.  I also put everyone under the bus again.  

They told me I could not take anything home that was mine.  Screw it I am done pretty much with my stuff.

I had a parent complain about wet pants.  I guess I need to change her every hour.  She runs away from me.  

I am the tree that has been cut and my stump is rotting.  I pray that eventually my shoots will show.  My roots are deep.  

Crazy but

 I have been praying for a way to get Ava up when she plops.  The Lord showed me having her sit on a chair and then either going forward or backward she will go back to the room.  It has been a challenge with these two beloved rascals.  Ava likes to bolt and make a mess,  Malyasia just likes making a mess.  The next six days I will just focus on them and forget about other stuff.  Second I will pray the peace of Jesus constantly.  Third I will remember that I have been put in a crappy situation.  You don't put a druggie working at a pharmacy or a overweight person at a candy store.  

I got my loaner yesterday when I took my car in to get the engine light repaired.  The people were very nice.  I am thankful for getting my car repaired for free when I was the ding a ling who put diesel in the gas tanks.

Last my group leader sent a testimony I did for More than Able.  It went with the sermon.  I am thankful for the response and continuing to pray what I should do with Elevation. 

Stuff

 Over the weekend I got to sing the national anthem and had an incredible service at Elevation.  I want to so make the jump but I feel that the every other week is the answer right now.  

Yesterday it was decided that I would be in my friend's room but later I was put in the older sped room.  That was a problem because my rascal is quite the handful.  So I was totally unhelpful to my student but I got through it.  

This morning I woke up to You Say and God is on the Throne.  I also in the last days got a prayer warrior praying for me.  I am so blessed.

I feel like the others won but I only have 7 days left.  

Today

 I left school early today.  I was verbally threatened by my co idiot and went from bullying me to yelling at me in front of students.  

I went to the office.  Lost it and got prayed for.  Got a word from the Lord and put everyone under the bus.  

Talked to the director of sped.  Told the story.  

Retribution is not fun and I can't make this up

 I can't even write down all that happened yesterday.  Here are the highlights

Parent came in mad with other teacher. Demanded one on one aide. Admin did not support

Resource teacher and staff complained to principal nothing was being done by aides

Staff told lies about what had happened in the room while I was gone.

They took away from help from the child that was helping me that was mentally ill

I had to sit in a meeting with all principals and tell my side of the story and I put everyone under the bus

Resource teacher contacted district about the incident

Child was hurt at recess while I was gone in the impromptu meeting

Students were not called on by proper people admin said 

Room was left a mess after I cleaned it up

Still only one doing bathroom

I have to call parent or parents about stuff.  Admin won't deal with parens

I breathe on you HS, your strength comes suddenly and your peace completely

If I am appropached today I will ask to be on janitoral, lunch duty or paper sorting duty for the reminder of the year. 

Last 10 days

 

It has been quite the ride lately.  First of all I eneded up teaching most of the morning yesterday.  I am so thankfuul because things actually went well.  Thank you Lord for building up my confidence.  Today I started the meeting and kids went out of control.  The resource teacher who is not part of our class reprimanded the rest of the teachers to actually help.  The co teacher responded by basically doing the meeting again. I am thankful for my kid in my room who is 10 and is basically a better helper than the adults in my room.  Today has been hard but with the grace of God I am muddling though and the admin is starting to see what I am dealing with.  I can't wait till I tell the kids it is time for recess.  The other teacher says they can't go but I checked and I can take whoever I want.  So thankful

In the Middle God is Able

 I  am in the middle of transition but I am thankful I don't walk alone. 

I have been blessed by Elevation Church's ministry for the past few years.  But as I have been faithfully watching the messages I felt led to get more involved.  I have recently started going to a Watch Party a few times a month.  In that time Elevation Worship has had so many songs that have ministered to me.  One is More than Able.  I have had a difficult year at my job and I have had to make the transition. This is not easy for a 55 year old and I always thought I would just retire there.  All kinds of crazy stuff has happened but I kept on trusting God, claiming the worship songs including More than Able and going on job interviews.  The last interview I went on I visited where the interview would occur.  I wanted to make sure I would know where it is.  As I was leaving the site the song came on More than Able.  A few weeks later I was offered the job that had lots of candidates.  I honestly thought I did not have a chance.  And last week I visited my future school and see that I will be where God wants me to be.  Everyday at my current employment I am constantly bullied, harassed and blamed for others mistakes but now I have a future to look forward to.  I love teaching and working with special needs children but if I continued there I probably would have been burned out.  Thank you Elevation Worship, the writers and Pastor Steven for doing this song.  It has been literally my life line and I am glad through it I am reminded that I have a hope and a future. Because of the  ministry of Elevation Church I am confident that I will be able to teach and work with children longer than the negative environment I am currently in.   God is truly able. 

Opposite World

 Yesterday I visited the school I am going to be at this summer and next year.  It was incredible.  Everything I had tried to do this year unsuccessfully was being done there.  There is so much opportunity to be creative.  And  there seems like a better life and work balance.  So different than the rest of this year.  I need to be positive at my current job but I need to remember that I know what is best and no matter how others see me they don't have to get it.

I am still open to facing up to my mistakes but gaslighting is not acceptable anywhere. 

