Scary Things to Brave

 It has been quite a week.  I went to a wake I was nervous about going to.  It was my boss.  Then today a new gyno.  Answers to my questions.  A possibility that I might be able to eventually enjoy sex.  A way I could avoid being in pain during an exam.  I am grateful.  I remember that if I was able to go through theses things I can do others.  Thanks Lord!

that explains a lot

Yesterday I  did lunch with Diane.  It is a blessing and I am glad I can do it.  Had a good walk today.  

Last week I was thinking about the certified meeting.  It was interesting because my co teacher came in all swearing and mad.  It explains why she does what she does. 

The war is over for a while, let them with stuff

 Mike and I had a nice anniversary dinner.  It was nice I enjoyed it and we had good conversation and food.  Yesterday the kids church was pretty good.  The kids enjoyed going in the inflatables.  The only frustration was that the pastor went over 45 minutes after he was supposed to stop.  It was hard watching the kids just sit there with their gifts.  And then putting on the inflatables again.  I cleaned mostly up and then left.  I was so angry.  We had so many kids and the pastor did not think of anything else except that he had a large crowd.  Of course it was large because the kids were getting free gifts.  And then we got stuck with the other church's traffic.  And the people in front were scared to go.  I was finally a bad Christian and honked.  I put up my hood so the person did not know who I was.  

I think back to the book Let them.  I let Adren preach too long.  I cannot control him but I can sure control that I am in kids church and not in the service.  Plus I know this is where I am supposed to be to minister to the future of the flock.  I can't change others but I can change myself. 

I can't change others with their behavior like at work but I can do things God's way  I choose to do that.

A Special Morning

 Today I got to spend most of the morning with one of rascals.  He worked hard for me and then we baked cookies.  He did so incredible.  Thank you Lord for giving me wisdom today.  I also got a letter about my fake religious statement.  What a time to send it right before break.  I have tried hard to not show my faith but it is pretty hard when God is shining in me.  

Every challenge is a growth opportunity

 Yesterday was quite the morning.  From not answering a parent's email, to meeting with my boss, to  a staff who smelled of weed it was quite the morning.  But it all worked out.  Thankful for that.  

Make a choice to enjoy your life

 

I really need wisdom.  I made a choice with my co-worker and the mom was pretty upset.  I don't want to upset the apple cart but there needs to be protection for all the other children with this situation.  In the midst of this I need to enjoy my life even though it is not fun at times.  Lord help me today as I deal with this parent and situation.

God's sense of humor

Today I got my car insurance taken care of.  I had to be a perk but it happened.  Today I gave my gifts.  Hardly acknowledged.  Complained about other stuff.  Glad I am not on the chopping g block today

The Obvious and Learning Lessons from Mistakes

 One of my students on the field trip has this thing about eloping, freaking out and when computers don't work to his satisfaction.  It can be something as simple as a setting, a pointer, or showing something on the smart board he does not like.  I pushed to have his mom on the trip and she says she can't go.  I wrote a letter stated that it was not safe for him and that he must stay back and the bosses pooed it.  Obviously the mom is not stupid and should go and my boss even though the letter was a wee bit harsh knows what I am saying is true.  But it is okay because I am going to make the best of it and just deal with it.  

Other than that it was a pretty good day.  The kids did alright and my lessons went okay.  

Thankful

 Yesterday was quiet.  It was a slow day.  I I am happy for slow cold days

Thankful for list

 I am thankful for the race yesterday and even though it was hard I finished.  I am thankful for a safe drive from the race.  I am thankful for keeping me safe on the drive and not getting hurt when I fell yesterday.  I am thankful for a great concert and a nice evening with Mike.  I am thankful for a quiet day at home. 

Most of all I am thankful for a relationship with God.  

I am also thankful for taking the time to listen to my husband and figuring him out.  For at work that the conspiracy theories they have show their true intelligence and that I don't have to make them happy.  

yesterday

I am grateful for tow easier days with two less kids.   I am happy for getting to be creative in my lessons and trying hard crafts.  I am thankful for a husband who loves me unconditionally.  Most of all the Lord who helps me everyday.   

I am flexible

I am kind

I am growing in the areas of people pleasing, keep others happy,  

I am a singer

I am a teacher 

I am smart

I have a quick mind

I am a proud slow runner

I am dependable

I am stubborn 

I do not give up easily

I am loved

I am trying new things

I am developing 

Most of all I am a child of God 

God Moves

 Yesterday I found out that my worst parent is leaving.  This morning I could not sleep and when I checked my email in the morning I found out she had sent me a nasty email at the same time I was having trouble sleeping.  

Then the toxic aide decided to quit and immediately she got sent to another school.  It is amazing how God works.

I am not looking for easy days or ones that I will be glorified but I see His hand at work.  When all the kids are basically hanging out with me for recess and leisure time.  

Yesterday was a good day.  No PDRs, no super behaviors and kids did what they usually do or should do.  

Thank you Lord for a good day!

God Made Me for This

 Yesterday I did the lesson in kids church.  Before I started a new kid came in.  I am not sure whether he is on the spectrum or anxiety.  But he found me and sat with me.  He had a hard time sitting still but I thought it was interesting he found me.  The lesson went well and I could feel the Lord helped me.  I am learning when I do things God's way it goes much better.  Thank you Lord for a good Sunday.

Meeting yesterday

 Yesterday I had a meeting with admin and my boss.  It was about having the rigor with a student and how I talked about church too much.  I actually sighed with relief because it was much better than expected.    I will not talk about my faith or do anything that is related to it.  Actually I am not surprised this has not happened sooner. 

Then about how I am teaching.  Which is fine because basically I have been given no direction.  I am getting weekly meetings with my boss.  That is fine which actually might help me.

As for the other things that make me nervous I need to say help Lord and stand back and watch the Lord work.

And the lies.  I am purposely going slower and pausing before I think.  

Thank you Lord for a job and not jumping to conclusions.

positive day

It looks like it was a good day.  Peace was in the room and I got lots done.  Thank you Lord for giving me a day of peace.   Help me in my meeting tomorrow 

Things to Look Forward to

 I have been making progress in the following areas.  I have been slowing down and waiting for attention from the kids.  I am working on slowing down with Math with only worrying about one child per group.  Also repetition is not bad either  or easy .  ELA I am starting read write  and handwriting without tears.  My Social Studies and Science are too bad.  I am working at creating thematic fun activities with my current curriculum.  I am doing CHAMPs

And I am doing some indoor recess activities.  

Yes I am meeting with admin tomorrow and I have no idea what will happen.  But I am staying tough and trusting in the Lord. 

too much

 Yesterday was sure a crazy one for the books.  First my boss was supposed to visit.  She only stepped for about five minutes in the classroom.  Then my co teacher spent basically the whole morning out of the room gabbing with admin.  She said she was going to talk about me.  And the lazy aides did not help at all and I had good but different activities for the kids.  Then my boss came in and basically it was story hour for our group.  I basically ignored her because it was just a waste of time and I had work to do.  In the midst of this I had to do stuff at the last minute for others who are basically having me do their work.  

It is hard to do the right thing when no one is looking. 

It is the weekend.  I am thankful for a break.  Thank you Lord for helping me

Christ in Chaos

 Yesterday it was a series of crazy.  But I am thankful that the Lord helped me stay calm.  First report cards.  What  a mess. Last minute stuff and I am thankful the Lord helped me.  Then students freaking out.  Again calm.  And today my boss is spending the day with us.  Lucky us.  I am going to be glad when 2:45 is here.  Hopefully no more crazy is coming.  But if and when it does I trust in God. Thanks Lord and help me to be calm, slow and positive.  

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES?

 Last week someone came in smelling like reefer.  No one else seemed to notice it and my sense of smell is terrible.  Yesterday I saw things,  no one else saw and I am seeing how misfortune, jealous, anger , not fair and anger are drugs I definitely need to avoid.  I choose to not be prideful with this.  I am grateful and I just have to leave this crap in the Lord's hands.  

My worth and value is not in my job but in what I am in Christ and what he has done for me.  

