Its okay not knowing all the reasons why

I have been feeling like I am in a transition time.  I am not coaching marathon training this summer.  I should of not for the past couple of years but there was this part of me that just could not give it up.  The signs were there that I was finding joy in it.  The people who did not appreciate my hard work.  People putting me down.  

Children's church and I feel like I am in the outside looking in.  For the past few years I felt like i had found my niche with games, music, sped etc.  But something happened these last few months.  I can't put my finger on it but it is not the same anymore.   I am learning I don't have to fix everything.  I just pray and ask God how to handle a tough situation.  

Then my regular job.  My boss telling me that I should not be a teacher essentially.  I have been doing this for the past thirty one years.   I watch people getting away with stuff and I can't even breathe without getting  in trouble or walking on egg shells even time I see my principal.  

And my part time position.  Out of the blue I am not supervising and just staffing.  Then today my supervisor wimps out and I don't even get asked for my old position.  One person is gone and they don't find a replacement.  I see how dangerous this job is getting and I realize it is not worth the money, stress on my body and I just wonder why.  I am glad I am not there for only three more weeks.  

I just know that I am in the midst of a transition and I am not sure where I am headed but I know I need to stay close and things will eventually work out. 

Where am i supposed to go.  I leave it in your hands.

Now I know the Reason Why

 

Recently in my second job i was demoted from supervisor to staff.  It really made me upset and I shared my concerns with the boss.  The first week I saw that the position was going to be a challenging with the possibility that it could end of being a big mess.  I held on to a lot of anger as others found out about the demotion which was totally financial.

Fast forward to this week.  All was well and I even realized that God was protecting me and guiding my direction.  As we finished our session suddenly one participant became self harming and ended up injuring one of the staff.  

Everyone was pretty emotional and I am kind of numb toward the situation.  I prayed for the people but I am mostly relived that I was not in charge this week.

I also realized that it was not worth my stressing out with this job.  I don't need to go to a job where I could be injured and paid a little more than minimum wage. 

God is changing me.  I am so thankful I started on this journey of healing and dealing with my PTSD.  Healing is can be active recovery.

I am mad

 Today I am mad.  On Wednesday I found out that to save a few bucks my second job is taking away my supervisor role.  Fifteen years and this happens.  

I pray about this and I look at this as a opportunity to spend my energies in something else.  They thought I would just take it.  Nope they lost me.  There is something else for me. 

I am mad at my pastor.  He talks about mental health but when I really needed him he was not there at all.  I asked for advice for medicine and he did not help me at all.

He can't help me God says.  I need to trust the Lord to work stuff out. 

I am upset with the childres pastor.  I see that the kids are bonkers and no one seems to ntoice.  I put down my foot and kind of make a big stink about it.

I look at this situation and use it as an opportunity to make my life more calmer with just focusing on what I can do and allowing another person to do what they should do.  The situation where I did not do worship for a few weeks I will ask about it next time. 

My sister in law and brother in law get a extra ticket.  I am sure my husband is their second, third choice but they don't have a ticket for me to see my niece.  Frankly 90 percent of me is glad but it just angers me that again I am treated like a second class citizen. 

They probably had someone else they were going to invite but that person backed out as usual.  I do let them know I know I don't like how I am treated.  How sad they have not learned over many years how to treat people and internally I see chaos all over the place.  

I am mad at my employer because I spend most days trying to walk the path of least resistance with no support.  I don't know daily if I will get yelled at, greeted or ignored.  I am so lookinng forward to getting out of there.

I look at this situation and I am grateful that finally I am getting some help to deal with this situation.  I have  seen other people frustrated and not treated nice either.  Eventually it will catch up with her.  I just need to pray for those effected and learn how to act as a supervisor.  I don't want to be one but I can in my little sphere of influence be one that is different.

I ai know things could be worse but it still makes me mad.  Lord help me to forgive with my brain even if the heart does not follow  immediately.   

I use these situations as a way to grow.  I can't change others but I can change myself.