Trusting God at a New Level

 Today I finally got it.  At least during my devotions.  If I am truly trusting God to take care of me I need to take my mind on what is going on that is not fair for me.

Positives:

I have more equipment from a friend that I did not anticipate from her generousity.

Both times I had boxes in the parking lot I had help from the cusdodians

Ava did not wet on herself

The kids were calm during morning meeting

Challenges

I was one of the few who did not get a treat in my mailbox

I was bullied by staff

I was wrongly accused twice with my boss

I can't control others, I can't control me but I can ask God to keep my focus on the right things and make the choice to not make hasty decisions. 

Stuff

 I feel like everyone is trying to make me fail.  My boss tells me how I am not doing my job yet I am doing all the work.  

But I am grateful for the cusdodians who helped twice today.

Then I am given more work. So pointless.  

15 more days.   Thank you God I am not going crazy

Blessings

 It is so easy to get frustrated.  I am thankful for the Lord helping me whether it is another person or He gives me the widom aat the right time.  

Give It To God

 I am by nature a fixer but lately I have had to keep quiet when things get dumb.  I have so many things going around that are out of my locus of control.  But every time I have had problems at work, with my car, someone out of the blue has helped me.  I think that God is treating me to trust Him more and more.  Someone said to me that there must be a purpose for me if everything is going crazy.  Life at work gets more nuts.  People are being rewarded for doing absolutely nothing.  No one in my room helps me.  My boss treats me like trash.  But there is always someone to help.  

I signed my contract yesterday.  I am excited nervous but I know this is the right move.  I don't even have to switch doctors. 

I also found out I have a lingering effect from my diesel fuel adventure.  Looks like another repair.  But at least I can drive my car until then.

My Bible Verse is 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  I Peter 5:7

My Crazy Day

 It started off with me in a bad mood.  I am so tired of my job.  Then the class was pretty chaotic.  Then my aide is telling me what to do and I have to do it or she will talk to my boss.  Then I fell and my boss wanted me to get it checked out.  So I got to leave, miss a pointless meeting.  

Then my car got fixed and I met someone at the hair place that is a believer and cuts peoples hair with special needs.  

I reflect on yesterday and I am thankful I am okay with this injury..  It will allow me to go to school to do my job.  I am thankful for the visit to get my hair done.  It was not an accident.

And to be just right up the street from the car place.  So amazing. 

21more days.  I got this with God's help

Address the truth, live through the stupid

 I am happy to say I got through 6 children yesterday with the testing.  They paid attention to the screen and at least looked like they were taking the test.  

I mentioned in my email yesterday to the staff I had some themed sheets from the plan they made for my class.  Suddenly they were changed.  People want to gossip.  I need to avoid or not give into them.

I got my eval yesterday.  Initially it was not necessary to meet.  Now it was.  I listened to a lot of lies and I just sat there and said nothing.  When it was appropriate I stated facts.  My boss could not remember the eval and said it would be proficient instead of needs to improve.  She said the final decision was sped.  So I am not hopeful things will change and that it might even get worse.

I gave the car guy a call and he was hopeful.  I did not tell my mom of my stupidity.  

Again I chased, dressed and went to the bathroom with all the kids.  Today will be the same.

I think the other principals are seeing what is going on.  I hope for some support from them even though I don't say much.  But it is probably out of their hands.

I still pray for understanding and salvation for the evil three but I am not sure if I will see anything.  Last my boss bad mouthed a lot of people.  She also threated that I would not get fired.  It is crazy.  Glad for only 23 days left.

I woke up this morning to God will make a way and Trust in God.  I also felt led to who I am in Christ Bible verses.  

Keeping my cool

 I have had some really bad bosses but this year takes the cake.  First my boss is wimpy and constantly lies and changes her stories.  The aides scare her and the one I witness had a good report.  She accused me of being mean with everyone else, forgot most of the stuff in the eval and told me even though I had a needs to improve I was going to get a proficient.  

the keys to my room she can't remember who has them.  The janitor does.  It gets so dumb.  

Still waiting to hear from my new job on signing etc.  Still waiting about my car.  Hoping it is not trashed.  but the guy was cool.  

Slow Down

 Today I was on my way to church.  I filled up my car with diesel.  I was so frustrated because the pump would not take my card and that the pump did not fit.  Now it is at a repair shop.  I am so mad at myself.  Probably be a lot of money

Then my landscaper came and I had mismarked a check.

I just need to slow down.  I think that is the one thing I need to focus on the new job and find out what is important to my new boss.

Little Surprises

 Since this situation has been happening I have been more sensitive to the little and big surprise of God

I don't like my job.  It is hard.  The people are difficult but despite it I learned how to love all my students.

Friday my students stayed calm when the other teacher was super late.  Ava did not plop back from the bathroom.

I ran into my friend Steve who has prayed and I have been able to share with at the gym.  I got to witness to to a few teachers Friday.

I got part of my stuff back.  I caught the aide stealing stuff.  

I caught my staff Gaslighting me. 

I am being sabatoged by the vice principal as well as a bad review from my boss.  I know I need to slow down and focus but with all this negativity and lies I see that it is just spiritual warfare

My friend found a way for me to have less stress transiting kids.  