My teaching has gotten better, I was able to do scary things, and I am learning to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit.  

Thank you Lord for teaching me to do things right. Let me not look to the left or right and protect me from evil today.

Not give the Devil a Foothold

 Yesterday I did something I had not done in almost 35 years.  Please the bells at bell practice.  I don't know what came over me.  People pleasing or that I wanted to give something tough a shot but I helped with practice yesterday.  As I played (not perfect) I overcame my fear when I played the bells just 35 years ago.  I need to remember this when things get hard.  Remember how the Lord helped in the past and press on to the present.

Thank you Lord for providing me the strength to do hard things.  Let me remember this when work gets hard.  When it gets twisted. I can't change others but I can change with the annointing of God's help. 

a new beginning with death

I have been at one of my favorite places  sc.  I see even in death there is beauty.  I must die in order that new beginnings will begin in Christ

stand

Today I overcome report cards, progress reports, choir, lazy people and fi ally the fact I people making up stuff.  I lovethe song Stand. With the grace of God I know who I am

The rules that keep ever changing

 Today I got in trouble for checking on lies.   My principal called my admin and I got nailed for others lies I just hope I have a job and when I asked for feedback on my stuff I got called under the carpet.  I give up.  No matter what I do I get in trouble.

I pray for wisdom to not make mistakes.  That I can fly under the radar.  I can make it to Christmas and I give up on stuff. 

Grateful and lessons learned about my co teacher

 Yesterday was a better day.  Half the day the SW was gone and the whole day the lazy people were gone.  Funny thing was we actually got more done  

I also spoke out about a issue we were having.  I watched as my co teacher would not back me up in it at all.  It is sad to be constantly in an enviroment where people want you to fix things but when the rubber meets the road we can't get support.

That also is true for the admin.  We have a kid who is hitting and injuring others but they won't do anything about it and when I step in to appologize I get grief for the way I help handle it.

We just live in a crazy world.  I am learning a lot.  

People have a way to doing things and if I don't do them the way at the moment they want I am not supported.  

Staff can run their lives and no one has boundaries.

I guess it all comes down to we need to keep kids safe.  If they are doing things that are not keeping them safe I need to step in.

And despite all the stupid I can still enjoy my life.  

Blameless

 Today I found out my staff is talking about me.  Gossip is powerful.  I am trying to slow down and I feel like when I fix one problem just like the Whack a Mole another pops up.  Instead of being frustrated of what is fair I choose to slow down and fix stuff.  

And of course I will be applying to get out of here!

Accepting the unequal

Today I am just doing the best I can and frankly things keep on adding  up to unequal.   It is tough but I amtrying not to let it get the best of me.  I can't change stupid but I know God can.

Doing Hard Things

 I have been relying about how to do things that are hard.  I am busy working on a 5LL presentation for Nerudivergent learners. I am also talking about the phone thing with my staff Monday and actually assigning specific stuff on the kids.  As I go into recess I will be in charge of those who go behind the equipment and no more.  Time to work.  Less stress

I had a nice walk with my friend Spero.  I am excited about spending time and realizing my new stuff is good and that even though I am not the star that is perfectly okay.

A Good Day

 Yesterday was a good day.  I led two meetings and they went well.  I could feel the peace of Jesus as I released control and gave the Lord the situation.  Groups went okay too.  I also tried to interact more with my staff.  I even had some hard situations, manipulated some stuff that had been put off and dealt with some crazy.  I can't change others but I can change the situation with God's help. Thank you Lord for helping me with a good day.  Let me remember it when things go coo coo. 

Working for Average

 I looked over my eval today.  Lots of stuff.  Not all accurate but a lot.  I am working on five goals.  Better data collection, get attention before starting, using beh. program, slow down and use my crazy for good. I can't change others but I can with the help of the Holy Spirit myself. 

Shred

 Had my eval today.  Was totally shredded.  It made me such a wreck.  I will  work on them.  But I feel totally worthless right now

Pride

 I wonder why my life continues to be crazy.  I think it is because of pride.  I want things that are not neccessary God's timing.  I am learning that maybe one of the reasons my job changes is that the Lord is keeping me humble and trusting Him.  

Today is my eval.  May I be able to keep it together even if it stinks.  I believe God has brought me there for a reason.  Help me understand why. 

prayers, blessing and a beautiful day for a run

Today I lost my key fob.  But after prayer I found it. My couch got put together. I had some accidents on the way to turtle the race.  Despite my mistakes I got out of the mess basically.  Yesterday I found out I could retire in two or four years. And if I worked just a few hours a month I could collect ss too.  It is exciting to know that this basically will be the last year I am eval. And if I do more who cares. With God's help I hope to remain in CD but will keep my options open for Transition.   My nerves are basically shot but I have an end date.  That is good news I need to hear. 

I am doing better staying out of the drama.  It feels good to let go of stupid.

I am a but nervous with my eval.  I will get dinged on stuff.  I have decided to just be peaceful and accept what is given.  Try to do what they want me to do and journal on the stupid.  I cant change others but with the help of the Lord I can change myself

Smirks and Satisfactory

 This morning I found out that they are not replacing me for my job despite the fact I gave them literally three weeks notice.  It gets frustrating when I feel like I do the majority of the work and I hard get credit.  So guess what.  I am glad you get to see what happens when someone is there and the ship does not run because you filled the gaps.  

Also yesterday tech was not working.  I tried to fix stuff and instead of being praised for efficency I had to do a series of emails and told I needed to do that do it a certain way.

Also I was dinged for some really stupid stuff on a doc.  It was like they were looking for something.

And stating my feelings is not going to work.  They say stuff is animous but I noticed they discussed stuff I had stated either in a survey or stuff that happened at work.  So when I do any kind of surveys as far as I am concerned it is ALL FINE>

If I just make satifactory I will be satisfied.  After this year I will be off the hook for a few so I will just make it with whatever.  

I know I am doing the best I can.  I can't control others but I can pray about how to handle M with the changes in his behavior, D with diranged gradma, R with spitting and all the rest adventures. 

Not a Big Deal and Flexible

 Today the internet was not working.  I was pretty flexible with still having my meeting and also finding alternate ideas for activities when the internet was not working.  Then I had some help to figure out how to see a doc.  I can't change others but I can change me.  Thanks for being flexible and teaching how to do it Lord. 

The Opportunity to Not People Please and Not be Offended

 Today I had to make some hard decisions.  I could not worry about making others upset.  I just had to do the right thing.  Also I had several situations where I could of been offended with stupid stuff.  But I passed the test. 

Be Thank ful

 I was kind of being a pity partier and the Lord reminded me that I have a job, I get to do what I like to do, I have a good staff, good communite and get to use my talents everyday!

It is okay

 Yesterday I had some plans that did not go my way but I am learning that it is okay.  I am just rolling with the punches and despite my personal feelings toward it I am learning to accept.  I am learning that it is okay to sit on decisions, to not react to stuff and as much as it is possible stay out of gossip.  I can control what God puts in front of me but I can't control others. 

I messed up

 Today I made a mistake.  It was scary asking for help but I realized just like Peter almost drowned at least he took a chance.  I will continue to do that this year. 

Facing tough stuff, a break from crazy and more peaceful day

After the week of insanity I had some relief.  The parent who was a parent is leaving the school, I faced my fear with my sw who is lazy and the kids generally were calmer.  I can't change ohers but I can trust God with the answers 

Also I need to get away from the gossip cycle.  Yes there is stuff to discuss but I can't get into it with others.

Praying today is another peaceful day.

Back on the meds

 Ever since my new charge has started and when I went back to work after my illiness I have been sleeping poorly even on the weekends.  I made the decision to go back completely on the medication.  It has been quite a year and initially I was embarrassed to go back but I know after thought and lots of prayer it is the right decision.  If I were to stay at my former place I could of gone off the meds but not now.  

So I do not feel like a failure but I am proud of myself for taking the step to do what is best for myself, others and what will help me be a better person.

