Yesterday and Arguing with Fools

 It was an interesting day yesterday.  My boss came in and said that I was not in charge of the classroom yet I had to spend half the day in the other sped room.  Then my co-teacher took 20 more minutes on her prep leaving the kids with nothing to do.  I also took ALL the children to music with no help from the other aide.  The day in the other room went well.  The kids in my classroom are finally realizing that when the other teacher is gone they behave because I am a loving person.  I did everything at lunch, snack and cleaning up everything.  The other co teacher did not show up until an hour and a half that school started.  They still talk behind my back that I can sometimes hear.  I purposely tune it out and focus on the children.  I am also going to do a rebuttal on the walk through.  I found my last one so I am going to show that it is was not a true indication of the room. 

Also after sitting on her bumm I am starting to stand up for myself.  She refuses to let Nelson take more than Mikalia's back pack and when her one charge left the room she blamed me.  I disagreed with her but I kept silent because it is foolish to argue with stupid.  You will never win. 

Proverbs 26:4-14 In-Context

2 Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse will not land on its intended victim.

3 Guide a horse with a whip, a donkey with a bridle, and a fool with a rod to his back!

4 Don’t answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are.

5 Be sure to answer the foolish arguments of fools, or they will become wise in their own estimation.

6 Trusting a fool to convey a message is like cutting off one’s feet or drinking poison!

7 A proverb in the mouth of a fool is as useless as a paralyzed leg.

8 Honoring a fool is as foolish as tying a stone to a slingshot.

9 A proverb in the mouth of a fool is like a thorny branch brandished by a drunk.

10 An employer who hires a fool or a bystander is like an archer who shoots at random.

11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.

12 There is more hope for fools than for people who think they are wise.

13 The lazy person claims, “There’s a lion on the road! Yes, I’m sure there’s a lion out there!”

14 As a door swings back and forth on its hinges, so the lazy person turns over in bed.

15 Lazy people take food in their hand but don’t even lift it to their mouth.

16 Lazy people consider themselves smarter than seven wise counselors.

The interview went well and the pay is slightly lower than now but it is so much closer.  I also have a lot of opportunity to get continued education.  This is good.  Mike thinks I should grab it. 

Well five more days till spring break.  A lot can happen between then.  I am thankful for my loving children but I am learning to not allow other people's opinions affect me.  Last I am learning not to dwell on it.  That is a sin. 

 

A Night To Sleep on It

 I have had a night to sleep on the previous incident.  Hurrying has been a habit and sometimes I don't focus on the important stuff.  But on the other hand my boss has not been in my room at all and I know she complied the list from others and not from her own observation.  She also has not helped or suggested at all.  Just a second walk through.  

With only 40 days left in the year I will focus on the things I can change and not worry about the things I cannot in this short span of time.  I will sit and think about this and maybe take the leap of faith and ask for help since she is my boss.  I will not listen to others and if their advice is helpful I will integrate it.  For the rest of the year if I am in charge I will just do things the boring way they are doing it except for the long videos.  

I trust God you have this and that I will have a job somewhere somehow.   Help me stay positive and be nice.  I have disagreed with stupid and it is like arguing with a pig.  I get messy and have nothing to show for it. 

Worst Walkthrough Ever

 

I got the worst walk through ever in my 16 years at Matteson.  My boss has not been in only one time and I was teaching a student I did not have much experience with. I am pretty bummed because the evaluation is based on others opinions not her. She also did not give me guidance  at all. This is a new position and I have more than tried to be nice, do everything required and etc.  I am sad but probably I will be on a retention plan next year. I wish I would of taken the job in South Holland but honestly I know that was not the right decision. Thanks for praying. God must have a plan for me

Tomorrow I am going to look the form over and try to be objective.  I will pray and ask for wisdom.  I will not jump to conclusions.  I will submit evidence that it is inaccurate and ask for concrete ways the walk though can be addressed.  I will ask for an additional walk though and pray that things will go better. 