I confronted and it back fired.  But I did it. 

Many of the staff see me doing everything.    Just 24 days left.  

Wow what a week

 Sunday I had a good day.  The other supervisor whom I liked asked me for a job.  Then Monday I found out I was released to drive and the medication.  Tuesday i came back and started to take stuff home.  Wednesday i went to my vice principal and asked that my walk through be changed.   She was willing to make the changes.  Then I found out my aide had stolen a lot of my stuff. My boss told me that I needed to get my own stolen stuff.  Thursday I got a bad eval.  I know i have a lot to go in this position but I am glad I got another job.  

God does not do simple

 It all started with Sunday and I got an offer from my dream job.  I decided to take it.  Then I found out I was clear for the neurologist.  Today I had a meeting with the ssistant princ to talk about my walk through.  It went well and I was able to get her to clarify the situation so I would not be blamed for the poor classroom situation.  I also found out my aide had been stealing my stuff.  My boss told me I could take the stuff back.  I told her that it was pure lying.  Supposely the stuff is back in my room.  I went up to my aide and told her that I needed the stuff back in my room and that I would press further if the stuff was not returned.  I also threatened to contact the district.  The aide lied and said i was leaving and retiring.  

Breakthroughs

 Sunday night I was given an email that I had been given a position in Oak Forest.  Then yesterday I got a pair of  cute librarian glasses and asked for a refund on the grandma glasses.  Third I went to a new neurologist and was released from medicine and able to drive.    What a day. Thank you Lord

The Tide is Turning

 

It has been a few days and they have been pretty crazy.  First on Thursday my other teacher was evaluated.  She did not really interact with the kids and one child had a extreme behavior.  Then I was approached by three people who asked me if the other teachers did anything.  I answered honestly.  My kinder teachers really have my back.  A teacher in  first grade confided in me that she was leaving after three years.  She also shared with me that she has cancer.   I told her I would be praying.  I have seen her the last three days after not seeing her at all most of the year.  I don't think that was by chance. Then yesterday the assistant principal came in and observed me and the meeting.  It was essentially another disaster.  When she came in I had all the kids around me and we were drawing Earth Day pictures.  Then at the end of the day I interacted with the librarian while the others just sat back and talked.  People are seeing and saying stuff.  I am starting to feel the family of my co workers love.  I don't have to do anything. 

Yesterday was awful but with the help of God I survived

It all started with my boss coming in.  I thought she was seeing my progress.  I was ready to lead meeting with the suggestions she gave me.  The co teacher decided to teach the same part of the day

Then we went to spring pictures.  I was used to them going on their own,  And no one helped me

I had my other comment and I tried to disagree with her.  She told me to be quiet and finish.  I did when I asked for help and the Lord told me about the fool and pigs.  

The next 28 days are going to be a challenge.  I thank God in the midst of the storm I am his child.

It was pure spiritual warfare.  I prayed and prayed

Things got a bit dicey when I started praying for their souls.  

Quite the week

 Monday I had an interview at Southwest.  Actually it was interesting.  I think I bombed the interview.  Some of my answers were not strong and I realized later I had a question on transgender and I failed to answer it.

Tuesday I got evaluated, survived, had some helpful comments.  I realized today that a lot of my problems are anxiety.  I chose to do things God's way.

Then my mom tells me to clean up my house.  I try my best but Mike really does not help out that much.

I need to keep things in prayer and not broadcast them.

Tomorrow and Lots of Prayer

 I had some unexpected blessings today.  A guy who is named Steve prayed for my interview tomorrow.

At our Elevation Watch Party the group prayed for my eval and my interview.  I choose to be like Gideon.  I might be scared but I choose to do things with God's power upon me.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow but at least tomorrow I might have my eval scheduled and my second interview.

I also saw some stuff about creativity at my new job.  I love it !   

Still Waiting

 I found out Monday is the day.  I have been concerned about it all week.  My parents think I should just bite the bullet and stay.  My friends, husband and I think I should jump.  I want to jump as well but I have been praying about it.  God could do a miracle in my situation with me doing well on my eval, hanging tough and the Lord removing those people who have caused me such harm.  Or I could go elsewhere.  I don't want to be bitter but the sting is still there.  The sting is still there with church.  

Just as I was driving back from finding where the school is I am going to be interviewing at More than Able came on.  I know that this song was not a coincidence.  If I am offered the job I will probably take it.  Scary but exciting. 

I don't want to disappoint my parents but this situation can't keep on going on.  I don't want to jump into another fire after I leave one.  But honestly I don't think I can take another year so be put in unsafe environments.  

I am still upset about church.  I hate that I am taken for granted and that I have not been asked to sing.  I know it is not where God wants me but it still hurts.  I am feeling guilty going to Elevation this and next Sunday but I know I need to have spiritual food sometimes and that will not happen with a music situation where I am not used and a pastor who have deeply hurt me.    I forgive him but it still hurts and even though I don't feel any different I know it is important to forgive.

I pray for the salvation of my boss and co-workers who are so mean to me.  I would like to see change, respect and asking for forgiveness but honestly I don't think it will happen. So I leave it in the Lord's hands.