Also I am thinking of quitting kids church.  The last of structure, the absence of discipline and the typical annoyances of kids and parents have made me think my time is limited there.  I am praying about how to handle it.  I honestly don't want to go back to adult church.  There is so much chaos from the people who are unstable to the pastor who shares his personal feelings, beliefts, feelings, puts his foot in his mouth.  It is ia mess but I can't leave until my husband has another opportunity to use his music somewhere else.  I give it to you Lord.  I am not jumping.  I am praying for resolution.

I think about how so many things that frustrated me have worked out.  From poor management in work and church to things that frustrated me in the world are working out.  

Moving forward I will do what I am supposed to do, keep my mouth shut and just do what I need to do.  It is a lonely place but I know the less I say it clears the noise away and keeps me hearling the Lord. 

blessing i. disguise

I found out at the last minute I have a meeting.  So I got stuck behind some busses.  I kept my cool.  Then I went to the school and kept my cool with wait8ng and then wait8ng to find out for the meeting. So I enede up with extra driv8ng Starbucks, and then getting the meet8ng outside

blessings

I did not sleep well again last night.  I realized I am tr6ing to control things too much.  I trust in God and go beyond my comfort zone. Yesterday I conquered no help, foolishness,  two websites and two people not helping lord can't change others but the Lord controls how I can respond 

leader

I am learning that being  a leader even when the obvious is not so obvious. 

full moon maybe?

Yesterday was just plain weird.   It started with lesson in kids church going sideways.   Then the pastors quilted Mike into another service. Lack of structure in both services then this morning with the crazy call where the parent was calling me rascit and then maiden had say lies that I did not hear.   To the crazy with my admin picking out small details in my lap. 

Lean Unto the Lord

 I woke up Saturday at midnight and could barely walk.  My butt and leg were all messed up and I threw up all over the kitchen table.  I realized my body finally said enough stress.  You need to take it easy.  

I heard a fantastic message from Charles Stanley on love.  I need to quit trying on my own and just relying on the Lord more than ever before.  I guess the last few days had really stressed me out.  

My internal is not lying up with the external and frankly I am not sure how much more I can take.

I need the Lord's help to take the people pleasing away and just let things happen.  

Happy Things

 Today Mohammad gave me a hug unexpectantly.  And I was able to be flexible in so many ways.  Thanks Lord for helping me be aware of happy things. 

Final Straw

 I have been doing pretty good with no help on so many things in my new position.  Today though I kind of dropped the ball on a small detail.  My principal called me and told me that I needed to do things better and that I should do things right so I don't have a call from her.  Last week the vice iditot called me on the carpet for stupid stuff. 

I have had a least 20 things I have quietly tried to fix and did not send a call that they had not done wrong.  

I am deternmined to do things right this year but I will be making a lateral transfer.  Today was the final straw.

Attitude but Prayer

 Yesterday I did kids church.  My two charges showed up.  I kept them busy and personally they sat pretty well.  There were other kids being bad but I realized I could only do so much.  I also caught some kids causing problems and also trying to steal.  It just shows me I need to pray.  For for Pastor Michael and also for the kids.  I can't change others but I can change myself.  Also the charges were better behaved.  I am thankful. 

Need to Pray

 Yesterday I watched my husband's pastor preach.  He declared to the crowd his political officiation, what they should not be and frankly got super political.  I decided instead of having an attitude to pray.

Today I think my game went pretty well.  But the service I would say most of the kids were not listening and then new kids we had were trying to steal, cause havic.  I don't want to be profiling but these new kids we have been getting are really causing problems and PM can't really do anything about it because we are stepping on egg shells with them.

I again need to pray.

I could really let the situations give me a bad attitude toward Stone but I choose to let prayer be my aim. 

The opportunity of handling things better, doing somethings well and learning to let go of my ego

 Today was a mix of lots of different feelings.  First we were one staff short.  That always effects everyone and then still being down one person adds to it.  My assistant supervisor who loves to find stuff wrong with me just showed up with no warning etc.  I was engaged and fortunately I was able to pivot to the right things.  I watch myself and I see where the Lord has given me wisdom for this time in my life.  

I am starting to gel with Noah our MI kid, Ava my TBI and MI kid.  Then we had a sick kid and the parents refused to pick him up.  Finally after a call from the nurse they picked him up.  In the midst of it my staff was mad because they did not want to get sick.  Frankly I did not want to as well.

Then at the end of the day a parent was late.  They were mad I kept on texting them and did not appologize that they had arrived almost 45 minutes late.  And to top it off the kid who is normally pretty good was kind of bad and challenging me. 

Last night we had Reflect with EC and it was really good.  A very timely word   I am learning about the difference of what I am supposed to carry, what is not my responsibility and what the Lord will carry for me.  

I also joined a new E group and so we will see how that goes. 

The Challenge of Bouncing off you

 I am learning that when people attack me I need to differentiate whether the statement is valid.  Most of the time when it it not I need to just let stuff go.  It is difficult but I am learning

Making Bricks with No Straw

 I have been making bricks with no straw literally.  I have been doing testing with no help and basically figuring everything else with a back door.  

Also I am seeing that everyone is out to get each other.  I can't control others and how they go behind each others back but I can make sure I am not doing it.

Tomorrow is meeting number two. Such a waste on so many levels.  I hate meetings.  Then one on Friday. 

Learning from Being Overwhelmed

 Today it was a tough afternoon.  First I finally thought I had fixed the AIMS web problem.  Then we had the IEP meeting and at the end the LEA rep made me look really stupid.  All was well until the end of the day when I started testing one of the tough rascals.  She was really having a hard time and instead of respecting that the end of the day is not a good time for an unannoced visit I had to deal with a PDR and two statements of things I did wrong.  I stated I would not do those things again and admitted my faults.  Moving forward I will give responsibilities to others when it gets too hard and I will not ask for any help except for things that are absolutely necessary. 

Little VIctories

 It was another crazy day but also some good stuff.  I was able to control Ava today.  Noah was out of control but I kept my cool.  I worked with a student out of control.  And I had to do what I needed to do.

I had a nice day yesterday.  I did the race in three minutes later with more difficult conditions.

I was able to figure out the AIMs web testing.  I am truly blessed

Blessings Good and Preparation

 I am not sure what to title yesterday.  It was a mixure of different feelings. It was a tough day and there was lots of crazy.  First of all the SW and the BCBA did not know what they were doing.  The advice was just plain stupid and not at all what I know they are supposed to do.

I have two students with MI.  It is hard when they snap off instantly.  The one is physically threatening me, my class and my staff.   One student wants attention so desperately that they make bad choices so they get noticed.

I am trying with my student one to redirect and help her when she spazes out, the one student to ignore threats and the other praise him when he doing good.

The experts spent hours making a plan for the dangerous student.  They just sat back and wrote out a plan without any advice or direction from us.  The icing on the cake was when they one timer they set for the danger kid went off and they were so busy wasting their time on making this plan that they did not turn their own timer off.  And the funny thing is that the plan they spent hours was almost the same as the one I made in second ( All the Lord's doing) in five seconds.

Initially I was furious but then I remember I asked that the Lord would give US wisdom on how to handle this kid.  It does not matter who gets it but as I reflect on the plan I see where it was basically my idea and it is not important who gets the credit.

I also went to the Elevation Rhythm Concert last night.  It was so neat to see these young people worshipping.  What a blessing. I pray that I will remember what is worship and what is not.

Cheers to Positives

 Today I figured out my student Mohammad's sweet spot with music class.  DJ finally gelled to the chart and he found out that the joy of making his teacher happy.  I talked with a parent and I was able to not jump and just let nonsense fly.  

Today is Curriculum Night.  Always an adventure.

Of course

 Today I started the day with going to my building and getting ready for chaos.  Then I went into the meeting.  I felt like I am on a firing squad and looking for what I did wrong.  I kept my cool but I gave myself grace and just did what I needed to do. 

Then I got to school and the kids were just plain crazy.  I was so glad I got my breaks and the Lord gave me grace dealing with the students.  