 

A New Attitude

 I was doing something different in my classroom.  I prayed before the people came.  I prayed as I cleaned and when I dealt with tough situations.  It was still tiring and I was pretty stressed out when it was all said and done.  Glad it is over but nothing bad really happened to me today.  The other teacher took no one out today and instead of saying something to my lazy aides they praised them when earlier I had dealt with similar situations.  I leave  it in your hands.  Doing the right thing is  super hard. 

Lessons Learned from my mistakes and others

 Friday was an absolutely terrible day.  First of all I forgot my lunch and had to go back but I made it back on time.  Second I checked my Class Dojo account and a grandmother whom I had spoken to sent me an message telling me what a big deal it was about her grandson's cm cut.  It was literally that small and that she had cleaned and rubbed it so hard it bled all over the bandage.  It was nothing.  Then another student came in screaming and crying.  She had her fingers cut from some glass from another student on the bus.  The bus aide lied and said it happened at home.  Later she got kicked by a spoiled student in the classroom and I did not see it but I saw that the spoiled one had taken a weighted blanket from that first student.  That led to two phone calls with a parent who has a phone number that has International Ministries on her label on the phone number and basically almost yelled two times at me for relaying this information which was not my fault.  The last call she just hung up.  Then as I came back from lunch the one aide was upset that I did not contact her or the parents about her behavior.  I stated I did not see it and wasn't that her responsibility since she is contacting parents without the districts permission.  The co-teacher stated the blanket was MM and I stated I brought in the blanket and it was for everyone who needed it.  She continued to disagree with me and I decided that the blanket would go home with me.  Later in the day she told me I was supposed to take Jamarr on the bus and I stated that Mrs. Rudy would do it.  She again began to argue with me and when I approached my boss about it I was told that I needed to go to the bus no matter what.  In the midst of the situation Polk called MM parent and said something about the situation.   My boss also interrupted a phone call and I had to deal with the emergencies immediately.  If I can I will pause and pray. If not a quick response like Help will have to do.   I was so mad at myself that I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  The Lord told me He made me that way and even though I suffer from it I can choose to make better choices.

Instead of causing any havoc in the classroom I will clean and pray.  They have left it like a medium hordering situation.  I pride myself that this has not happened lately for me. 

I had a student have a 45 minute temper tantrum.  I sure hope I don't get nailed for that since I had to hold him or he would of ran away.  For the rest of the year he is going to basically get whatever he wants it is not worth getting in trouble for abuse and bad parenting.  Later in the day he saw me and was happy to see me, did run away from me when I needed to fix something and none of my aides were helping.  I also got to call his mother who stated he did that stuff at home. 

Then I got on the train.  Because it left 4 minutes late I missed the connecting train.  The doors of the train opened up on the wrong side and I went after chasing the train and I was approached by an officer and had to show my ID and almost got a mandatory 500 fine and court date.  I was so mad at the day I was really nasty to my husband. Despite the crappy situation we came up with a plan and my husband picked me up on a later train on the other line.  In the future if this happens I won't go on train tracks, stay on the first train and call my husband or a cab when I got to the La Salle Station. 

We came up with a solution and then we went to the concert.  At the concert we met my oldest friend in the area and we talked.  She has been a teacher about as long as me.  I told her stupidly about the incident with the window and she told me about how she hated her job and the kids.  How sad.  Honestly I love the kids, don't know what to do in many of the situations and frequently get frustrated and mad from my boss and staff in my room and those outside of it.   I need to not react when someone makes the horridness of the situation apparent.  I pray for Cheryl that she will get the joy of children again and that next time something happens I will say the right thing. 

I chose in the future to realize that disagreeing with any person including my boss in that school is pointless and stupid.  I need to stay out of the gossip even if it means I can't share my feelings with everyone.  Dogs come back to their vomit.  I don't want to be a dog but a bunny who is loving, kind and carefree.  