This week has been good for me.  Plenty of time to just chill, nap a lot and get outside.  It is also a wake up call because when I went shopping with my mom I have gone from a medium to extra large due to my over eating and stress.  

The Waiting Game

 Yesterday I had an interesting day.  It was the Easter hunt and I helped this 4 year old find eggs.  It was bittersweet because honestly I wished I could of been the parent but happy that I saw a child who was so well behaved and focused.  When we went into the sanctuary it was hard watching the ensemble and not even getting asked but all of them were 20 something or younger except for the guy.  I need to accept I may still be pretty but my job is in kids church. 

I had rock star parking at the UPS store and returned my items quickly.

I am playing the waiting game regarding the jobs.  I found out yesterday I have to get evaluated.  I did so at the beginning of school but now I have to do it again.  The good thing is that Morning Meeting is what I am going to do and it is at the beginning of the day.  

I want to do God's will but honestly I pray it happens soon.  It would be so amazing to know that I know where I am going to be and have that confidence in my lesson but I don't want to fall out of His will.  It seems like everything is falling into place including the rockstar recommendations but I just have to wait.

I spent some time on Phil. 4:13 today.  It is interesting because it is not I who can do but it is God's ability's to do what you need to do and only through his strength if you look up the various versions of the scripture.  Good stuff to know. 

Two Unusual Blessings

 Yesterday was probably the last time I will be at a district meeting in 162.  It is happy because I am getting out of some nonsence.  It is sad because I finally like the team I work with.  

It was a pretty boring day except I learned something.  If you really believe in something and are confident people will listen and respond to you.  

I also got some good news.  Two people who either work or worked for Southwest Coop are letting me use them as a reference.

 

Conquering my Fears

 Yesterday I conquered several of my fears.  First of all I took Ava to the restroom and she ran away from me in front of several people.  I kept my cool and all my boss could say is that is she running away from you.  I prayed as I stood there feeling quite foolish and found a way to get her back to the room.  

I took Mikalia to the bathroom and she was pretty calm.  I am thankful she did not freak out.  That was the Lord.

My co teacher decided they were not going to eat my students' birthday cupcakes.  She stated it was messy and that the kids had been bad.  I told her that it would backfire and Jamarr's grandmother would be quite upset.  Surprisingly it turned out and the grandma did not find out.  

My co teacher came in over two hours late.  I took pretty much all the kids to the bathroom, got lunch, cleaned up, opened the breakfasts and lunch.  

I also got three messages that Southwest Coop had called them.  I still only want to go if it is God's will.  We shall see what happens this week. 

Backwards Upside Down and small Victories

 

Yesterday was an interesting day.  I held most of morning meeting and the kids were really good.  Then the other teacher came in and let things become a mess.  Then they did a few things and then she had them just sit there and watch a screen saver.  I returned from something and they were still watching it a half an hour later.  They had one toy and they had to share it with three people.  Also the conversations I had with people were so dumb.  Blaming me for things I had not done.  I just thought okay and figured I would not do them again.  I did get the kids back and forth without holding hands to their specials.  I stayed peaceful even though two of them had wet pants.  I kept my calm when I had to call a psyco parent.  

I was pretty bushed when I got home.  I need to release stupid and trust you Lord that you have it all under control.  It is not her classroom or mine it is yours.  I trust You. 

The Choice to Forgive

 I was challenged last night by Dr. Chen to forgive my pastor.  The church essentially is the problem from not helping me with my infertility, taking me off worship team due to my age, and essentially the pastor saying things that deeply hurt me.  The specifics are not important but I have to realize that I need to forgive and move on.  It will be a daily challenge but I am up for it.

Yesterday was a day of the unknowns.  First my co teacher came in really late so when I attempted to start the day it was a change and the kids responded as so.  I did the best I could and tried to keep it as close to what she was doing as possible. 

I can control my emotions, I can control keeping busy, my work ethics, actions, behavior, not sweating the small stuff, standing back praying and pausing when things are said and remember I am a child of God.

I have never been in such a place where things have been as backward, upside down and crazy as the past.  

Today is Saturday.  It is my fun day.  I choose to have fun and get things done. 

Yesterday and Arguing with Fools

 It was an interesting day yesterday.  My boss came in and said that I was not in charge of the classroom yet I had to spend half the day in the other sped room.  Then my co-teacher took 20 more minutes on her prep leaving the kids with nothing to do.  I also took ALL the children to music with no help from the other aide.  The day in the other room went well.  The kids in my classroom are finally realizing that when the other teacher is gone they behave because I am a loving person.  I did everything at lunch, snack and cleaning up everything.  The other co teacher did not show up until an hour and a half that school started.  They still talk behind my back that I can sometimes hear.  I purposely tune it out and focus on the children.  I am also going to do a rebuttal on the walk through.  I found my last one so I am going to show that it is was not a true indication of the room. 

Also after sitting on her bumm I am starting to stand up for myself.  She refuses to let Nelson take more than Mikalia's back pack and when her one charge left the room she blamed me.  I disagreed with her but I kept silent because it is foolish to argue with stupid.  You will never win. 

Proverbs 26:4-14 In-Context

2 Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse will not land on its intended victim.

