Gaslighting and Good Things

 Today was a day of mixed blessings.  FIrst of all I had my boss come by two times and tell you how fabulous the class is going without your help.  Second I had person after person tell me that they were seeing what was going on and did not agree with the situation.  Vindication!!!!

I got to use my WBT a lot today.  What a blessing.  I took off another day for a personal day.  So now I am down to only 6 Fridays this year.  So grateful.  

Thank you Lord for having me live through the storm.  I give it all to You.

Blessings from Feb. 27

 I am thankful for the following things yesterday.  I made it to and from school even with someone who could of hit me.  The time I got to work in another person's class and get my sea legs working again and remembering I am a good flexible teacher.  I got hugs from the kids who were able to give them to me.  Ava did not plop when I took her to the bathroom.  I had a peaceful lunch.  I got some reading and some stuff  done.  I did not have the pressure of negativity in my room.  Despite my hurt feelings from boss and sped staff I am thankful that I can rise above all things.  Much of my curriculum was used.  And the fact I can take 4 days off before the end of school. 

Gaslighting, Redemption, and Reverse Raism

 Today was quite the adventure.  First of all I was really nervous about work.  I went into my job and yes the classroom had changed but I also noticed that a lot of my stuff was being used.  The teacher showed up an hour late, spent fifteen minutes after her lunch break, left half an hour early and basically ignored me the whole day.  The last hour of the day she basically talked to her teachers and I was left supervising  sensory.  She also did not let me pass out what we are supposed to do for snack and only gave them one choice.

I spent an hour in the older  sped room.  It was really cool going from kid to kid and helping them out.  I even used some strategies with this one girl that only seems to get yelled at and gets nervous and makes mistakes.  Frankly I see a lot of kid me in her.  

Then lunch was okay.  No one announced when they were leaving except to go to the bathroom.

As I left my boss asked me about my day.  I said great and she told me that she was very happy with what is going on in the room and that it is supposed to stay that way.  Nice instead of how are you doing because I forced you to take a medical leave.

After work I stayed with the kinders  teachers and we discussed my incident.  The two teachers I feel are my friends were super supportive and stood up for me.  Lots of gossip went on around me.  I still don't trust the one but grateful they stood up for me.  The sped I liked even felt that the situation was not fair and accurately descriped.  I am glad I wrote the real truth.

As I reflect on the day I feel really not as tired and stressed but I am also sad.  In my anger I took off 4 days instead of 1 for sick days for doctors' appointments.  I may also take a vacation day or two.

Sped came in and they were bragging to the new teacher they were finally getting her curriculum.  Boy did that make me mad because I have made and spent so much in my room.  No one seemed to notice how well stocked my room was.  Frankly I think they expected to have the same way as the year progressed on. Boy will they be surprised when there is no more paper towels, plates and other supplies. 

It hurts but I just need to keep my head up, ask the Lord to have the face I need to have and frankly enjoy the break.  Help me to be kind and learn what I can from her.  I am not alone.  As I wind down for the day I am hurting but more peaceful than usual.  

Demotion can be less commotion

 I have tried to have a good attitude with this situation.  I have tried to do my best and then some but I am looking at this thing at least publicly for now as a situation that is less commotion in my soul.  No matter how I am treated, talked about and questioned.  I choose to keep my mouth shut.

The people who really matter

 I got an email from the WBT guru and he told me he was so angry this situation happened.  I got a few emails about wanting me to interview with them like Elim and St. Collettas.

I played a trick on my parents.  I pretended to dye my hair crazy colors.  It wan actually a photo changer on Instagram.  My parents did not think it was funny and my mom gave me a lecture on how to act when I returned and said I needed to behave myself because at almost 56 years old I need to be a good pastor's kid.  I rebuttled and told her that I did not have to act any specific way and that they were not responsible for my behavior.

I realized my parents can't take jokes and I can't worry about what they think of me.  Well at least I won't jump out any windows any more.

I am getting in touch with psycologists who can dignose me for ADHD.  I believe what the OT and my hubby said was partially true but frankly my problem is anxiety and PTSD.  I have applied to two jobs and also four job hunting communities.  Glad I am able to do something in this insanity.