My goal for this year is just to be average and that this will be the last eval I will have since next year I will be on the downward cycle for the end. 

not getting upset of stupid

I found out my plans and lunch are not covered.  The money will not be paid for my personal stuff.  I leave it with people 

More layers of crazy

 One of my students was really off the chain today.  He came in angry and the dad set him off before he went to school.  The parents are so out of control that they are bringing in his electronics so we can program them to be safe.  Something that parents could hide after hours with a dollar store lock.  

Then the SW was not there to help us and told us we were to find out if the student was safe by asking them how they wanted to die and what means they had to do so.  All of us refused.  

The BSBA was a complete moron and wanted me to drop the five in my class and attend to one crazy child still functuning in the dumb brain.  IT is sad when I am more calm than the educated BCBA.

We were two aides and one certified down and no one helped us.  I will keep my eyes and ears open for a new position at Transition Pod 2.  And I will be taking off some days in Nov. for sure. 

I am so tired of all the meetings with staff and not getting the answers or the help I need.  The answer is a form that is just sent into space.  

I am thankful I can keep my cool and that the Lord is with me. 

God is there and some doors closing

SAT. races was good.  There was some live music and great support.  Music at Godgiven moments. I was slower so it was disappointing that the course caused me to do the sidewalk.  Might be a race I do not do again but thankful that I am part of a group that does not leave a runner alone on the course.

Sun was pretty good.  I had a student reach out here hand during worship. With the Lords help my message went well.

Then I heard a message that went against my spirit.  But then this morning I heard a message that was sound. I leave this church in your hands.  It is not good for me. Help me in this growing time.

The Many Layers of Crazy

 Yesterday was just one bad day with lots of layers.  First I had a meeting with one of my bosses.  She felt insecure so she used that opportunity to make me feel bad.  I realized that immediately and then I did what I could to build her up even though it was me that figured out the situations. Then we had a group meeting and it was another huge disaster.  I had shared that our one person who is lazy needs more guidance.  Instead of talking with her pr.ivately they publically praised her.  It was nuts.  Then I found out more work I have to do and stuff that was someone else was put on me.  Then I was blamed for stuff that were lies. Also the kids were nuts in music.  It was like a spirit of crazy was in there and then the rest of the day was just nutso.  Finally the parent who talked behind my back lies and wanting unrealistic expectations was late picking up her granddaughter.

I am proud of myself though I realized the boss just did not like herself and I instead kept to facts and thanked her for ( nothing) Noted that in the futre I will not call her for help.  Also I asked for someone to help me and she refused.  

Then I figured it would happen but I was also told that I would not be reinbursed for my stuff I was told I could have.  Moving forward I will just expect I will not get paid. 

I complained to my mom and my husband and it  did not do anything for help.

Moving forward I will do what I need to do not to lessen my stress.  I will expect that I will be blamed for stuff that is not my fault.  I will not get the help I need.  People will get away with stuff and parents will talk behind my back.  

I can't control others but I can control myself. And as much as my ego is hurt I need to stick to the facts.  

And for next year I will be in prayer about how to handle situations including a position change.

Bad Decisions and letting things go

Today was just awful.  I had to sit in a meeting that could of been sent in an email.  The kids who desperately need structure came back after a four day weekend wild, my co teacher was freaking out with stuff that was not explained to me, they changed bus services on a few of my kids and then my boss came to visit and observe.  BUT with the grace of God I survived. Lord grant me and my other teachers wisdom.   Lord grant me peace 

Toxic Christians

 I was thinking of some of the people that I have interacted with in the past.  First I thought of the running groups I was a part of.  Then I thought of people initially I thought were safe and ended up being quite toxic.  I am thankful for learning and growing.  Now I am more smarter.   Thank you Lord for your eternal wisdom. 

enjoy where you are at

 Lately I have been convicted to enjoy where I am at.  Instead of getting frustrated, worrying about others opinions, and a Chris time table, things that are not my fault I have been focusing on what can I control and that God is going to give an answer in the way He sees fit.  And most of all He sees me doing all the things right.  

Yesterday I had to drop what I thought and let someone else get the answer.  I am also giving my mind rest and not worrying about how to solve the future.

God is in control and even though crazy has been given to me I can rely on God to have someone even not me control it. 

I gave this advice to mom.  Even though she is older the Lord is still using her with her relationships with other people.  I would love to be on a stage doing worship but frankly the stage that is available to me is not one I know that the Lord has me on.  I can't change others but I can let God change me. 

I look at all my wins.  I am positively impacting at least 4 out of my 6.  I am building a relationship with a kid that I thought would be such a problem.  My students are getting used to routine.  Good things are happening

Positives and Crazy

 Today was a full day with kids.  It was hard for them and the staff.  But the Lord is showing me how to balance my energy.  Also I am learning how to keep the teaching train going.  But at the end of the day I wore myself out with a kid who was just plum tired at the end of the day.  Wow was she tough and even with two teachers she could not be held down.  But I am done and home.  Thanks Lord for helping me 

Blessings

I am learning to ask more for help and say no.  I can't change others but I can change myself with God's help.  Today I had a donut that was amazing, got to run and walk despite the crazy weather, got a nice walk in and found out some things about my BCBA and that she is kind of cool.  

Both Sides

 Yesterday I finally took the plunge and faced my former runner friends.  It was interesting.  They were encouraging.  Not sure if it was a habit or just a slam to my slowness.  I am thankful for the years I paced but I see all the stress and trauma it caused me.  But as I reflect on this I realize the next time I see someone struggling instead of the typical encouragement just smile, say hi and pray for them.  

Last night Mike cooked super healthy.  It was so yummy and so nice.  I see where it was good for my body and my soul.  I slept so much better.  

As I reflect on tomorrow I am nervous.  But I have to remind myself I have had new before and I survived.  I am seeing though that I need to pace myself.  I can't change others but with the help of God I can change myself and my environment.   

More than a Chance

 I have been thinking about the things that have been a blessing to me.

First the race on Sunday was pretty hot but it all worked out.  I got two free race entries and initially I was bummed about the three times around but later realized it was a good thing because it allowed a hot day to be a safe day.  

Then yesterday it was more than a chance I ran into someone who had been a part of my past.  

I also did some crafts and also worked on school stuff.  

Last Three Days

 I started CPI training and the Lord convicted me that I can't look to the past but be ready for the future.  I also am seeing things I once wanted like opportunities and how the Lord is closing those doors.  

Also I was able to focus till the end on the CPI more than I had ever done.  I began to see how things were related.  Also I realized how poorly I was trained last year and how it was just assumed we would not need it.

When we were doing the training it was interesting how body orders were apparent.  Some of it was nervous sweat but others it was just plain stink.  

I think I like my new boss.  She seems pretty supportive of teachers and aides.  I like that.  Also I realized I have to step forward and do my thing instead of just dwell in the past.

I am also concerned about the difference between ministry and entertainment.  I like to be entertained but I am seeing that the direction some places are going are not my thing. 

Also changing my perspective.  I got an email about a former student with a teacher needing help.  Instead of being hurt for the fact that I was moved because of my ability I decided that I needed to make that teacher's success and that with my prayers she was put in the best situation possible.  I can't change others but I can change me. 

Keeping it Together

 Today I was in my third year of meetings for the cooperative.  I kept it pretty well together until afterwards when I plunged into a darkness and then just felt empty.

It hurts to put your soul into something and then it all disappears.  I can't change others but I can change me. 

A Different Perspective

 Saturday I was out running and I realized that I had forgotten to run for me and the Lord.  I realized that I had lost the joy and the pressure for performing for others was killing me.

Then Sunday I was doing kids church and I listened outside of worship.  It sounded pretty terrible and that Lord reminded me that I can do music, teaching and use all my gifts.

Last week I found out I was moving to another grade.  I accepted it but the reality is really sinking in.  I am so mad that the empire I worked on was for nothing.  I worked hard to keep my students learning, happy and behaved.  I worked so hard to keep them engaged.  I worked so hard to find the good in my staff.  I even tried to keep the peace with my bosses and other teachers.  