3 Guide a horse with a whip, a donkey with a bridle, and a fool with a rod to his back!

4 Don’t answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are.

5 Be sure to answer the foolish arguments of fools, or they will become wise in their own estimation.

6 Trusting a fool to convey a message is like cutting off one’s feet or drinking poison!

7 A proverb in the mouth of a fool is as useless as a paralyzed leg.

8 Honoring a fool is as foolish as tying a stone to a slingshot.

9 A proverb in the mouth of a fool is like a thorny branch brandished by a drunk.

10 An employer who hires a fool or a bystander is like an archer who shoots at random.

11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.

12 There is more hope for fools than for people who think they are wise.

13 The lazy person claims, “There’s a lion on the road! Yes, I’m sure there’s a lion out there!”

14 As a door swings back and forth on its hinges, so the lazy person turns over in bed.

15 Lazy people take food in their hand but don’t even lift it to their mouth.

16 Lazy people consider themselves smarter than seven wise counselors.

The interview went well and the pay is slightly lower than now but it is so much closer.  I also have a lot of opportunity to get continued education.  This is good.  Mike thinks I should grab it. 

Well five more days till spring break.  A lot can happen between then.  I am thankful for my loving children but I am learning to not allow other people's opinions affect me.  Last I am learning not to dwell on it.  That is a sin. 

 

A Night To Sleep on It

 I have had a night to sleep on the previous incident.  Hurrying has been a habit and sometimes I don't focus on the important stuff.  But on the other hand my boss has not been in my room at all and I know she complied the list from others and not from her own observation.  She also has not helped or suggested at all.  Just a second walk through.  

With only 40 days left in the year I will focus on the things I can change and not worry about the things I cannot in this short span of time.  I will sit and think about this and maybe take the leap of faith and ask for help since she is my boss.  I will not listen to others and if their advice is helpful I will integrate it.  For the rest of the year if I am in charge I will just do things the boring way they are doing it except for the long videos.  

I trust God you have this and that I will have a job somewhere somehow.   Help me stay positive and be nice.  I have disagreed with stupid and it is like arguing with a pig.  I get messy and have nothing to show for it. 

Worst Walkthrough Ever

 

I got the worst walk through ever in my 16 years at Matteson.  My boss has not been in only one time and I was teaching a student I did not have much experience with. I am pretty bummed because the evaluation is based on others opinions not her. She also did not give me guidance  at all. This is a new position and I have more than tried to be nice, do everything required and etc.  I am sad but probably I will be on a retention plan next year. I wish I would of taken the job in South Holland but honestly I know that was not the right decision. Thanks for praying. God must have a plan for me

Tomorrow I am going to look the form over and try to be objective.  I will pray and ask for wisdom.  I will not jump to conclusions.  I will submit evidence that it is inaccurate and ask for concrete ways the walk though can be addressed.  I will ask for an additional walk though and pray that things will go better. 

 

A New Attitude

 I was doing something different in my classroom.  I prayed before the people came.  I prayed as I cleaned and when I dealt with tough situations.  It was still tiring and I was pretty stressed out when it was all said and done.  Glad it is over but nothing bad really happened to me today.  The other teacher took no one out today and instead of saying something to my lazy aides they praised them when earlier I had dealt with similar situations.  I leave  it in your hands.  Doing the right thing is  super hard. 

Lessons Learned from my mistakes and others

 Friday was an absolutely terrible day.  First of all I forgot my lunch and had to go back but I made it back on time.  Second I checked my Class Dojo account and a grandmother whom I had spoken to sent me an message telling me what a big deal it was about her grandson's cm cut.  It was literally that small and that she had cleaned and rubbed it so hard it bled all over the bandage.  It was nothing.  Then another student came in screaming and crying.  She had her fingers cut from some glass from another student on the bus.  The bus aide lied and said it happened at home.  Later she got kicked by a spoiled student in the classroom and I did not see it but I saw that the spoiled one had taken a weighted blanket from that first student.  That led to two phone calls with a parent who has a phone number that has International Ministries on her label on the phone number and basically almost yelled two times at me for relaying this information which was not my fault.  The last call she just hung up.  Then as I came back from lunch the one aide was upset that I did not contact her or the parents about her behavior.  I stated I did not see it and wasn't that her responsibility since she is contacting parents without the districts permission.  The co-teacher stated the blanket was MM and I stated I brought in the blanket and it was for everyone who needed it.  She continued to disagree with me and I decided that the blanket would go home with me.  Later in the day she told me I was supposed to take Jamarr on the bus and I stated that Mrs. Rudy would do it.  She again began to argue with me and when I approached my boss about it I was told that I needed to go to the bus no matter what.  In the midst of the situation Polk called MM parent and said something about the situation.   My boss also interrupted a phone call and I had to deal with the emergencies immediately.  If I can I will pause and pray. If not a quick response like Help will have to do.   I was so mad at myself that I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  The Lord told me He made me that way and even though I suffer from it I can choose to make better choices.

Instead of causing any havoc in the classroom I will clean and pray.  They have left it like a medium hordering situation.  I pride myself that this has not happened lately for me. 

I had a student have a 45 minute temper tantrum.  I sure hope I don't get nailed for that since I had to hold him or he would of ran away.  For the rest of the year he is going to basically get whatever he wants it is not worth getting in trouble for abuse and bad parenting.  Later in the day he saw me and was happy to see me, did run away from me when I needed to fix something and none of my aides were helping.  I also got to call his mother who stated he did that stuff at home. 

