I felt out of place in first grade. I think because I was the quirky kid and my interests were not those of others. I desperately tried for friendships. Often I would compromise my comforts for those of others. A group of third graders frequently were playing and they would sing this chant. Cross Cross apple sauce no body else can play with us. If they do we will knock them blue. I would play with them after they chanted it and suddenly I would be hurling to the ground and hit in the head. I would complain to the playground supervisor but they would never listen no matter who it was. They were too busy drinking their coffee or talking with friends. I felt the pain but I just kept on doing it. I can still feel the zing and the pain of every time they kicked me to the ground, Finally I decided that it was enough and I would play by myself. A lot of people thought I was weird. I knew I was safe. I absolutely dreaded going outside. I would just clam up and freeze. No where did it feel safe. To this day I have been extra cautious with my friendships. And I have been burned several times with toxic relationships just wanting to be liked and not disappoint people. I have learned I need to separate myself from others that do that to me. I am valuable and I am worthy to be a friend. I am unique and have lots of offer as a person, I am interesting with my talents and abilities, a helper and a friend.
I don't remember much with my mom hit me in the face. It really hurt and I felt very alone. I would feel so cold . I was embarrassed that I had let my mom do that. I eould feel the For many years I would flinch when someone get too close to my face with their hand. I remember sharing that with a trusted friend and she told me I did not deserve that. That was the first time I had heard that. When a person questions my worth I question my
Whenever I disappoint someone I can remember the time that mom hit me either physically or emotionally. I remember it was a ache but also an empty feeling of worthlessness. I was embarrassed that I allowed my mom to hit me, scream at me and hurt me physically and emotionally. I knew it was wrong but I still felt I did something to make her upset with me. I hated living in fear and walking on egg shells all the time. I believe it affected my relationship to Christ and I felt so alone.
Wed
Yesterday I shared my mom narrative with my husband. He listened and was really moved. We did discuss that my experiece was valid and that God had done a work in my mom and how it affected my whole mental being. I have used that with many of the students I have taught with balancing in bullying and difficult relationships. God works everything out for his good.
Yesterday my case manager came in. We discuss the difficult student. She told me I need to remember why a student is stressed and doing those things. I intially was not happy because it just made my job harder but I need to be thankful for my cm, staff, and those who are my superiors who want to help. What a difference from last year.
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