Human

 

Yesterday I had a good talk with one of my mentors Barb.  She is in no way perfect and I don't agree with her on everything but she has a lot of good wisdom and godly advice.  

I found out that I am coming back to Arcadia and there is a co teacher who supposedly got all my problems fixed and that she did everything I was told to do.  

Part of me is glad because I don't have to be in charge and I was in a impossible situation with my aides etc.

My husband said I had been failed by my admin, aides, etc.  

I am grateful that I don't have to be in charge but my pride wants me to scream that it is not fair.  I also wonder if this is God's way of protecting me and that He is teaching me to transition to the position I will have when I retire.

I also wonder if I am doing too much and my body is telling me it is time to take a break.

I pray for success for this situation, that my pride will be left on the shelf and that I can do what is put in front of me.

But it still hurts. 

Boundaries

 I have recently listened to a message on Boundaries.  I have been realizing that I need this in my life.  After this forced medical leave I am having an opportunity to step back and examine this situation.  I am learning that there needs to be needed boundaries in the conversations I have with people and that even though I am scared when I go back that I need to project a feeling of confidence.  Not the one that is fake but one that at the right time the Holy Spirit will give me.  Second when I need to speak up I am going to not speak with the words of Chris but of God.  But lastly it still really freaks me out.  Lord have your way. 

I am gathering the data that states when the heat in my room was fixed.  That the lock was never fixed and that despite it being enabled to my admin it was never addressed.  I am tired of all the lies and anyone else not involved in this situation has basically been supportive of me and the stupidity of this situation.  

I am grateful that finally Jesus said enough of torturing my child.  I am protecting you from something more harmful such as accidently harming someone or myself.  Lord have your way.  I still pray for peace in this situation that somehow I can win over my aides and my boss to be peaceful with me but I know the likelyhood of that happening probably won't happen.  

I am still disappointed in my parents.  I really need them right now.  I am grateful for my husband and  

Disappointment

 I talked to my mom yesterday and I feel like I am such a disappointment to my parents.  As I look back at the incident that only thing I can do differently is wait for administration to come to open the window or unlock the door.  Honestly I still think God had my back and that what I was put on medical leave did not include me harming anyone or doing or saying something I would regret later.    

My husband says whatever happens we will deal with it.  I felt also so bad when I talked to my union rep and she had me disclose all the times I got written up.  It hurts so much and many of the situations were not my fault.   I hurt so much.

I taught yesterday in kids church and I felt things went relatively well.  I feel so stupid and frankly don't want anyone to know of my pain or think I am crazy.

I have been praying for peace in the situation but I am also mad.  Mad that no one really came to my rescue except one person from sped.  I hurt so much.  I feel so much like a failure but honestly this could not go on and I still believe it was for a purpose.

I even think about my future options.  I don't want to retire but I see no other way to get free of this situation.  I even wonder if anyone would hire me after this incident.  God I need a miracle. 

Wounded Spirit

 I just listened to Frank Peretti and his book WS.  What a game changer.  I realized that in a strange way I was bullied at my job.  This led to my thinking that I was crazy or gas lighted

Menards

 I recently found out that Menards hires seniors to stock shelves from 5 to 10.  They pay 17 dollars per hour and 20 on weekends.  I have also thought about my dream to be a job coach.  I currently after this situation have been toying with the idea to find the fastest way to retire and then work at Menards as a stocker.  I also remembered my dream about the adult I worked for 14 years that was unemployable.  I would love to be a job coach.  I am not sure if this is a legit dream but wouldn't it be something that I could do that someday.  It is looking like my dream could be in the near future. 

Watching the Movies

 I have reflected watching the three Gaslight movies.  I truly believe that I was gaslighted by my aide.  I look back at the situation and even though I am far from perfect I truly feel that I was gaslighted.  I wish I would hear from my school and see if I have a job or not.  It is hard to wait.  I hope I do but honestly I truly believe that if it was not this situation with the window it would of been something else. 

Feelings a Few Days Later

 I have been busy with making a general  NP and psychological exam.  All were normal.  All said I was normal and the situation was just plain stupid.  I sent in my stuff.  They said the lawyer needs to look it over.  I also sent my recap.  I wish I would not have done that.  