Then I got on the train.  Because it left 4 minutes late I missed the connecting train.  The doors of the train opened up on the wrong side and I went after chasing the train and I was approached by an officer and had to show my ID and almost got a mandatory 500 fine and court date.  I was so mad at the day I was really nasty to my husband. Despite the crappy situation we came up with a plan and my husband picked me up on a later train on the other line.  In the future if this happens I won't go on train tracks, stay on the first train and call my husband or a cab when I got to the La Salle Station. 

We came up with a solution and then we went to the concert.  At the concert we met my oldest friend in the area and we talked.  She has been a teacher about as long as me.  I told her stupidly about the incident with the window and she told me about how she hated her job and the kids.  How sad.  Honestly I love the kids, don't know what to do in many of the situations and frequently get frustrated and mad from my boss and staff in my room and those outside of it.   I need to not react when someone makes the horridness of the situation apparent.  I pray for Cheryl that she will get the joy of children again and that next time something happens I will say the right thing. 

I chose in the future to realize that disagreeing with any person including my boss in that school is pointless and stupid.  I need to stay out of the gossip even if it means I can't share my feelings with everyone.  Dogs come back to their vomit.  I don't want to be a dog but a bunny who is loving, kind and carefree.  

Last I did get the job in South Holland and it sounded great.  I did have some concerns about travel time and also in the seedy neighborhoods.  The pay was 20000 less than I am currently making right now and that I would lose tenture.  

I pray for a more peaceful day.  When chaos happens I will not be near the children.   When the teachers are talking in a corner I will chose not to listen especially if it sounds remotely about me.  Lord protect me and give me a day of peace.  It is a sorry day when I have to do full crazy reports on students who have one cm long injuries and people can lie so well honestly I think they  lie to themselves. 

So close....

 Well I got an offer from my first interview but it was almost 20000 less than what I am making now so I turned it down.  I am glad I got the offer but things just keep on getting crazier and crazier.  I got a call from Dr. Healy about my student Jamarr.  No one wants to take responsibility for things and now the Grandma is saying stuff that did not happen.  

So I have to clean up messes my teacher who arrived an hour and a half late, came back from her special 15 minutes late and left half an hour early ....  I am so tired of the blame game.  The OT tried to blame me for Chloe not having her headphones and I tried to protect one  of the teachers so I did not have to have the retrocessions of the incident.  

Well it is only about 38 days left.  I am so glad. Hopefully I will have a good interview this Thursday. 

Backwards and Upside Down

 It has been quite the week and it is only Wednesday.  First of all I was supposed to have a meeting with sped.  The meeting kept on being pushed back.  Finally a week later it happened.  I was told that my kids who are functioning at a toddler level should be able to eat their lunch and watch a movie for 40 minutes.  That is crazy.  

Also they asked if we were lesson planning together.  I said no.  They gave a few suggestions which were good but then seemed like they did not notice the kids and the fact that the aide and teacher were just sitting around or talking to them.

Yesterday it was 3 and a half hours they were watching screen time.  It gets hard watching this. The other teacher comes in late, leaves early and gets back from lunch late.  And it is okay.  And the sped and my boss don't fight it. 

I do have a interview for a job I really don't want.  It is in a seedy area and getting there is challenging with a train track that is unpredictable.  But this is empowering to me and I will look with discernment with pay, location, attidue etc.  If they offer it immediately.  I will be concerned. 

I had a good morning in the other sped room.  The kids are fun and it is rewarding to see their attitude.  

4 hours of screen time

 Today my boss came in when I was working with a student.  He has always been a handful and I have not been with him in a week.  My boss commented how he was not a behavior problem in his room.  I felt bad but I was also recognizing that the statement was not true because why would I have to work with him if he was so good when he had a sped teacher in the room.

I was supposed to meet with sped today to discuss classroom duties.  At the last minute no one came again...  Tomorrow I am supervising  the other sped class once the other teacher who  can be at least an hour and fifteen to half an hour late that I can go in the other room.

Second, they spent over 4 hours with the Smartboard on.  They did one paper activity and sat there and watched vidoes practically all day.

My one on one kiddo had trouble concentrating with all the kids in the room and all the screen time.  

Glad the days are only in the 40s.  I am tired of it all. 

I am sure the perfect position will open up.  I just need to be patient. 

Not an Accident

This weekend I had some incidents that were not accidents.  First of all I sent in my application to the coop for a job right near my house.  It was not more than a little over an hour I was scheduled for an interview.  Not sure if it is summer and fall but hoping it is that.  Second I found out that the sped people are coming in on Monday to talk to me and the co-teacher.  I was stressing out what I would say and that I was not a good teacher.  I had been told by several people this and my boss let me know this at least 4 times.  I opened up a short movie I had made showing that I was doing activities that were appropriate for my students.  There was no way that I had opened it up the day before.  The Lord knew I needed to see this and I am glad He let me.  

Last I am going to church today at Stone.  I want to leave but right now I have to be content to go every other week.  The Lord's will be done. 

