Lean Unto the Lord

 I woke up Saturday at midnight and could barely walk.  My butt and leg were all messed up and I threw up all over the kitchen table.  I realized my body finally said enough stress.  You need to take it easy.  

I heard a fantastic message from Charles Stanley on love.  I need to quit trying on my own and just relying on the Lord more than ever before.  I guess the last few days had really stressed me out.  

My internal is not lying up with the external and frankly I am not sure how much more I can take.

I need the Lord's help to take the people pleasing away and just let things happen.  

Happy Things

 Today Mohammad gave me a hug unexpectantly.  And I was able to be flexible in so many ways.  Thanks Lord for helping me be aware of happy things. 

Final Straw

 I have been doing pretty good with no help on so many things in my new position.  Today though I kind of dropped the ball on a small detail.  My principal called me and told me that I needed to do things better and that I should do things right so I don't have a call from her.  Last week the vice iditot called me on the carpet for stupid stuff. 

I have had a least 20 things I have quietly tried to fix and did not send a call that they had not done wrong.  

I am deternmined to do things right this year but I will be making a lateral transfer.  Today was the final straw.

Attitude but Prayer

 Yesterday I did kids church.  My two charges showed up.  I kept them busy and personally they sat pretty well.  There were other kids being bad but I realized I could only do so much.  I also caught some kids causing problems and also trying to steal.  It just shows me I need to pray.  For for Pastor Michael and also for the kids.  I can't change others but I can change myself.  Also the charges were better behaved.  I am thankful. 

Need to Pray

 Yesterday I watched my husband's pastor preach.  He declared to the crowd his political officiation, what they should not be and frankly got super political.  I decided instead of having an attitude to pray.

Today I think my game went pretty well.  But the service I would say most of the kids were not listening and then new kids we had were trying to steal, cause havic.  I don't want to be profiling but these new kids we have been getting are really causing problems and PM can't really do anything about it because we are stepping on egg shells with them.

I again need to pray.

I could really let the situations give me a bad attitude toward Stone but I choose to let prayer be my aim. 

The opportunity of handling things better, doing somethings well and learning to let go of my ego

 Today was a mix of lots of different feelings.  First we were one staff short.  That always effects everyone and then still being down one person adds to it.  My assistant supervisor who loves to find stuff wrong with me just showed up with no warning etc.  I was engaged and fortunately I was able to pivot to the right things.  I watch myself and I see where the Lord has given me wisdom for this time in my life.  

I am starting to gel with Noah our MI kid, Ava my TBI and MI kid.  Then we had a sick kid and the parents refused to pick him up.  Finally after a call from the nurse they picked him up.  In the midst of it my staff was mad because they did not want to get sick.  Frankly I did not want to as well.

Then at the end of the day a parent was late.  They were mad I kept on texting them and did not appologize that they had arrived almost 45 minutes late.  And to top it off the kid who is normally pretty good was kind of bad and challenging me. 

Last night we had Reflect with EC and it was really good.  A very timely word   I am learning about the difference of what I am supposed to carry, what is not my responsibility and what the Lord will carry for me.  

I also joined a new E group and so we will see how that goes. 

The Challenge of Bouncing off you

 I am learning that when people attack me I need to differentiate whether the statement is valid.  Most of the time when it it not I need to just let stuff go.  It is difficult but I am learning

Making Bricks with No Straw

 I have been making bricks with no straw literally.  I have been doing testing with no help and basically figuring everything else with a back door.  

Also I am seeing that everyone is out to get each other.  I can't control others and how they go behind each others back but I can make sure I am not doing it.

Tomorrow is meeting number two. Such a waste on so many levels.  I hate meetings.  Then one on Friday. 

Learning from Being Overwhelmed

 Today it was a tough afternoon.  First I finally thought I had fixed the AIMS web problem.  Then we had the IEP meeting and at the end the LEA rep made me look really stupid.  All was well until the end of the day when I started testing one of the tough rascals.  She was really having a hard time and instead of respecting that the end of the day is not a good time for an unannoced visit I had to deal with a PDR and two statements of things I did wrong.  I stated I would not do those things again and admitted my faults.  Moving forward I will give responsibilities to others when it gets too hard and I will not ask for any help except for things that are absolutely necessary. 

Little VIctories

 It was another crazy day but also some good stuff.  I was able to control Ava today.  Noah was out of control but I kept my cool.  I worked with a student out of control.  And I had to do what I needed to do.

I had a nice day yesterday.  I did the race in three minutes later with more difficult conditions.

I was able to figure out the AIMs web testing.  I am truly blessed

Blessings Good and Preparation

 I am not sure what to title yesterday.  It was a mixure of different feelings. It was a tough day and there was lots of crazy.  First of all the SW and the BCBA did not know what they were doing.  The advice was just plain stupid and not at all what I know they are supposed to do.

I have two students with MI.  It is hard when they snap off instantly.  The one is physically threatening me, my class and my staff.   One student wants attention so desperately that they make bad choices so they get noticed.

I am trying with my student one to redirect and help her when she spazes out, the one student to ignore threats and the other praise him when he doing good.