I am disappointed with my mom.  She does not want to talk to me or about the situation.  I feel so abandoned.  My dad is the same.  I am disappointed with the whole situation.  There are actually people out there who think I am a little cray cray. 

I am still part of the school chat which is starting to be totally gossip and tearing down others.  I am disappointed with my crazy doctor.  She said she could not do the eval.  I am so grateful my husband found someone so quickly.  I am thankful for my NP who was able to get me in.  

I know God you are out there.  I know my time for teaching is not over yet.  I want to do God's will but I want to go back and finish out the year.  But I believe a week ago the Lord saw my pain and said Enough like he did with David when he was being punished.  I know when I return they will say everything was peachy but I know the truth and I don't have to argue with that.  

Guess the next step is lawyer  shopping. 

Recap of the Locked door incident

 First of all I believe this paid absence is a blessing in disguise.  Instead of trying to figuring out it all I am just going to take it all at face value.  I realized I do have issues when setting up my classroom which used to take 20 minutes for two days of absence took me over 3 hours and I kept on making mistakes in planning.  I also felt that focusing was super impossible.  When I had my parent teacher conference I felt like I was trying to keep my emotions together.  

I have thought about the incident on Thursday.  First I was put in a bad situation. My principal stated that where was my classroom assistant and I said I did not know.   I basically had to either block or watch the door for escapees. I was alone and another assistant was supposed to be in the room with me  One student decided to strip and that was the moment that one decided to use that as a opportunity to escape and lock the door.  I had been concerned with my door recently and sent two work orders to get it fixed.  Also my room temperature was 79 even with the door open.  I had sent three work orders and it continued to be super hot in my room. When I ran after Ava I should of notified the office of her escape and stay with my other students.  I tried to be a super hero and chase after her.  She was shoe and sock less and plopped and I could not get her up.  When I picked her up I noticed that the door was locked.  I tried to have my students unlock the door but they did not know how to do it.  I did the first logical thing and tried my fellow teacher next door and across the way and neither teacher had a key to unlock it. So I called the office and my teacher let the secretary know about the situation.  She stated that she could not leave her desk.  My classroom aide was no where to be found.  The secretary called for the custodian and he tried the keys and still was not able to unlock the door.  Finally my classroom assistant came with the custodian My one on one had arrived from lunch and I stated she needed to stay with student who had escaped.  I realized because of the heat that the windows had been open except for the screen due to the heat.  So I took a chance and attempted to get in through the door.  I unlocked it and Ava came back in the room.  My student who stripped had her shoes and socks off.  My one on one had not returned and it was time to go to specials . I made a decision to attempt to take the student who was a one on one since her aide was not there and the reminder of the students to the special.  I figured that I would bring the shoes afterwards and it was better to be safe with all kids in toe instead of trying to put the shoes on myself and as soon as I put one child's shoes on the other would take theirs off again When I walked to the special I was able to successfully ge them to the special .  The one on one stated that she would return shortly.  My principal was quite upset and without looking at the window assumed I had broken it and was quite upset that i had  not supposely contact her when I did call the office for help.   I wrote the incident as best as possible and my principal stated I guess you did not break the window and walked away.  Then an administrator came and we discussed the incident.  It was determined I take a medical leave of absence.  I stated I would get together lesson plans .  Unfortunately I was only able to get one week ready due to having to leave the classroom before the end of the day. I was able to keep my composure and attempted to make the appointments for the medical staff that were needed for my return. I am grateful that the district is concerned for my health and I have discussed with  one of my NP how my treatment should be adjusted.  I am also going to articulate the specifics of my concern for my medical condition  I hope by fufilling this leave of absence  I will be able to return Feb. 27rh Moving forward I would like another assistant to help me watch my class during the time I was formally alone  if a student escapes I will call the office and not leave the classroom lso need my assistant to follow my direction and not leave and go to the office, another classrom or somewhere else without letting me know when I specifically asked the one on one to say with the student.   Other than leaving with finding out if there were keys and or contacting the office for help and opening the door by going through the window I was present watching my students.  I look forward to my return because my heart is with the students and that steps will be taken to make this classrooy m a more safe enviroment by my absence and figuring out how to retify the siiuation  would request that this statement will be in my file since this is more specific that my first statement and it will detail the incident.  I hope in my absence it will be determined I am able to do my job description safel In my absence since I will not be there I have stated to the secretary that I would deliver the keys the the office.  On my department I left my room with all the windows locked since it was 75 degrees most of the day Thank you