But just like that I was transferred.  It was not that I had done a bad job.  People begged to teach in my room.  Parents were happy and kids liked coming to school.  But like that I was switched to probably a tough situation.  I was ready for the year.  I was ready to hit the ground with a good foundation.  I had prayed and sought God's wisdom.  All for nothing.

So I have to start over again from scratch.  IT really sucks because I had the kinks worked out.  I had molded and shaped myself and the class to a good fit.

I asked someone to get together at church.  It was the second week in a row and they told me they were too busy.  

My sister in law has been wanting to get together and then puts off doing so.  I find out Mike's family is doing a funeral and we found out through FB.

Initially I was super bummed out.  What was wrong with me.  But then I decided that I needed to think about it a different way.

I can't choose if people don't get together with me.  I can't choose if people decide that I am not good enough for team.  I can't control wackiness of work and church.  I need to move forward and ask the Lord for his direction and that it is their loss and not mine.

God's Help

 Thursday was a blur of victories.  I am so blown away.  First the dentist, no cavities, then the DMV with the positive drivers experience, passing my test.  Then I got to school picked up my stuff and went to Diane's.  

Friday I went to the pool and had a good session in the water.  It was like I had not left and I had more energy than before.  

I also got my mandated training done.  

Also I am learning about being content of places or paths closed

I put so much effort on my pacing.  It stressed me.  I worked so hard.  It was not worth it.

I put so much effort in worship team.  Not worth it when I can do all my talents on Kids church.

Last I am seeing that doors closed are okay.  I am learning to be content.

don't fall into crazy

 It has been a crazy ride these past few days.  I got my car back, my husband accidently tried to get a old tv outside and ended of busting it all the way to the garbage can.  

Positives today

Saw five bunnies on my run

Yesterday I saw ducks and bunnies

Passed what should of been 6 hours of required training in less than an hour

Went to the dentist and had a clean bill of health

Got an appointment at the DNV

Ding the light went on and more blessings

 Today my rental car low tire went on again. I am so thankful I was able to get a donut put on until Monday. 

Also I was reflecting my the MSPig incident last Sunday and I realized I was better off than before.  In kids ministry I can do all my talents and I don't have to please other men or Msps. Last I am thankful for a pastor and husband who accept me as I am

Contentment

 I have been slowly weaning myself off my medication.  So far I am just a bit more edgy but I am feeling more alive and that is good.  I have been praying more and being less self centered and more God centered.  

Today I was out running and I realized what a cool neighborhood I live in and all the stuff that is right under my nose that is pretty neat.  

Also saw more bunnies.  That is  always a blessing.  

School is starting soon.  Generally I am this basket case but this year is quite different.  I am just taking each day one at a time. And if I get stressed I need to just let life be.

Thank you Lord for helping me be happy even in a bit of boredom.  

Scary Stuff

 Today I found out I might have the rental car till August1st.  Kind of scary but grateful for the car.  My tire was also low.  I figured out how to pump it up.  Hopefully it will stay at 35.  

I had a nice SC and tried out my new kicks.  Not sure if I am keeping them but it has been a journey.  

Thinking through for the fall.  I need to take each day at a time.  Also still weaning myself off the meds.  I need wisdom in all that. 

I can't change others but I can change me.

Blessings from Disasters

 Today I hit someone witth my car.  It was quite a dent but surprisingly it worked out.  I knew what to do.  Kept my cool, got the loaner car and the repair started within two hours.  I disappointed though I wish my hubby had been more supportive.

But I am learning that blessings can be handling things on my own, learning from my mistakes, and being grateful for the following things

The guy I hit was not upset.  He even appologized.  

The cop got there fast and did what she needed to do.

I was able to get in for my repair and got a rental car.  I was able to get my ring which I had been putting off checked.

I can't control others but when I rely on God things have a way of working themselves out.

Blessings

 Today I saw four bunnies outside.  The weather was nice.  I was able to hopefully have my glass problem fixed, got the candy I want for races.  Got a gift for my dad and a good message from Pastor Furtick.  

RESPECT

 Today I did kids church.  I am pleased to say that the kids were pretty engaged.  They had good input and seemed to get what I was saying.  I did notice though someone in my past that walked out when I was teaching.  It seemed to make him mad that a woman was teaching.  All I was doing is kids ministry which I essentially do six days a week.

I can't change others but I can change myself. 

Crazy, a beginning to an end, and blessings

 Today was a mixture of blessings and crazy.  First I had some blessings like SC, getting my glasses fixed, getting my pizza on, finding cheap crafts for the fall, and getting back to life.  I can't change others but I can change my perspective.

My sister in law called me again.  I think she is going to share my niece's alternative lifestyle.  But when I told her my availablity she stated she was going  on vacation and that it would have to wait till the end of the month.  It makes me so angry that after I have done all to be nice it just blasts again and again.  I give it to you God. 

Allowing whose in charge to be in charge

 I had a few situations where the younger helpers in kids church tried to take over in situations including mine.  I initially  was upset because I felt they were not being respectful.  Then I thought about a few times I tried to help Pastor Michael and instead was trying to take over.  

Having staff who actually want to work has been a game changer for me.  I am learning when to allow them to help me even if it is not how I would do it and then stepping up when I need to.

I am learning it is better I allow Pastor Michael to fail and also to let him deal with the situation the way he feels is best.  

I can't change others but I can change how I approach things.

Yesterday Mike announced to me that I needed to take his car in for repairs.  I don't have to wait but take it in.  Initially I was mad because it had been a problem that had been going on for months and I felt it was not fair that I had to clean up his mistake.  But then I thought about it.  Really it is not a big deal.  I am off and also able to help him out.  And actually there is tons of stuff I can do around here in the house.

Change of Plans, GO with the flow

 Yesterday we had a last minute change and ended up going on a field trip.  It was hot, muggy and most of my staff wore the wrong clothes. It might be my fault but it might not.  

My singing student really got loud.  When others were stressed so was she.  Everyone is offering ideas.  Good ones but none of them worked. 

I had some staff mad at me and others arguing.  It definitely was not the students.  I am realizing that I am still suffering from people pleasing

But last minute changes I learned what to do.  First of all I cannot change others.  If a student does not go on a trip I need to ask my staff to help me.  Second I need to allow my staff to error, drive each other crazy and help more.

I can't change others but I can change myself under the directions of the Holy Spirit. 

Crazy to Another Level

 I got to work today and I found out I was going to be on the same bus as a teacher who does not like me or at least one of my kids in the class.  I tried to see if she was not coming but she came late..  Also I tried to see if she could stay at school.  But my boss would not let her stay because she felt that that the others needed to deal with it.  So I put her on another bus.  It went well except at the end she was loud at the job and another student who was even louder yelled at her.  The teacher gave me several dirty looks.  I made sure was not on the bus coming home.  

After lunch the SW who is used to all kinds of behavior was bothered by the singing again.  The staff at lunch so I took her for a walk.  On the walk she got accidently loud by the mean teacher's room and the student yelled at her again.  Then I got the dirty look again.  The SW questioned me and I felt that I was under fire for trying to please everyone.

On top of that I made some errors with attendance since I was juggling the student, the mad teacher and trying to fix the problem.  

Last I had the muslim teacher cause havic at the job site and I had to break them up by my autistic teacher.  I told her several times to follow the rules of the place.  Then she decided that she wanted to take a 30 minute break instead of her 15 despite the fact she probly slept the whole way to and from the trip.  

I am thankful I survived.  

Moving forward I will speak with confidence when I have to deal with mean and stupid people and with my bosses I will try to fix problems without involving them.  Last I will make sure my attendance is correct and realize that I will not be able to please others all the time..

I Hear You...

 I am becoming more tolerant of people and stuff.  So thankful for God's provision and how he helps me with people who are unwilling to listen.   But sometimes it cracks me up when someone gets ticked off at the right time.

Jael

 I am learning that my life is kind of Jael.  In the Bible Judges is kind of a funky book.  Describles me so well.  I am learning that former experiences have shaped me into what I am supposed to be right now.  