New Medicine, confronting unfair situations, supporting self and spouse and lack of support

 It has been quite a week.  I started on some new medicine for my anxiety and it has made a difference.  I am able to pause and deal with difficult decisions much better than I have before.I have been ears to quite a few situation where I heard that my boss was not doing her job.  My vice principal is also not dealing with situations.  Instead of getting angry I see God has shown me that I am not the only person upset about the undealt situation.  I also had a face to face meeting with sped telling them I wanted to see the progress of me coming back.  Looks like I will be doing my old position.   I found out this week that after supervising a position they have decided to give my position away to save money.  I am still angry about it but proud because I was able to call the person, face the situation and state my feelings respectfully, but stand up to a really bad decision.  I finally told the person in charge of a group I am a part of I will not be doing it again. My volunteer position was absolutely terrible Sunday.  This was due to lack of help from consistent volunteers, additional students and children who do not have proper parent disicipline.  I was so stressed out that Sunday praying and trying to fix things.  I even took things in my own hands and dealt with a long overdue situation.  I prayed about it, talked to my mom and she suggested that I confront the leader and tell him we needed more help.  He said he would try.  I was quite firm in my position.  I have decided moving forward I would change what I could, minister to my sped tribe but the leader would have to step it up since I am not in charge.  I have made some changes in my classroom and after my other teacher has been put in other positions I have been finally able to take back control of my room and make some tough decisons but negative and positive.  I am able to realize that difficult parents are just parents upset that they don't have control of their kids.  I found out today I probably am moving classrooms again to a better school, terrible vice principal but good principal.  I am making changes to my personal life like walking   It has been quite a week but there are only 55 more of those to go for the school year.  

Thrown away Doorbells, missing orders, wrong earrings, angry husbands and bosses, not dealing with issues bosses

 

I am so down.  I am so frustrated.  Today someone I think threw away the doorbell.  I could of with my frustration of things left on the floor and I threw away my own classroom doorbell.  I have two students one who likes to push the teacher and the other who only used negative attention to get adults attention.  Three more that pushed my buttons with their ADHD and ended up in a corner.  I can't ask for help from my bosses and when I get reports of them not doing their jobs they won't deal with it.

Then my husband gets a call from his boss when he is trying to do the right thing.  His boss who he has bent down backwards is yelling at him.  My husband wants him to quit.  I want him to get another job.

My second job where I have done my best   takes my supervisory position and gives it to someone else.  All for the sake of saving money.  I don't say dumb things but I show them I am upset and the consequences of their choices.

My volunteer activity is getting less enjoyable.  The kids are starting to really push me and won't listen.  It is not fun anymore.  I tell my pastor we want help and all he gets is someone who will volunteer once a month.

This church is such a mess.  I listen to a pastor who goes off on rants and does not make a lot of sense when he preaches.  I watch people I don't dare tell anything to still be there. I wish we went somewhere else.

I am staring to take control of my mental health by changing my medication.  That is a struggle as my body and emtions adjust to the changes and the side effects of going on and getting off medication.

I complain too much to my mom and husband.  She has had enough.  He has had enough.

Please God do something.  Let me find a healthy position in a unhealthy environment.

Who I am as a teacher

 Who Am I as teacher

CC

Christina Chapan

Wed 3/2/2022 4:04 AM

To:

•  You

I am a follower of Christ.  I am pretty fast to do what he wants me to do.

I am a diserner.  

I know when something is not right and if it is in my sphere of influence I quickly change it.

I am willing to wait for the real thing instead of cubic zirconia

I am a trier.  When something does not work I change it. 

I am a resourcer.  I surround myself with people and ideas that will help me and others.

I am a flexible.  When something does not work I change it or find where I can change it.  I am quickly blessed when something is not my style or way.  I am learning to walk away from frivolous and foolish things.

I am a singer.  Even ordinary academic songs can be annointed and change the absomousphere.

I am a mover.  I move to change others, help them change their lives and connect concepts that cannnot be changed any other way.

I am a child of God.  Imperfect but I know God has a plan for me anyway. 

Ups and Downs of Transition

 I have been really trying to do my best during my time of transition.  I try so hard to be kind, thoughtful, firm methodically and then something happens and my good job is torched to the ground.  Today at at work had to give a greeting to my boss.  Then out of all the things she could of said she used my kinders as the blabber mouths.  This is crazy.

Today I was told I needed to talk to a principal.  She was too busy to deal with an unhappy parent and some real foolishness in class.  

I know I do a good job.  I am different than most teachers.  I generally don't lose my cool but through the heavy duty of kids not parented from their kids, probably a lot of undignosed sped parents, I am doing the absolute I can.  

Today I did get a dropbox load of great music today.  I know God sees.