PTSD for the Win

 I have been pretty understanding of most children with trauma.  I look into my new student's eyes and I see so much darkness.  I look into my student who is constantly feeling stress all the time.  His eyes seem to understand I am a safe person.  I see where my teacher has PTSD and after having an attitude towards him I finally understand.

I think about the typing teacher who used to hit my hands when I looked at the keys, the mentally ill teacher who would not stand up for me, the teacher who used to torture us with his paddle on the wall.  The teacher who yell at me when I made a mistake.

I think about my five years at Illinois School with two principals in particular who would torment and belittle me.  My last year when they have me the hardest class in the district and my principal would not support me at all.

The year at MG with gaslighting and poor leadership.  Same things happen here but just not so difficult.  I am at the point of my teaching that I could retire if I needed to.

I look to a church that in the last seven years have not supported me and caused guilt as I started therapy and medication.

I am thankful that the Lord has helped me though all these challenges and I have stomped the Devil with getting payback in so many areas. I can do things afraid and am part of a place where I can make a difference everyday. 

Yesterday was a hard day

 Yesterday was a hard day.  It started with my husband basically throwing tantrums and then critcizing me on some things I did wrong.  He did later appologize and I told him I loved him.

Then I got to school, finished report cards and looked over my new student's IEP. 

Then my best aide told us she was leaving and my other aide did not come and did not say why even after several calls.

At the end of the day my one student who tantrums hit another student.  I had to call both parents and share the incident.  It was hard but I know I did okay.

I can't change others but I can pray and let God handle stuff.  

When I have days like this I realize that maybe going off my meds is not a good idea. 

Be invisible, Gaslighting, Learn from own and others mistakes

 The last few days I have finally figured it out.  I need to be invisible at all times. I need to not search for good jobs and just do what I do.

 I need to treat people with respect and think about how what I say will effect them.  I need to take people aside and just talk to them.  I need to honestly find what sparks someone's morale without giving them empty or junk to reward them.  

It is hard to be a boss.  Lord help me be a good one. 

Soft Quitting

 I did some work for summer school and instead of being praised I got called on the carpet for stuff that really is not a mistake.  I also had to deal with stupid negativity.  

I chose to not go overboard on stuff.  Offer a little as possible and just do my own thing as long as it does not hurt my students.  

I can't change others but I can me. 

Grateful 8

 Today was a lot of blessings.  I talked with the care team at Elevation and will be starting this in July.  Also it was a beautiful day for graduation and I had a lovely group to walk back with.  When we went to the baseball game we were one of the few with awuning and missed the rain.  Also I have slept well the past few days.  Tomorrow is a mellow running day and I might add Swallow Cliff to the mix.  

I even had three kids and four adults tell me I looked nice in my dress.  Good stuff. 

I also faced my fear of going the Crap in the Box kit and taking it to UPS.   I can't change others but with the Lord he can change me. 

Thankful

 I am so thankful for all the times for God's protection.  I can't change others but God can help me be the best I can be.  And to see where my gifts are. 

More Winks

 Today was a series of more winks.  Bronson is continuing to learn to teach asl, Feda and I had some good girl time in the bathroom,  Nusaymah has been coming out of her shell,  Mya loving to kid around, Karlie and I enjoying lunch and even starting to figure out Nick with his outbursts.  Also I did a story   and had the students draw key parts.  Good things are happening.  I hope I get to keep my class. 

God is working in the hubs life.  Two situations where he thought others before himself. 

Winks from God

 Yesterday I got on my bike after a three year delay.  It was scary, I need to lower the seat, the tires need inflating, I fell off when I stopped but I did it with only sore muscles and a few bruises.

Today Mike helped me put some stuff in the car.  That was a first.

I had something that could of been a mess but I did not have to clean it up. 

I also got asked to be a leader for Elevation.  I am looking forward to learning about leadership and my relationship with God. 

Handling Anger

 I am so accepting of my flock at work.  Adults and the children but when I get home to the hubs I am less understanding.  Yesterday he got lost and we ended up getting to church late.  I told him to take 80 but he was determined to do things his own way.  We got home and things were not working smoothly.  Again I felt like I was with a temper tantrum child.  

I did not handle it well and stressed ate the rest of the time.  I can't change others but I can continue to ask God how to handle people.  Whether family or work.  

Breakthroughs

 I am so thankful for some breakthroughs today.  Two of my students who have been at odds become friends after many years.  I got a student who I am teaching to teach, growth and remembering Mr. Rogers with anger.  God is so good

Other people's stupid

 I had a series of irrating Stupids today.  I am learning life is not fair and I can choose how I identify others Stupids.  

Enjoy the moment

 I am learning to enjoy the moment.  We were walking outside and I wanted to skip to the next thing.  It was just that to enjoy the moment.  I was out running and wanted to plan my day.  Enjoy the moment.

Yesterday a parent brought in donuts.  It was so nice of her to do that.  I also enjoyed coffee.  I chose to enjoy the moment

Last I had a dream last night where I got to see Steven Furtick.  So many obstacles went in my way including stuff, heavy coat, uncomfortable shoes I could not walk in and really toxic people.  I woke up and realized the stuff I was stressing myself out was false.  Also when I talked to the person who was so mean I could not say anything negative only positive.  And when Pastor Steven and I suddenly met he prayed for me, I wanted to make it short and I guess it went for a while.  

I am thankful for things I can change like getting rid of the weight of stuff.  the expectations of what others think of me and stuff I can't control like someone being mean, unreasonable rules and someone getting upset for nothing I have down.  Thank you Lord for helping me be where I want to be.  

Planned Ignore

 I teach kids that at times have emotional or temper tantrums.  Some of it is legit but some of it is from behavior that was tolerated.  

Yesterday there were a few incidents where my staff was freaking out.  I chose planned ignore because I did not have the energy or the time to deal with it.

I am so tired of drama and dirty laundry.  It needs to go. 

Thank you Lord for your wisdom and guidance

Overcoming with Christ

 Yesterday I prepared for my marathon later this month.  I also went by the Lake where a former student's dad drowned and my last place of employment.  I can't change others but I can myself.  

Today worship went pretty well.  The Lord give me ideas to make it more fun.  One child noted that some kids were being rude.  I told her I did not care.  God is doing a work in me.

Drama

I am tired of drama.  Also I do things right and the rules change.  I am glad you are in charge Lord

I can say no

I am learning to say no.  I am not quiet quitting.   I can learn  to navigate with wrong and right and learn from my mistakes.