Spiritual Warfare of a Different Kind

 Today I came into school and my boss stated to me I could not work with a child anymore.  I am not sure who told but that happened.  I was confused so I talked to my case manager and she said I need to be in my room all day and take my position back.  Then the co teacher came over an hour late and i started doing morning meeting myself.  She started to complain about small details of the meeting.  Then I told her if it is a problem contact the principal.  She typed some complaints on the phone and then suddenly one of the superiors from sped came.  The kids were crazy and I overheard her say to the other teacher we did not have those problems before.  I am praying I can figure out what I did wrong.  God help me get through this.

I am meeting with sped today and I am really nervous.  Lord help me speak the truth, take correction if needed and make the best of this situation.  

Praying through the process, persecution, pride and pain

 I am going to  a different church today.  I am going alone.  I have been wanting to go to church with big people for a while.  I am greatly disappointed in my church.  First my pastor has said some careless things about preachers I respect, did not bother to see me in the hospital and told me when my dad was recovering from his open heart surgery boy I would love a break like that.  

I have been wanting to jump ship since I was taken off worship team and never really fit in anywhere except kids church at church. I am thankful my husband has allowed me to be at Elevation for two weeks or so out of the month.

Last Sunday when I sang at my parents church I lost it a bit as a sang a song too close to my heart.  

I don't like to lose it but my heart at times is breaking.  

I have appreciated having the two days off this week.  The one other teacher took a mental health day in my class and I got to see that leaving the school after this incident is not totally a bad thing.

I am weighing the decisions of do I want to stay the same with knowing I only have 4 years left.  I wonder if I can be more respected and get more money somewhere else.  Will I not be tenured and let go with a drop of a hat.  

There are good things that are happening.  I found out that when I retire I got a big lump sum.  This could go into bills or rolled over into another investment. 

I am praying during the process of change at my job, the persecution the pain of when many people think I am crazy, the pride of me not allowing my justice and talking about it with others or defending myself when people don't think I am NOT crazy, Allowing God to work out the situation and the pain of making the choice to say no more whether it is walking away from my church, my job to a new one. 

I am definitely getting ideas to be creative whether it is with academics, WBT, my ambassadorship with GoNoodle and Lakikid. 

Show me if the Elevation Watch Party is something I should or should not do, give me direction on this job thing,  help me relish in the opportunities I have to be creative in my teaching the opportunity to make myself a better teacher do what I really want to do.

I see the walls of the perfect classroom start to crumble around me.  I can relish in the fact that things are falling or I can ask for God's will, keep my mouth shut and just observe.  

Today, Mental Health Days, The right way to do things

 Today was an unsual day.  first of all I think I was finally able to bury the hachet with my Bil.  I called him smart and I think that shocked him.  Still don't want to spend loads of time but it broke down some walls today.

Miller sent all of us announcing she was taking a mental health day tomorrow.  I am also going to be gone in the classroom.  That is going to be interested for the rest of the staff that does not show up on time.   When I let my boss know I would be gone she said now you are going to be gone two days right.  Yup.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  I got asked about my meds.   I think some people were digging for stuff.  Then I wanted to say stuff so many times but instead of I sometimes at least not all the time not shutting my mouth.  I leave it all to the Lord. 

What is Fair and watching the real truth coming out.

 Yesterday I had 6 interviews for a new teaching position. I think 6 went well,  5 positions I could see myself in and 4 I think I will definitely get a call back.  Two interviews I felt like they wanted to hire me on the spot, views were best for kids in the school and supportive of their sallf I realized as long as my boss does not get mad and send me on vacations I probably will stay put.  My co teachers in K are amazing, many people have taken me aside and let me know what happened was totally stupid and I love my babies.  Having less pressure I am able to focus on what I do best and discover the gifts through Christ I possess.

On the other hand I had three situations where I had to stand up for myself and do what is right and my kids.  It was not easy and I do not like confrontation but it needed to be address.  Part for what is best for my babies and respect for me.

I am learning what to ignore and what to address. 

Beyond the Surface

 I have been sleeping quite yucky lately.  I have been not able to get a good or excellent rating.  Most of the time it says are you still alive rating.  

I noticed yesterday my eyes were looking like one of my students.  I had been doing crying a lot in the last two days.  Maybe that is why she has her moments of being bad as well as her disability.  Another one of my students decided to take off her clothes in the line.  A way to get attention I would say.  I might give her more today.  

Yesterday my aide whom my boss likes decided instead of her being in control which she wants she would take it easy.  I had to do everything including teaching my tribe and another rascal.  

Last I told my boss no on the bus. I will do whatever she asks during my contract hours but I will not be riding busses especially those who only pay less than minimum wage because it is so long.

I will keep my mouth shut but I will also look as the Lord would be  understanding what is under neath. 

Upside Down Kingdom

 Today was a day especially would call upside down  From uncaring principals to stupid does not make sense with teachers and paras I came home and took too many vanilla Oreos.  I know it does not help, I need to pray more but after today I just want to see five heads roll to unemployment and eventually laugh at a situation i can't control.  All my dreams are about me out of control, others refusing to have self-control and watching many things happen( like my students)

I give today and tonight to you.