I see where my life good and bad has helped me in understanding people, doing scary things and starting to accept myself.  I am not perfect but I am glad I am not where I used to be.  

Thank you Lord for making me a unique individual.

Connecting the dots and small prayers

 This weekend was a series of connecting the dots.  I realized with the music ministry that I was not supposed to be a part of something I did not agree with.

Second I was out at SC and the bugs were awful.  I thought about the small stuff I could pray about and instantly I had no bug issues.

Hard Stuff

 I am learning to confront people.  It is not easy but I am learning.  

My Fault, your fault

 I am learning a lot this summer.  So many things you get blamed for and actually it is not your fault.

Good fun this morning.  Beat my time by 3 minutes.  

Self Care, slowing down, enjoying the journey

 

Yesterday I had a good run.  I felt funny running into the former peeps but honestly I am glad I am not longer coaching for the marathon.  Mike and I went shopping and I finally got fitted at VS.  It was kind of depressing but I think instead of getting upset with the thirty pounds I need to lose but love myself right now where I am at and strive for better.

Comparison

 I have been dealing with non comparison a lot lately.  Today at SC was no exception.  I ran into someone from my past twenty years ago.  The school I left was such a failure time for me.  But in retrospect i realize how I needed to leave to appreciate what I now have.  

As I was leaving she was telling how she was just a newbie to climbing.  I know for a fact she has been doing it for a while.  

I can't change others and as I go into church where I could easily be a failure I look at all the opportunities I get in kids church and how it is a safe place. 

I even see with my oldest friend that things are not the same.  I decide to look at the positives like serving, knowing who I am in Christ and I realize that the most productive days are truly ahead.  

Critizing

 I talked to someone on the phone today.  They had been listening to various music and were quite critical.   

I was at work and it is never good enough for this and that.  But I make the choice to do my best and not worry about perfection.

I can't control others but with the Lord's help I can change me.    

popular, over compensation, mental health, in the right place at the right time

 Today we found out who won the gnome contest.  It is such a popularity contest.  Also I am seeing some people have to be all that just to over compensate,  I am thankful for protection on my way home with someone who got hit just moments before I got there.  Helping out my friend to get more business to someone who needed a handyman.  Bronson and I hung out and I figured out he was really struggling with attention and his parents who are overwhelmed with divorce.  

PTSD for the Win

 I have been pretty understanding of most children with trauma.  I look into my new student's eyes and I see so much darkness.  I look into my student who is constantly feeling stress all the time.  His eyes seem to understand I am a safe person.  I see where my teacher has PTSD and after having an attitude towards him I finally understand.

I think about the typing teacher who used to hit my hands when I looked at the keys, the mentally ill teacher who would not stand up for me, the teacher who used to torture us with his paddle on the wall.  The teacher who yell at me when I made a mistake.

I think about my five years at Illinois School with two principals in particular who would torment and belittle me.  My last year when they have me the hardest class in the district and my principal would not support me at all.

The year at MG with gaslighting and poor leadership.  Same things happen here but just not so difficult.  I am at the point of my teaching that I could retire if I needed to.

I look to a church that in the last seven years have not supported me and caused guilt as I started therapy and medication.

I am thankful that the Lord has helped me though all these challenges and I have stomped the Devil with getting payback in so many areas. I can do things afraid and am part of a place where I can make a difference everyday. 

Yesterday was a hard day

 Yesterday was a hard day.  It started with my husband basically throwing tantrums and then critcizing me on some things I did wrong.  He did later appologize and I told him I loved him.

Then I got to school, finished report cards and looked over my new student's IEP. 

Then my best aide told us she was leaving and my other aide did not come and did not say why even after several calls.

At the end of the day my one student who tantrums hit another student.  I had to call both parents and share the incident.  It was hard but I know I did okay.

I can't change others but I can pray and let God handle stuff.  

When I have days like this I realize that maybe going off my meds is not a good idea. 

Be invisible, Gaslighting, Learn from own and others mistakes

 The last few days I have finally figured it out.  I need to be invisible at all times. I need to not search for good jobs and just do what I do.

 I need to treat people with respect and think about how what I say will effect them.  I need to take people aside and just talk to them.  I need to honestly find what sparks someone's morale without giving them empty or junk to reward them.  

It is hard to be a boss.  Lord help me be a good one. 

Soft Quitting

 I did some work for summer school and instead of being praised I got called on the carpet for stuff that really is not a mistake.  I also had to deal with stupid negativity.  

I chose to not go overboard on stuff.  Offer a little as possible and just do my own thing as long as it does not hurt my students.  

I can't change others but I can me. 

Grateful 8

 Today was a lot of blessings.  I talked with the care team at Elevation and will be starting this in July.  Also it was a beautiful day for graduation and I had a lovely group to walk back with.  When we went to the baseball game we were one of the few with awuning and missed the rain.  Also I have slept well the past few days.  Tomorrow is a mellow running day and I might add Swallow Cliff to the mix.  

I even had three kids and four adults tell me I looked nice in my dress.  Good stuff. 

I also faced my fear of going the Crap in the Box kit and taking it to UPS.   I can't change others but with the Lord he can change me. 

Thankful

 I am so thankful for all the times for God's protection.  I can't change others but God can help me be the best I can be.  And to see where my gifts are. 

More Winks

 Today was a series of more winks.  Bronson is continuing to learn to teach asl, Feda and I had some good girl time in the bathroom,  Nusaymah has been coming out of her shell,  Mya loving to kid around, Karlie and I enjoying lunch and even starting to figure out Nick with his outbursts.  Also I did a story   and had the students draw key parts.  Good things are happening.  I hope I get to keep my class. 

God is working in the hubs life.  Two situations where he thought others before himself. 

Winks from God

 Yesterday I got on my bike after a three year delay.  It was scary, I need to lower the seat, the tires need inflating, I fell off when I stopped but I did it with only sore muscles and a few bruises.

Today Mike helped me put some stuff in the car.  That was a first.

I had something that could of been a mess but I did not have to clean it up. 

I also got asked to be a leader for Elevation.  I am looking forward to learning about leadership and my relationship with God. 

Handling Anger

 I am so accepting of my flock at work.  Adults and the children but when I get home to the hubs I am less understanding.  Yesterday he got lost and we ended up getting to church late.  I told him to take 80 but he was determined to do things his own way.  We got home and things were not working smoothly.  Again I felt like I was with a temper tantrum child.  

I did not handle it well and stressed ate the rest of the time.  I can't change others but I can continue to ask God how to handle people.  Whether family or work.  

Breakthroughs

 I am so thankful for some breakthroughs today.  Two of my students who have been at odds become friends after many years.  I got a student who I am teaching to teach, growth and remembering Mr. Rogers with anger.  God is so good

Other people's stupid

 I had a series of irrating Stupids today.  I am learning life is not fair and I can choose how I identify others Stupids.  

Enjoy the moment

 I am learning to enjoy the moment.  We were walking outside and I wanted to skip to the next thing.  It was just that to enjoy the moment.  I was out running and wanted to plan my day.  Enjoy the moment.

Yesterday a parent brought in donuts.  It was so nice of her to do that.  I also enjoyed coffee.  I chose to enjoy the moment

Last I had a dream last night where I got to see Steven Furtick.  So many obstacles went in my way including stuff, heavy coat, uncomfortable shoes I could not walk in and really toxic people.  I woke up and realized the stuff I was stressing myself out was false.  Also when I talked to the person who was so mean I could not say anything negative only positive.  And when Pastor Steven and I suddenly met he prayed for me, I wanted to make it short and I guess it went for a while.  

I am thankful for things I can change like getting rid of the weight of stuff.  the expectations of what others think of me and stuff I can't control like someone being mean, unreasonable rules and someone getting upset for nothing I have down.  Thank you Lord for helping me be where I want to be.  

Planned Ignore

 I teach kids that at times have emotional or temper tantrums.  Some of it is legit but some of it is from behavior that was tolerated.  

Yesterday there were a few incidents where my staff was freaking out.  I chose planned ignore because I did not have the energy or the time to deal with it.