Last I did get the job in South Holland and it sounded great.  I did have some concerns about travel time and also in the seedy neighborhoods.  The pay was 20000 less than I am currently making right now and that I would lose tenture.  

I pray for a more peaceful day.  When chaos happens I will not be near the children.   When the teachers are talking in a corner I will chose not to listen especially if it sounds remotely about me.  Lord protect me and give me a day of peace.  It is a sorry day when I have to do full crazy reports on students who have one cm long injuries and people can lie so well honestly I think they  lie to themselves. 

So close....

 Well I got an offer from my first interview but it was almost 20000 less than what I am making now so I turned it down.  I am glad I got the offer but things just keep on getting crazier and crazier.  I got a call from Dr. Healy about my student Jamarr.  No one wants to take responsibility for things and now the Grandma is saying stuff that did not happen.  

So I have to clean up messes my teacher who arrived an hour and a half late, came back from her special 15 minutes late and left half an hour early ....  I am so tired of the blame game.  The OT tried to blame me for Chloe not having her headphones and I tried to protect one  of the teachers so I did not have to have the retrocessions of the incident.  

Well it is only about 38 days left.  I am so glad. Hopefully I will have a good interview this Thursday. 

Backwards and Upside Down

 It has been quite the week and it is only Wednesday.  First of all I was supposed to have a meeting with sped.  The meeting kept on being pushed back.  Finally a week later it happened.  I was told that my kids who are functioning at a toddler level should be able to eat their lunch and watch a movie for 40 minutes.  That is crazy.  

Also they asked if we were lesson planning together.  I said no.  They gave a few suggestions which were good but then seemed like they did not notice the kids and the fact that the aide and teacher were just sitting around or talking to them.

Yesterday it was 3 and a half hours they were watching screen time.  It gets hard watching this. The other teacher comes in late, leaves early and gets back from lunch late.  And it is okay.  And the sped and my boss don't fight it. 

I do have a interview for a job I really don't want.  It is in a seedy area and getting there is challenging with a train track that is unpredictable.  But this is empowering to me and I will look with discernment with pay, location, attidue etc.  If they offer it immediately.  I will be concerned. 

I had a good morning in the other sped room.  The kids are fun and it is rewarding to see their attitude.  

4 hours of screen time

 Today my boss came in when I was working with a student.  He has always been a handful and I have not been with him in a week.  My boss commented how he was not a behavior problem in his room.  I felt bad but I was also recognizing that the statement was not true because why would I have to work with him if he was so good when he had a sped teacher in the room.

I was supposed to meet with sped today to discuss classroom duties.  At the last minute no one came again...  Tomorrow I am supervising  the other sped class once the other teacher who  can be at least an hour and fifteen to half an hour late that I can go in the other room.

Second, they spent over 4 hours with the Smartboard on.  They did one paper activity and sat there and watched vidoes practically all day.

My one on one kiddo had trouble concentrating with all the kids in the room and all the screen time.  

Glad the days are only in the 40s.  I am tired of it all. 

I am sure the perfect position will open up.  I just need to be patient. 

Not an Accident

This weekend I had some incidents that were not accidents.  First of all I sent in my application to the coop for a job right near my house.  It was not more than a little over an hour I was scheduled for an interview.  Not sure if it is summer and fall but hoping it is that.  Second I found out that the sped people are coming in on Monday to talk to me and the co-teacher.  I was stressing out what I would say and that I was not a good teacher.  I had been told by several people this and my boss let me know this at least 4 times.  I opened up a short movie I had made showing that I was doing activities that were appropriate for my students.  There was no way that I had opened it up the day before.  The Lord knew I needed to see this and I am glad He let me.  

Last I am going to church today at Stone.  I want to leave but right now I have to be content to go every other week.  The Lord's will be done. 