Peace

 Yesterday was a mix of blessings and pain.  First I got to sing at my parents' church.  This is the first time I have sat in a big peoples service since my seizures.  I got to sing and unfortunately at the practice I teared up at the end.  It took everything for me to not do it during church and freeze up.

The verses were about peace.  And in the Lutheran church the Bible is preplanned over a year before.  My song also prepared but not planned to go with the verses.  The people who usually used to the old and true music were touched.  I know it was the right song for the right time.  I was embarrassed I cried during practice but I felt that the Lord allowed my family especially my dad to see the pain I am experiencing. 

I have been sleeping really crappy. One is my diet but also my pride that I am no longer in control.  My feelings that it seems no one notices the right things I did such as making copies, buying stuff and equipment that helps my classroom.

I talked via chat on FB to my former minister.  He gave some encouraging words, Bible and one of his books that I already owned on Compfort.

Today I start with a new kid they can't handle in first grade.  He has been in my in my heart since I met him last fall.  I know it is not an accident.

The last two mornings I have woke up to the song Family by We the Kingdom. I realize how my church and work family has failed me.  The part time gigs I walked away have failed me.  My volunteer stuff disappointed me.  I am glad that God my Father has not failed me.  

I choose today to seek You Lord.  Help me get a better nights rest.  I am so tired and hurt today.

Wins and Disappointments

 Yesterday I got to teach WBT for two hours.  Boy was it exhausting.  I had pretty good engagement but it was tiring.    I am now having my job changed again.  A kid that cannot be handled in first grade with two teachers I get to get.  We are breaking all kinds of legal laws by me working with him.  

I am so tired.  I get told I am a crappy teacher yet they need me for so much shit.  This is not the way you treat someone who had ( I did not) a mental breakdown.  I will schedule my day with this kid but I will also feel free to take some days off for myself.

Just when I feel like I can make it this happens

 I woke up from my nap and stuff just overwhelmed me.  I have these dreams where I am in impossible situations and no one really understands what is happening except me.  

I am bleeding and yet instead of giving me a break I am gaslighted and put in situations where I have to not only instantly heal but accelerate.   I know it is part of God's plan but maybe it is time for me to make a change.

Dear Pastor Maddox,

Thank you for praying.  I have been blessed and have had no more seizures since January 1st.  But as I shared with you things have been pretty crazy.  I have been diagnosed and currently in counseling with Meier Clinic with PTSD, Childhood Trauma, Trauma and Anxiety since last May.  

  I was given a classroom this year that the other people including a Christian teacher could not last more than a year with less students than I have. It has been a crazy year with my dad having triple bi- pass, a few students who should of been not in my room, my own personal trauma and lack of help at work.   A little more than  six weeks things have been getting significantly getting worse at work. 

 This is due mostly by others decisions. I have aides and a co teacher who do the absolute bare minimum. I was accused of things I had not done.  I really had to seek the Lord and wonder if I was the one going crazy.  Listening to good Christian teaching, daily reading of my Bible and prayer showed me I had not lost it.   Due to my children's disabilities there are safety measures in place but they were not followed. 

 I had sent work orders and requests to my administration  regarding these issues but they were ignored or told that they were my fault.    Previously the last three days before the incident  I had put in work orders to adjust my heat and fix my lock but nothing happened.  I also spoke to my union both at the local and state level but there was nothing done to address these issues.  I truly believe that the heat being too hot allowed my windows to be open.  Otherwise how would I had been able to get in.  I also believe that the Lord knew and did allow this event to happen. 

About three weeks ago I was alone in my class during lunch when no one else was in the room  I sat or stood  at the door to make sure my students do not escape.  I was supposed to have help but no one showed up.  One of my students decided to strip.  As I was helping her dress another student took that as an opportunity, fiddle with my  broken lock and when I left it closed and was locked.  My boss went overboard and instead of seeing ghe situation for herself she called district.  I explained and documented the incident but I was given a two week medical leave.  

 

  I had to undergo a medical and psyc exam which I am happy to say I quickly passed. I also wrote a rebuttal of the incident and had my Christian editor correct it so when I presented it to the school they would put it in my file. I am happy to say they did and the fellow  they asked to write a written explanation wrote that the administration and my staff  had been at fault. 

  When I returned  to work last week instead of giving me a break I was given a co teacher who did not respect me.  The whole room was totally changed and they used all my personal equipment and stashed what they did not want in the room in a closet. My boss gladly told me how things were better at least two or three days  and I spent the week taking care of  her assignments she had not dealt with including some subbing.   

 That was fine with me because I did not have to be in the room and see my class not being properly cared for. Mike has tried to deal with this the best he can but he is really mad at my district and at God.  I know that God is able but things keep on popping up and I feel so helpless. 

  My family knows but no one in my church except for one friend  I am hurting so bad and I wish I felt comfortable sharing this with others. I am afraid if they knew like when I walk down the hallway and see teachers they would wonder about me.   So I am making the change of doing kids ministry every week and spending time a few times a month at a watch party for Elevation Church. Mike sees my pain and has given me the okay to go to the watch party.   I need to heal and pray.  I am looking for a closer relationship with God.  I have in the last year even before I started Christian counselling  taking the toxic and unfruitful things in my class.   Thanks for letting me share your story and letting me share mine.