I am so tired of drama and dirty laundry.  It needs to go. 

Thank you Lord for your wisdom and guidance

Overcoming with Christ

 Yesterday I prepared for my marathon later this month.  I also went by the Lake where a former student's dad drowned and my last place of employment.  I can't change others but I can myself.  

Today worship went pretty well.  The Lord give me ideas to make it more fun.  One child noted that some kids were being rude.  I told her I did not care.  God is doing a work in me.

Drama

I am tired of drama.  Also I do things right and the rules change.  I am glad you are in charge Lord

I can say no

I am learning to say no.  I am not quiet quitting.   I can learn  to navigate with wrong and right and learn from my mistakes. 

Doing things right

 I sold some pens today.  It was 18 dollars and a two dollar tip.  Same amount as the gift I  gave someone at a wake.  God provides and restores.

Things I can't change

 I am learning about dealing with stuff of things I can't change.  It is okay and sometimes I don't need to talk

God's call

 I am learning to be open to God's call.  Yesterday I paced a race.  I got to walk with some great people.  As I finished at the halfway point I met with a non verbal autistic young adult.  I put my hands in mine and I realized God has called me to the right places at the right time in sped.  But also that I need to step up my sign.  

I am grateful for the opportunties I have been given. 

Not my fault frustration

 I have been suffering from the it is not my fault syndrome.  To days off to making mistakes and I am blamed for the error and the foolishness of poor planning.  I can't others but I can change how I respond.  

Chaos

 I work really hard to have peace in our room but today someone came and caused total chaos.  I say later she was with something that was not her business.  I can't change others but I can myself. 

A Different Way

 I  had a nice Easter yesterday.  I had a nice dinner with my inlaws and a nice Easter with kids church.

I am really trying to not get frustrated with stuff and let time and God take over.  

I can't change others but with God's help I can change me. 

Deer Story

 Yesterday I was on a long run and several times I saw deer and their families.  It was a little frightning but super cool.  One deer just stood there and I noticed he was not afraid of anything.  He or she had several scars but just stood there straight and tough.  It kind of reflected upon my life.  I have had several battles in my lifetime but with the Lord I have been able to stay strong.  I just need to rely on him.

Also saw some bunnies, purple violets ( my second favorite) and after my event ran into several people I had known.  I can't change the past but under God's directions I can change the future.

I have been taypering off my meds.  I frankly don't recommend it but it has been okay.  I guess it is good to finally feel more and use that experience to make me more normal again.

Last my bloodwork came back and my test results.  I  need to watch my cholestrol, sodium, and calcium.  I can't change others but with Christ's help I can do it.

Last no prayer is dumb.  I fasted and I could not go to the bathroom.  I asked the Lord to help me pee and he did.  May I continue to remember the little and the trival. 

Absolutely Horrid Day

 When I returned to the classroom my Smartboard was locked.  I trouble shooted and my person who it happened under did as well.  The staff just sat their with  their 2 cents.  I know taking kids to jobs is hard but I am just trying to keep things going and deciding upon what is the worst fire and go from there.

Then I went home and called my mom.  Big mistake.  It just got me more riled.  I can't change others but I am seeing I need to pray more.

I have decided that if I don't get picked for summer school I am just going to stay home.  Glad today is the next day for the next four days.  I need it.

Nails on the Chalkboard

 Today I had so many situations with the nails on the chalkboard.  It makes me so mad.  Yes I am open to correction but people are so petty.   I need to see who I am in Christ.

Yesterday

 Yesterday I had a series of emails from one of my bosses.  I made mistakes and what should of been a little error she kept on emailing me over and over.  

Then I went to a meeting I was really dreading.  It surprisingly went well except for the OT who is not doing her job tried to call me on the carpet for stuff that she neglected by pointing out my mistakes.  That is fine because we always have the opportunity to grow.  But it is not worth me talking about her not doing hers.  So glad this year is almost over. 

Not my fault

 Today was a meeting I was really dreading.  Instead it went well except for the person who has not been doing what is right suddenly is all up in my face.  I can't change others but I can change myself.  But the meeting is over and I can finally relax.

Surprise

 Yesterday was a series of surprises.  I ended up having a very good sub and it was a good day.  I am so thankful for the good things. It makes the bad not so bad.  

I have been waking up quite stressed.  I had good sleep but initially when I get up I feel like there is no medicine in my body.  I am still praying about whether I should go off the medicine.  Hard decisions.

Not Afraid of Making a Mistake

 The last couple of days I have been the victim of no my fault but getting blamed.  I have to just let it go.

God Miracle

 Today I had two evals to do.  Neither one I am really happy about.  One is pretty good and the other is someone who should be let go.  Also did I mention I had a plan for a kid who will not follow it as he graduates.  But I am doing the best I can do and realizing my limits.  

Thanks Lord for helping me get through this. 

Back on the WW wagon

 Yes, I am finally setting the gauntlet down and getting back on the WW.  Also I am toying with getting off meds but that will be after my half.  I believe that maybe I really don't need it and it is time to handle things with just the Lord and me.  

I also realized something.  So many times I try to do things on my own and I am learning right now with the music my motives kind of stink.  I thought I was so unselfish and that is not true. 

Best of Both Worlds

 I have been noticing lately that I have had the best of both worlds from my running trails, my job assignments and working on positive changes.  I can't change others but I can change myself. 

Peace this week

 It has been a fairly peaceful week.  I am thankful for the peace and quiet and good quality sleep.  I try to tell my husband and he does not care and changes the subject.

I wonder how I can work through this with Mike being home now.  

I am so thankful for this week.  It started rough with people at church being jerks but then the games I did at work for the party went really well.  I am really getting to use my creativity to make a positive difference in others lives.  I see where so much I learned in the past is helping me now. Most of all I am grateful to the Lord for helping me do things right. 

Next week is break.  I need to find things to do during the day and keep busy. I can't change others but I can myself. 

Happy Spring with Snow

 I am thankful for yesterday.  First a child apologized on her own, another said they loved me.  We were kept protected from the store and my car was in the garage.  I am farther along on the report cards than usual.  My students did pretty art, worked through the Boom Learning and talked about hygiene.  I have enjoyed this week off without the hubs but looking forward to seeing him again.  Last I had a good discussion with my Egroup.   God is good. 

Good Day

 I am thankful for a good run.  I am seeing that I need to train so I can accomplish fitness for me.  I am thankful for fun projects, kids being themselves and a lunch I did not have to fix. I am grateful for finding things I need for free, sunny days and a fun students. 

I am thankful

 I am thankful for not hitting the garage today, having  a student come at the right time,  helpful staff, a fun day, getting things done and a short brisk walk.  

Childrens Church

This Sunday has been a hot mess in a lot of ways.  First of all PM barely take a pic of him.  Then Holly was ignoring me.  I walked away and spent time with a lot of selfish kids.  Then last as I was cleaning up I asked to borrow something and PM said it was for the kids again.  Also I felt like I was being yelled at like a servant by Holly and PM.  The kids are so ungrateful and they seem to like everyone else than me.  Am I getting too old for kids church.  I would not want to go to regular church. 

I will bide my time until finally Mike wants to leave. 

Highs and Lows

 Today I figured out what helps people choose songs faster.  It was stressful at times and then time to smile with laundry skills.  I can't control others but I can control myself.  And I can help myself and God will take care of the rest. 

Blessings in an unexpected way

 Today my student freaked out and the Lord showed me how to handle them, both bunnies went home on their own, found my ear buds, found some inspiration songs, was able to be flexible and good weather. And my sister answered my text twice. 

Ratings, Melissa, Josh, Estrada, Age

 I gave my ratings to my staff.  I gave excellent to all because I was free of icky teachers.  Most of them deserved it and I rated on ability and strengths.   I got mine.  A lot lower and one thing I got nailed on was ligit a weakness and the other was not fair.  I was accused of being racist and my evaluations were based on small visits that were sparatic over the year.  As a whole not fair.  Then I have the drama of people who are essentially toxic and energy eaters.  I am praying how to assist them or praying that the spirit of God will touch them.