A Medical Leave

 My students locked themselves out of the room and i was stuck chasing after a student.  When I returned I could not get back inside  I waited until my aide came back and I also checked with two teachers for their keys.  I also called the office and they stated the secretary could not leave the desk.  My aide left when I asked her to stay to talk to the principal  The custodian could not unlock the door.  No one was helping me so I decided to remove the screen , climb through the window to get in to unlock the door  The lock was suddenly working.  My principal was mad I did not get her and I stated no one would come to give me keys.  I was given medical leave.  Then the OT called and mentioned some things I had forgotten and people who had told her that I was forgetful. Most of the things were only partial truths.  I misplaced a few things she had given me to use in the class and suddenly she comes in and needs them in a hurry.  She also reported emails that were incorrect.  So after tomorrow I am on medical leave.  I am just going to clean my room, do my conferences and just leave.  My husband is mad at the situation, my parents blame me for the situation and I am still in shock this happened.  I am just going to go in my room, shut the door and be quiet.  

It is okay I am not perfect

 Today was a bit of a stressful day but I kept my cool by praying all the time.  Even when people gave me their helpful advice I tried to decipher good from bad.  Also when others would either put me down or make me feel bad. I do the best with the kids and I may not be the best but I am doing my best.  I am thankful for a little girl that let me change her big mess.  I am thankful for bringing job  

All day worship and praying

 I finally came to the conclusion that I am going to have to do everything on my own.  God is in control and I know He and his angels protect me.  Ava only plopped a few times today.  I bribed her with keeping her shirt.  On the way to art I had to monitor my almost full class and a heavy chair.  God showed me by having all my students push the cart I could keep track of them.  Then games that should of worked did not.  Five out of five of my cherubs are super sick but they won't stay home.  I found something through God's wisdom and it worked with jumping through hoops.  I also found that activities with too many choices is not good.  I kept them busy and even took as constructive criticism something my aide said.  I will get through this year with Christ's help.  I listened to two worship songs instrumental all day long.  I also prayed every time things went cray cray.  Thank you Lord for a improved day. 

Good Stuff

 If I were to say how I felt about yesterday I would say it was just awful.  It was 100s day and I had some fun activities for my students.  All of them bombed.  And my principal was disappointed I did not do the activity all the kids were doing in K.  Then no help and all my students are sick.  But then I got off work and got my hair cut.  No wait.  Then I got my art supplies from the library.  No wait.  

Yesterday as I was getting my students ready to go home none of them would get their coat on.  So I prayed and suddenly five minutes later all of them had their coat on.  

I guess I am going to have to do everything alone.  Despite two extra adults in my room I am going to have to do it all.  But I am not alone.  Jesus and his angels are there to bring peace and wisdom in a crazy situation.  I would like peace to come through this situation but most likely it won't come.  Help me learn from this experience. 

So much going on

 I know it has been a while.  First I had a series of seizures jan. 1st.  I was in the hospital for a few days but nothing.  Supposely I can't drive.  I have been a bit.  Lots happening at my job.  My new aide has done so much to destroy me.   And I am being called on the carpet for stuff that should of been given to my last August.  I am trying to fix things but my staff is on a mission to do as little and twisting my words.  And I am supposed to do this with my medical condition.  I know God is in control and I am thankful for all the prayers and concerns.  Then this student who was not a behavior problem bit my aide when I was gone.  Frankly I was not sad for my aide.  Getting scratched, hit and sometimes bit is part of the job.  I have  stood up to the aides but to no avail but I am expected to handle everything yet my aides won't do anything.  I do see miracles every day.  My students are growing and God is helping me in a toxic situations.  just the right songs, scriptures, etc.  I want peace but I also want justice.  I see so many God winks.  But it is hard to be at a job where people don't like you and want to destroy you.  I went into teaching for the children and their personalities and learning.  It is sad when taking data, getting out of the work, having to decide to only take children who want to learn is your only desire said my classroom aide.  I pray for strength but I am open to a change this late in my career and retiring five to eight years earlier than I originally thought   I am glad God is in control.