Impact Statements

 

I tried to make friendships when I was in first grade and then fourth grade.  I remember dreading going to the playground because I would get teased, hit and bullied.  No one seemed to take me seriously.  I shielded myself by playing by myself.  

I let guys when I was younger take advantage of me.  I knew it was wrong but I so wanted to have value.  I see that in my sister and I realize that happiness is not having a man in your life.

I dreaded my first school teaching experience for nine years.  Even though I did make some mistakes I would read the agenda hoping my name was not on it and that I would have to go see my boss during my break.  The sad but justice out of the whole situation is that my boss eventually got caught being so rebelious he lost his job. 

I had some difficult experiences teaching and realized it was beyond my mistakes but was the cause of other's worthlessness.

I remember that my mom used to have a temper.  When I did something to make her upset and most of the time it was childhood ignorance and not my fault.  I would run scared in the bedroom or closet upset and crying.  My sister when she was little would hide too.  Sometimes with me .   I would always appologize for my behavior whether my mom asked for forgiveness.  I now know that the frustration with a mentally ill mother was part of her problem and that she was just overwhelmed as a parent with me.  

I went to work the last five years and learned a lot and last year was the second worst year of my teaching career.  I believe that I will learn and grow so I can handle what is put in front of me this year.

I used busyness not to deal with my infertility.  I harbored a lot of anger toward my husband to not give me one of the things I desperately wanted.   

I used busyness to get the things out of life I desired.  I wrote, I trained I taught, I  worked with the disabled to find satisfaction in my life.  

I quit my part time employment, I stopped being a marathon coach, I am now giving up my future as staff with Whole Brain Teaching.  I quit these things because I had become discouraged not being valued and then fearful when I made mistakes.  

I got involved with Elevation Church as a way to bridge that gap in my feelings of not being respected at church.  I like to have a place where I am valued.

I started not liking going to church when people did not understand infertility.  I found out later that my pastor was going through a break down himself. I still don't like going because I am not able to share my talents and abilities.  Kids church is a safe place where I can learn, bring value to others and use some of my talents and abilities.

I am mad because it seems like at church I am too old to do worship team.  I hate going to the sermons because the pastor gets off track into one of his pre Christian days.  He also bad mouths EC.  It all comes back to repent, ....   My husband seems adored by the staff.  It is not fair.

My sister and brother in law seem to use people and are not reliable.  They say that they are Christians but they drink, not go to church and make me feel like crap when I visit them.  I avoid them as much as possible.

I wish my husband would stand up  for me.  I  feel like I have to always advocate for myself.  The experience has made me stronger and if I outlive him I can survive but I would love to have him do those things for me.