Gaslighting and Good Things

 Today was a day of mixed blessings.  FIrst of all I had my boss come by two times and tell you how fabulous the class is going without your help.  Second I had person after person tell me that they were seeing what was going on and did not agree with the situation.  Vindication!!!!

I got to use my WBT a lot today.  What a blessing.  I took off another day for a personal day.  So now I am down to only 6 Fridays this year.  So grateful.  

Thank you Lord for having me live through the storm.  I give it all to You.

Blessings from Feb. 27

 I am thankful for the following things yesterday.  I made it to and from school even with someone who could of hit me.  The time I got to work in another person's class and get my sea legs working again and remembering I am a good flexible teacher.  I got hugs from the kids who were able to give them to me.  Ava did not plop when I took her to the bathroom.  I had a peaceful lunch.  I got some reading and some stuff  done.  I did not have the pressure of negativity in my room.  Despite my hurt feelings from boss and sped staff I am thankful that I can rise above all things.  Much of my curriculum was used.  And the fact I can take 4 days off before the end of school. 

Gaslighting, Redemption, and Reverse Raism

 Today was quite the adventure.  First of all I was really nervous about work.  I went into my job and yes the classroom had changed but I also noticed that a lot of my stuff was being used.  The teacher showed up an hour late, spent fifteen minutes after her lunch break, left half an hour early and basically ignored me the whole day.  The last hour of the day she basically talked to her teachers and I was left supervising  sensory.  She also did not let me pass out what we are supposed to do for snack and only gave them one choice.

I spent an hour in the older  sped room.  It was really cool going from kid to kid and helping them out.  I even used some strategies with this one girl that only seems to get yelled at and gets nervous and makes mistakes.  Frankly I see a lot of kid me in her.  

Then lunch was okay.  No one announced when they were leaving except to go to the bathroom.

As I left my boss asked me about my day.  I said great and she told me that she was very happy with what is going on in the room and that it is supposed to stay that way.  Nice instead of how are you doing because I forced you to take a medical leave.

After work I stayed with the kinders  teachers and we discussed my incident.  The two teachers I feel are my friends were super supportive and stood up for me.  Lots of gossip went on around me.  I still don't trust the one but grateful they stood up for me.  The sped I liked even felt that the situation was not fair and accurately descriped.  I am glad I wrote the real truth.

As I reflect on the day I feel really not as tired and stressed but I am also sad.  In my anger I took off 4 days instead of 1 for sick days for doctors' appointments.  I may also take a vacation day or two.

Sped came in and they were bragging to the new teacher they were finally getting her curriculum.  Boy did that make me mad because I have made and spent so much in my room.  No one seemed to notice how well stocked my room was.  Frankly I think they expected to have the same way as the year progressed on. Boy will they be surprised when there is no more paper towels, plates and other supplies. 

It hurts but I just need to keep my head up, ask the Lord to have the face I need to have and frankly enjoy the break.  Help me to be kind and learn what I can from her.  I am not alone.  As I wind down for the day I am hurting but more peaceful than usual.  

Demotion can be less commotion

 I have tried to have a good attitude with this situation.  I have tried to do my best and then some but I am looking at this thing at least publicly for now as a situation that is less commotion in my soul.  No matter how I am treated, talked about and questioned.  I choose to keep my mouth shut.

The people who really matter

 I got an email from the WBT guru and he told me he was so angry this situation happened.  I got a few emails about wanting me to interview with them like Elim and St. Collettas.

I played a trick on my parents.  I pretended to dye my hair crazy colors.  It wan actually a photo changer on Instagram.  My parents did not think it was funny and my mom gave me a lecture on how to act when I returned and said I needed to behave myself because at almost 56 years old I need to be a good pastor's kid.  I rebuttled and told her that I did not have to act any specific way and that they were not responsible for my behavior.

I realized my parents can't take jokes and I can't worry about what they think of me.  Well at least I won't jump out any windows any more.

I am getting in touch with psycologists who can dignose me for ADHD.  I believe what the OT and my hubby said was partially true but frankly my problem is anxiety and PTSD.  I have applied to two jobs and also four job hunting communities.  Glad I am able to do something in this insanity.

Human

 

Yesterday I had a good talk with one of my mentors Barb.  She is in no way perfect and I don't agree with her on everything but she has a lot of good wisdom and godly advice.  

I found out that I am coming back to Arcadia and there is a co teacher who supposedly got all my problems fixed and that she did everything I was told to do.  

Part of me is glad because I don't have to be in charge and I was in a impossible situation with my aides etc.

My husband said I had been failed by my admin, aides, etc.  

I am grateful that I don't have to be in charge but my pride wants me to scream that it is not fair.  I also wonder if this is God's way of protecting me and that He is teaching me to transition to the position I will have when I retire.

I also wonder if I am doing too much and my body is telling me it is time to take a break.

I pray for success for this situation, that my pride will be left on the shelf and that I can do what is put in front of me.

But it still hurts. 

Boundaries

 I have recently listened to a message on Boundaries.  I have been realizing that I need this in my life.  After this forced medical leave I am having an opportunity to step back and examine this situation.  I am learning that there needs to be needed boundaries in the conversations I have with people and that even though I am scared when I go back that I need to project a feeling of confidence.  Not the one that is fake but one that at the right time the Holy Spirit will give me.  Second when I need to speak up I am going to not speak with the words of Chris but of God.  But lastly it still really freaks me out.  Lord have your way. 

I am gathering the data that states when the heat in my room was fixed.  That the lock was never fixed and that despite it being enabled to my admin it was never addressed.  I am tired of all the lies and anyone else not involved in this situation has basically been supportive of me and the stupidity of this situation.  

I am grateful that finally Jesus said enough of torturing my child.  I am protecting you from something more harmful such as accidently harming someone or myself.  Lord have your way.  I still pray for peace in this situation that somehow I can win over my aides and my boss to be peaceful with me but I know the likelyhood of that happening probably won't happen.  

I am still disappointed in my parents.  I really need them right now.  I am grateful for my husband and