Spiritual Warfare of a Different Kind

 Today I came into school and my boss stated to me I could not work with a child anymore.  I am not sure who told but that happened.  I was confused so I talked to my case manager and she said I need to be in my room all day and take my position back.  Then the co teacher came over an hour late and i started doing morning meeting myself.  She started to complain about small details of the meeting.  Then I told her if it is a problem contact the principal.  She typed some complaints on the phone and then suddenly one of the superiors from sped came.  The kids were crazy and I overheard her say to the other teacher we did not have those problems before.  I am praying I can figure out what I did wrong.  God help me get through this.

I am meeting with sped today and I am really nervous.  Lord help me speak the truth, take correction if needed and make the best of this situation.  

Praying through the process, persecution, pride and pain

 I am going to  a different church today.  I am going alone.  I have been wanting to go to church with big people for a while.  I am greatly disappointed in my church.  First my pastor has said some careless things about preachers I respect, did not bother to see me in the hospital and told me when my dad was recovering from his open heart surgery boy I would love a break like that.  

I have been wanting to jump ship since I was taken off worship team and never really fit in anywhere except kids church at church. I am thankful my husband has allowed me to be at Elevation for two weeks or so out of the month.

Last Sunday when I sang at my parents church I lost it a bit as a sang a song too close to my heart.  

I don't like to lose it but my heart at times is breaking.  

I have appreciated having the two days off this week.  The one other teacher took a mental health day in my class and I got to see that leaving the school after this incident is not totally a bad thing.

I am weighing the decisions of do I want to stay the same with knowing I only have 4 years left.  I wonder if I can be more respected and get more money somewhere else.  Will I not be tenured and let go with a drop of a hat.  

There are good things that are happening.  I found out that when I retire I got a big lump sum.  This could go into bills or rolled over into another investment. 

I am praying during the process of change at my job, the persecution the pain of when many people think I am crazy, the pride of me not allowing my justice and talking about it with others or defending myself when people don't think I am NOT crazy, Allowing God to work out the situation and the pain of making the choice to say no more whether it is walking away from my church, my job to a new one. 

I am definitely getting ideas to be creative whether it is with academics, WBT, my ambassadorship with GoNoodle and Lakikid. 

Show me if the Elevation Watch Party is something I should or should not do, give me direction on this job thing,  help me relish in the opportunities I have to be creative in my teaching the opportunity to make myself a better teacher do what I really want to do.

I see the walls of the perfect classroom start to crumble around me.  I can relish in the fact that things are falling or I can ask for God's will, keep my mouth shut and just observe.  

Today, Mental Health Days, The right way to do things

 Today was an unsual day.  first of all I think I was finally able to bury the hachet with my Bil.  I called him smart and I think that shocked him.  Still don't want to spend loads of time but it broke down some walls today.

Miller sent all of us announcing she was taking a mental health day tomorrow.  I am also going to be gone in the classroom.  That is going to be interested for the rest of the staff that does not show up on time.   When I let my boss know I would be gone she said now you are going to be gone two days right.  Yup.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  I got asked about my meds.   I think some people were digging for stuff.  Then I wanted to say stuff so many times but instead of I sometimes at least not all the time not shutting my mouth.  I leave it all to the Lord. 

What is Fair and watching the real truth coming out.

 Yesterday I had 6 interviews for a new teaching position. I think 6 went well,  5 positions I could see myself in and 4 I think I will definitely get a call back.  Two interviews I felt like they wanted to hire me on the spot, views were best for kids in the school and supportive of their sallf I realized as long as my boss does not get mad and send me on vacations I probably will stay put.  My co teachers in K are amazing, many people have taken me aside and let me know what happened was totally stupid and I love my babies.  Having less pressure I am able to focus on what I do best and discover the gifts through Christ I possess.

On the other hand I had three situations where I had to stand up for myself and do what is right and my kids.  It was not easy and I do not like confrontation but it needed to be address.  Part for what is best for my babies and respect for me.