It has been a busy week as a whole and productive.  I am seeing my groove and changing as things need to be changed.  I can't change others but I can myself. 

Power and Garage Door Saga

 The power went out this morning.  Fortunately it went back on  at 5.  Mike and I were struggling getting the garage door opening and even with past experiences of using the manual opener and looking at how to videos it would not open.  I offered my car, I asked that maybe he wait until the power goes back on.  Finally we prayed and the Lord allowed the power to go back on.  Because I run we were able to see because of the running lamps I have.  Little blessings

I am thankful for being in a family that problem solved.  Thank you Lord for giving me the wisdom to handle the situation.   I can't change how others react to a challenging situation but I can' ask the Lord to give me wisdom.  

It's not about me it's about Him.  

Pat Part 2

 I have been reflecting upon how I should of handled Pat.  I realized after I did a view like a drone would that I was not the only one she was isolating.  Maid of honor not at a table of honor, second class relatives sat somewhere else.  Actually the people around me were quite friendly and nice.  I can't change the past of the Chapan family but I can think about how I will handle the situation next time.  And last of all my hubby and I saved about 100 bucks because the food was disappointing.  

So bye Pat. And I am done with comparison, feeling put off,etc. 

Under the watchful eye of Aunt Pat

 I am so glad I am done with the crazy shower.  First of all I arrived and I really felt like the odd man out.  Then I was constantly watched by Aunt Pat  She told me where to sit and monitored my candy bag, mentioned several times about my late FIL how her brother gave to him.  Then when I left she was hurt that I left so early.  I am so glad we are NOT going to the wedding.  I see endings and glad I will not be a part of it.

Gossip, Slowing Down, Seasons for Purpose

 

Lately the Lord has been dealing with me to accept seasons, what other people thing of me and slowing down.  It is not easy but I am learning

Sensitivity

 I have been challenged to listen more to the HS than watch stupid TV.  When I gave over to the Lord it is amazing the revelation I get.

Sunday I am not sure if I missed an opportunity or not.  I need to walk in , hold my head up high and remember I am a child of God. 

Yesterday I saw the hand of God with the situation of the heater, of ideas for a a project I am working on, the visit from our exterminator I did not know about, getting in for a hair appointment and seeing that I need to be not bitter but thankful when I am able to figure something out.

May I walk in that today. 

People Jonathon McReynolds

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=people+jonathan+mcreynolds&mid=D63F57C7A5EE65D923C9D63F57C7A5EE65D923C9&mcid=35DB27AD64474912A711839B830E1485&FORM=VIRE

Flash

 This morning I woke up and called my mom.  I suddently realized that I unfairly base my worth on my mom, what my dad wants and try to put that on my bosses, pastor and my husband.  I give it to you.

I have been delievered lately from so much garbage.  Comparison, what people think of me, accept criticism.  

I agree that sometimes I need to put it on a shelf and ask the Lord for help. 

My disappoint with my church the pastor is valid but I can't change what my husband thinks and what other people say to my husband.   

God Problems

 It has been quite the week.  I had to sit through an IEP meeting where the mom berated me the entire meeting.  And all the meetings I had with mom. Wow!  It was totally crazy.  And then I walked into my bosses office and they decided to pull the child out of my room.  Wow!

I am learning that if people talk behind my back it is okay.  Between the change with Sol leaving and change of staff it is hard.  But I am thankful to say I am learning.

It has been a lesson where I learned that some problems I need to leave in God's hands.  

And instead of wishing unwell for Sol's new teacher I pray that it will be successful.  And if it is great and if not who cares.  

HELP

 Yesterday started and ended rough.  I found out lots of people are talking against me.  People are listening to drama.  My problem parent tried to catch me not doing what I promised her to do.  My staff wanted something at the last minute.  The kids were doing something new and it was hard for them.  But I am learning to ask for HELP from the Lord.  I can't fix most things but God can.  I just need to ask and then do the next best thing. 

Highs and Lows

 Today was cultural day.  As a whole it went well.  The kids were focused and the room looked absolutely great.  It did start off rough with a parent trying to catch me in my wording, a former aide trying to get me to buy back her shirt and someone wanting the impossible right before the event.  

It is hard to have people talk behind my back.  But I know I am innocent and not racist.  Of course when things are getting better things get crazy.  

I am glad that I am not judged on myself.  I trust you Lord that things will get better. 

Difference of presence

 Yesterday was the first day of no Estrada and Stokes.  It was amazing.  I was so impressed how well it went.  Then last night Mike had the church meeting.  It was crazy.  I had trouble sleeping.  I can't put my finger on it but it is amazing how things can change with presence.  I am not saying people are evil but I need to pray for stuff that is uneasy such as last night with the meeting and yesterday with the new aide and also with the a student who was having trouble.  I can't change myself but I can change the situation.

Just Stand

 

Post covid we live in a world where people like to blame others for their own faults.  As a former people pleaser I am not able to address this yet.  But when someone talks behind my back and spreads lies it really hurts.  

Today I found out that Sandra is leaving my class.  It is going to be crazy with the new aide and my problem parent is not going to be happy.  But unfortunately the damage is beyond repair.

I am keeping this news to myself and mostly I can.  It still hurts but all I can do is to stand.

Last as I was leaving  Donna brought to my attention some stuff with another aide.  I need to address doing wordfinds, personal work and phones.  It is just a respect issue and I am tired of being the adult in the room all the time.

Donna is a nice person but likes to stick her hand in stuff.  It is hard but she is also toxic. 

There are so many other things I need to deal with.

I am thankful for this change.  It is a battle I cannot fight without the Lord.  Shanita who was super lazy is also out for a while. 

I cant change others but God is in charge. 

Last I hve been struggling with my eating.  I eat crap because I am stressed out.  It is time to Just Stand. 

Separate Compartments

 Yesterday I was summoned to the office.  Sol's mom is hearing garbage from the toxic aide.  I think moving forward I will just have conversations with the aide in private and email her private.  If I need a moment I will just go to the bathroom or find a spot and scream.  

Bosses have to be impartial and it is hard.  Also the job my bosses do is impossible.  I choose to not let people control me and just ask you Lord for help a lot. 

Facts not Feelings

Today I am with a situation with lots of emotions today.  It is about Facts not Feelings.  

Glad God is not a Genie

 I have been reflecting lately on things I wanted that I did not get from God.  One was particular jobs like floating teacher, subject teacher and a presenter.  I see that these would not have been good jobs for me  nor is the respect there for those positions.  I am also thankful for not getting things I wanted in the church such as music, pastor and in charge of stuff.  

I am thankful for what He has given me.  A decent staff, the wisdom to fix stupid stuff, a good husband, good parents and wonderful pets.  I am able to use my gifts and talents in my work and in my ministry.  

Thank you Lord for not giving me the stuff I wanted but the stuff I needed at just the right time. 

G8 before 8

 Today it snowed unexpectantly.  I am grateful for clear roads, getting to work quickly, snow shoveled, students who shared their pets, a productive day before 8 and help get a lot done.  Learning about the importance of people not getting stars for stupid, and getting to be creative.  

Forgive

 Yesterday was a tough day.  I felt like I was ignored and when I did my creativity it was slammed.  Today I shared a song with my mom and she critiqued it.  

I had a good call with the mom I was supposed to talk to today.  It was good.  

I also worked with a child who was having a meltdown at the store.  God gave me wisdom.

Last my elective was approved for puppets and got a good handle on my cultural day.

Still need wisdom with lazy and toxic aides, liers and mean parents.  I can't change them but I can change myself. 

Be Kind

 It is easy to be kind to nice people but it is a challenge to be nice to people who don't have the best intentions.  This week my one aide was absent two out of the five days and the lazy aide was gone all week.  I choose to be nice even though it is not comfortable.

I have been setting new goals.  Some have been great such as my creativity goal, Christ Control.  But the food goal is such a stronghold.  I guess even with my medication my heart is still struggling finding rest.  

Well off to the gym.  Tomorrow I do the music for kids church and the Bible verse using my puppet.  Good things