The experts spent hours making a plan for the dangerous student.  They just sat back and wrote out a plan without any advice or direction from us.  The icing on the cake was when they one timer they set for the danger kid went off and they were so busy wasting their time on making this plan that they did not turn their own timer off.  And the funny thing is that the plan they spent hours was almost the same as the one I made in second ( All the Lord's doing) in five seconds.

Initially I was furious but then I remember I asked that the Lord would give US wisdom on how to handle this kid.  It does not matter who gets it but as I reflect on the plan I see where it was basically my idea and it is not important who gets the credit.

I also went to the Elevation Rhythm Concert last night.  It was so neat to see these young people worshipping.  What a blessing. I pray that I will remember what is worship and what is not.

Cheers to Positives

 Today I figured out my student Mohammad's sweet spot with music class.  DJ finally gelled to the chart and he found out that the joy of making his teacher happy.  I talked with a parent and I was able to not jump and just let nonsense fly.  

Today is Curriculum Night.  Always an adventure.

Of course

 Today I started the day with going to my building and getting ready for chaos.  Then I went into the meeting.  I felt like I am on a firing squad and looking for what I did wrong.  I kept my cool but I gave myself grace and just did what I needed to do. 

Then I got to school and the kids were just plain crazy.  I was so glad I got my breaks and the Lord gave me grace dealing with the students.  

My goal for this year is just to be average and that this will be the last eval I will have since next year I will be on the downward cycle for the end. 

not getting upset of stupid

I found out my plans and lunch are not covered.  The money will not be paid for my personal stuff.  I leave it with people 

More layers of crazy

 One of my students was really off the chain today.  He came in angry and the dad set him off before he went to school.  The parents are so out of control that they are bringing in his electronics so we can program them to be safe.  Something that parents could hide after hours with a dollar store lock.  

Then the SW was not there to help us and told us we were to find out if the student was safe by asking them how they wanted to die and what means they had to do so.  All of us refused.  

The BSBA was a complete moron and wanted me to drop the five in my class and attend to one crazy child still functuning in the dumb brain.  IT is sad when I am more calm than the educated BCBA.

We were two aides and one certified down and no one helped us.  I will keep my eyes and ears open for a new position at Transition Pod 2.  And I will be taking off some days in Nov. for sure. 

I am so tired of all the meetings with staff and not getting the answers or the help I need.  The answer is a form that is just sent into space.  

I am thankful I can keep my cool and that the Lord is with me. 

God is there and some doors closing

SAT. races was good.  There was some live music and great support.  Music at Godgiven moments. I was slower so it was disappointing that the course caused me to do the sidewalk.  Might be a race I do not do again but thankful that I am part of a group that does not leave a runner alone on the course.

Sun was pretty good.  I had a student reach out here hand during worship. With the Lords help my message went well.

Then I heard a message that went against my spirit.  But then this morning I heard a message that was sound. I leave this church in your hands.  It is not good for me. Help me in this growing time.

The Many Layers of Crazy

 Yesterday was just one bad day with lots of layers.  First I had a meeting with one of my bosses.  She felt insecure so she used that opportunity to make me feel bad.  I realized that immediately and then I did what I could to build her up even though it was me that figured out the situations. Then we had a group meeting and it was another huge disaster.  I had shared that our one person who is lazy needs more guidance.  Instead of talking with her pr.ivately they publically praised her.  It was nuts.  Then I found out more work I have to do and stuff that was someone else was put on me.  Then I was blamed for stuff that were lies. Also the kids were nuts in music.  It was like a spirit of crazy was in there and then the rest of the day was just nutso.  Finally the parent who talked behind my back lies and wanting unrealistic expectations was late picking up her granddaughter.

I am proud of myself though I realized the boss just did not like herself and I instead kept to facts and thanked her for ( nothing) Noted that in the futre I will not call her for help.  Also I asked for someone to help me and she refused.  

Then I figured it would happen but I was also told that I would not be reinbursed for my stuff I was told I could have.  Moving forward I will just expect I will not get paid. 

I complained to my mom and my husband and it  did not do anything for help.

Moving forward I will do what I need to do not to lessen my stress.  I will expect that I will be blamed for stuff that is not my fault.  I will not get the help I need.  People will get away with stuff and parents will talk behind my back.  

I can't control others but I can control myself. And as much as my ego is hurt I need to stick to the facts.  

And for next year I will be in prayer about how to handle situations including a position change.

Bad Decisions and letting things go

Today was just awful.  I had to sit in a meeting that could of been sent in an email.  The kids who desperately need structure came back after a four day weekend wild, my co teacher was freaking out with stuff that was not explained to me, they changed bus services on a few of my kids and then my boss came to visit and observe.  BUT with the grace of God I survived. Lord grant me and my other teachers wisdom.   Lord grant me peace 

Toxic Christians

 I was thinking of some of the people that I have interacted with in the past.  First I thought of the running groups I was a part of.  Then I thought of people initially I thought were safe and ended up being quite toxic.  I am thankful for learning and growing.  Now I am more smarter.   Thank you Lord for your eternal wisdom.