I am learning what to ignore and what to address. 

Beyond the Surface

 I have been sleeping quite yucky lately.  I have been not able to get a good or excellent rating.  Most of the time it says are you still alive rating.  

I noticed yesterday my eyes were looking like one of my students.  I had been doing crying a lot in the last two days.  Maybe that is why she has her moments of being bad as well as her disability.  Another one of my students decided to take off her clothes in the line.  A way to get attention I would say.  I might give her more today.  

Yesterday my aide whom my boss likes decided instead of her being in control which she wants she would take it easy.  I had to do everything including teaching my tribe and another rascal.  

Last I told my boss no on the bus. I will do whatever she asks during my contract hours but I will not be riding busses especially those who only pay less than minimum wage because it is so long.

I will keep my mouth shut but I will also look as the Lord would be  understanding what is under neath. 

Upside Down Kingdom

 Today was a day especially would call upside down  From uncaring principals to stupid does not make sense with teachers and paras I came home and took too many vanilla Oreos.  I know it does not help, I need to pray more but after today I just want to see five heads roll to unemployment and eventually laugh at a situation i can't control.  All my dreams are about me out of control, others refusing to have self-control and watching many things happen( like my students)

I give today and tonight to you.

Peace

 Yesterday was a mix of blessings and pain.  First I got to sing at my parents' church.  This is the first time I have sat in a big peoples service since my seizures.  I got to sing and unfortunately at the practice I teared up at the end.  It took everything for me to not do it during church and freeze up.

The verses were about peace.  And in the Lutheran church the Bible is preplanned over a year before.  My song also prepared but not planned to go with the verses.  The people who usually used to the old and true music were touched.  I know it was the right song for the right time.  I was embarrassed I cried during practice but I felt that the Lord allowed my family especially my dad to see the pain I am experiencing. 

I have been sleeping really crappy. One is my diet but also my pride that I am no longer in control.  My feelings that it seems no one notices the right things I did such as making copies, buying stuff and equipment that helps my classroom.

I talked via chat on FB to my former minister.  He gave some encouraging words, Bible and one of his books that I already owned on Compfort.

Today I start with a new kid they can't handle in first grade.  He has been in my in my heart since I met him last fall.  I know it is not an accident.

The last two mornings I have woke up to the song Family by We the Kingdom. I realize how my church and work family has failed me.  The part time gigs I walked away have failed me.  My volunteer stuff disappointed me.  I am glad that God my Father has not failed me.  

I choose today to seek You Lord.  Help me get a better nights rest.  I am so tired and hurt today.

Wins and Disappointments

 Yesterday I got to teach WBT for two hours.  Boy was it exhausting.  I had pretty good engagement but it was tiring.    I am now having my job changed again.  A kid that cannot be handled in first grade with two teachers I get to get.  We are breaking all kinds of legal laws by me working with him.  

I am so tired.  I get told I am a crappy teacher yet they need me for so much shit.  This is not the way you treat someone who had ( I did not) a mental breakdown.  I will schedule my day with this kid but I will also feel free to take some days off for myself.

Just when I feel like I can make it this happens

 I woke up from my nap and stuff just overwhelmed me.  I have these dreams where I am in impossible situations and no one really understands what is happening except me.  

I am bleeding and yet instead of giving me a break I am gaslighted and put in situations where I have to not only instantly heal but accelerate.   I know it is part of God's plan but maybe it is time for me to make a change.

Dear Pastor Maddox,

Thank you for praying.  I have been blessed and have had no more seizures since January 1st.  But as I shared with you things have been pretty crazy.  I have been diagnosed and currently in counseling with Meier Clinic with PTSD, Childhood Trauma, Trauma and Anxiety since last May.  

  I was given a classroom this year that the other people including a Christian teacher could not last more than a year with less students than I have. It has been a crazy year with my dad having triple bi- pass, a few students who should of been not in my room, my own personal trauma and lack of help at work.   A little more than  six weeks things have been getting significantly getting worse at work. 

 This is due mostly by others decisions. I have aides and a co teacher who do the absolute bare minimum. I was accused of things I had not done.  I really had to seek the Lord and wonder if I was the one going crazy.  Listening to good Christian teaching, daily reading of my Bible and prayer showed me I had not lost it.   Due to my children's disabilities there are safety measures in place but they were not followed. 

 I had sent work orders and requests to my administration  regarding these issues but they were ignored or told that they were my fault.    Previously the last three days before the incident  I had put in work orders to adjust my heat and fix my lock but nothing happened.  I also spoke to my union both at the local and state level but there was nothing done to address these issues.  I truly believe that the heat being too hot allowed my windows to be open.  Otherwise how would I had been able to get in.  I also believe that the Lord knew and did allow this event to happen. 

About three weeks ago I was alone in my class during lunch when no one else was in the room  I sat or stood  at the door to make sure my students do not escape.  I was supposed to have help but no one showed up.  One of my students decided to strip.  As I was helping her dress another student took that as an opportunity, fiddle with my  broken lock and when I left it closed and was locked.  My boss went overboard and instead of seeing ghe situation for herself she called district.  I explained and documented the incident but I was given a two week medical leave.  

 

  I had to undergo a medical and psyc exam which I am happy to say I quickly passed. I also wrote a rebuttal of the incident and had my Christian editor correct it so when I presented it to the school they would put it in my file. I am happy to say they did and the fellow  they asked to write a written explanation wrote that the administration and my staff  had been at fault. 

  When I returned  to work last week instead of giving me a break I was given a co teacher who did not respect me.  The whole room was totally changed and they used all my personal equipment and stashed what they did not want in the room in a closet. My boss gladly told me how things were better at least two or three days  and I spent the week taking care of  her assignments she had not dealt with including some subbing.   

 That was fine with me because I did not have to be in the room and see my class not being properly cared for. Mike has tried to deal with this the best he can but he is really mad at my district and at God.  I know that God is able but things keep on popping up and I feel so helpless. 

  My family knows but no one in my church except for one friend  I am hurting so bad and I wish I felt comfortable sharing this with others. I am afraid if they knew like when I walk down the hallway and see teachers they would wonder about me.   So I am making the change of doing kids ministry every week and spending time a few times a month at a watch party for Elevation Church. Mike sees my pain and has given me the okay to go to the watch party.   I need to heal and pray.  I am looking for a closer relationship with God.  I have in the last year even before I started Christian counselling  taking the toxic and unfruitful things in my class.   Thanks for letting me share your story and letting me share mine. 

Story of the Vaccuum and Deceptive Defeat

 Today I fixed my vaccuum.  It made some errors but I fixed it.  It is God's way of showing me I can do hard things with His strength.

I think I told you earlier in the week my boss was telling how awesome the other teachers were doing.  I heard the true tale from my friends.  But it is interesting at first the kids were okay.  I did notice when I came into the room they were dashing for me.  I guess they saw kindness in me and love.  Then yesterday there was chaos in the room.  I wanted to take over but mostly I did not.  

They can have their big shotish.  I would rather depend on Godship. 

Peace

 After my two week vacation I went back to work with someone who did not have educational experience run my class.  Instead of letting take it easy after my supposed break down I was given sub jobs and more students.  Quite stupid.

I also have been praying for peace with my aides.  I have been feeding into them compliments and in four short days there has been a huge difference.  One even told me to have a good evening and that was the one who caused my departure.  I faithfully prayed for peace and justice.  God chose peace.  Let Him handle the justice.  5 days off till the end of the year but I still may take more.  I need therapy.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

 I was reflecting on yesterday and realized that I do not have to vindicate myself.  All I need to do is keep my mouth shut.