Little Blessings, Learning to say no, not sweating the small and big stuff, God's hand

 It has been quite the week.  First of all my boss asked me to do the bus on Monday.  I told her no because it was my Bible Study.  I also have had to tell her no regarding taking off work.  She does not get it and is in her early 40s.  That was me with work etc.  I could be mad but I know it is essential I am there for my dad's surgery.  Also I made the decision to up my meds and I think with God's help I am doing much better than I would of last year.  People at work as a whole were pretty supportive.  What a nice change and also I was able to set up my room which is pretty complicated easily.  I have learned to ask for what I can do.   I think of the verse all things work together for good. 

Best You Can Do and God is in Control

 I was reflecting on my BCBA and how she did not give me what I needed yesterday.  Initially I was frustrated and what she was asking me to do I had already tried and I forgot I did.  Instead of being frustrated with her I choose to let you God take over and if Mikalia is supposed to stay she will and if she is supposed to go she will.  What needs to change in my room will change and what needs to be different will be different.  I leave it in God's hands.

I am also giving to you God those people who frustrate me.  I can't change what is in their minds or their abilities or if they are lazy.  Instead I leave those people and the situations in Your Hand Lord.

BCBA, Running, Groceries, Sunday

 

On Friday I had a situation that I did not listen.  God calls us to be quick to listen and slow to anger and Talk.  I blew it because I chose not to listen.  At first I was beating myself up for it but then I realized it was an opportunity to learn to listen and let the past be the past.

Sunday I was doing a last minute lesson.  My friend had prayed for my music but not this.  I learned from a student how to more effectively teach a verse and the idea from God popped into my head to make gestures for the key words.  God is good.

I was running a half and my goal was to do at least 6 miles at pace.  In the meantime I was able to encourage someone.  She thanked me the next day.  It is good to feel used for helping.  But at the end I ran my pace and left her behind.  I also knew I needed to care for myself and make safe choices so I would be all right.  That is good too. 

I was in the store today and I was at the check out.  I saw a person taking advantage of the clerk and she was getting nervous.  When the clerk walked away I stated to the dishonest person I was frustrated because all of us needed to get to work.  The lady in front ( also black) also confronted me that it was a Jewel problem not the dishonest person.  I am glad I did not say anything after that but I am proud of me that I kept my mouth shut when I knew I was dealing with fools.  They could of been white or black but it was the situation.  I will not go to the store if I am in a hurry or for my safety.  I was worried that the person would come over and hit me or say more stuff but I saw her go back in with some groceries.  I just prayed for my friend the clerk.  When I woke up I heard the song Bless Me.  Even though the person said God bless I knew she did not know God.  Thank you Lord for your protection.

Today one of my students fell in the hallway.  She bruised her head very slightly.  She is quite wobbly.  It happened under my aide’s watch.  I sent her to the nurse and later I called the mother.  We have had a history where she accused me of something I did not do.  I called her and said it just like my boss told me to.  It went well.  I kept my cool.  I worked it out. I will take her to the bathroom by herself from now on.  I overcame a 15 year fear. 

I was observed today.  This was the first time in my life I was not a complete basketcase.  Also it was an hour and a half late.  I kept my cool.  The BCBA came in completely disrupted my room.  They are paid to make things better.  I wanted an eval so a kid would be out of my room in the right setting for her. 

God has got me.

I feel so inadquet for this position.  I see where Amanda got burned out.  But today when I found out I was getting more I just plowed through asking God to help me.  It ended I did not get the kids.  I am tired of the numbers game.  It also shows me my days are numbered.  Hopefully Mike will understand

A Person is not a Toy

 Yesterday I had to spend time with my inlaws.  The first part was tough.  They treated my MIL like she was a toy taking pictures.  Posing, dancing and making her play with their dog.  She was pretty drugged up and was half asleep the entire time.  I watched as my nephew was very sad as he sat there and no one seemed to notice except me. 

When we left an hour and a half later I felt so violated and angry that they had tried to relate to my MIL that way.  Then we went to their house.  I was so mad we had to go.  I told my husband just two hours and I was going to call an Uber if he did not take me home.  Things got better.  They were nicer.

I noticed a few things when I went.  First they did not know how to treat her.  They felt guilty for not seeing her more often and they acted pretty silly during that time.  I did not have to perform.  I just sat there.  Third I should of prayed when I got upset.  Instead I was just hurt and in pain.  Fourth they were pretty cool at the house.  Fifth my inlaws must of been hurt while they ministered at the other church.  They don't go to church anymore.  Sixth my SIL is not saved.  She believes someone who is gay can be saved.  She is decieved.

I need to pray for them and their salvation.  The kids are good people but they are not relying on the Lord.  

Glad I don't have to do this until Thanksgiving. 

Keep Your Mouth Shut

 I have been given the reputation to be the one who does not complain.  In a few situations recently it has been easy to complain about a few people who are very controlling.  I personally think they are jealous and think my job is easy.  I have not said their names but I have complained to a couple of teachers.  They are like adicts who love to hear that and find out who.  I am learning even in this more positive environment I have bullies of a different kind.  I also have gossip quite rampid.  I need to just shut my mouth and journal, blog and first of all pray.  I want to be the change so much and not complain.  But it gets hard when your light shines. 

Emotional Memories

 

I felt out of place in first grade.  I think because I was the quirky kid and my interests were not those of others.  I desperately tried for friendships.  Often I would compromise my comforts for those of others.   A group of third graders frequently were playing and they would sing this chant.  Cross Cross apple sauce no body else can play with us.  If they do we will knock them blue.  I would play with them after they chanted it and suddenly I would be hurling to the ground and hit in the head.  I would complain to the playground supervisor but they would never listen no matter who it was.  They were too busy drinking their coffee or talking with friends.  I felt the pain but I just kept on doing it. I can still feel the zing and the pain of every time they kicked me to the ground, Finally I decided that it was enough and I would play by myself.  A lot of people thought I was weird.  I knew I was safe.  I absolutely dreaded going outside.  I would just clam up and freeze.  No where did it feel safe.  To this day I have been extra cautious with my friendships.  And I have been burned several times with toxic relationships just wanting to be liked and not disappoint people.  I have learned I need to separate myself from others that do that to me.  I am valuable and I am worthy to be a friend.  I am unique and have lots of offer as a person, I am interesting with my talents and abilities, a helper and a friend.  

I don't remember much with my mom hit me in the face.  It really hurt and I felt very alone.  I would feel so cold . I was embarrassed that I had let my mom do that.  I eould feel the  For many years I would flinch when someone get too close to my face with their hand.  I remember sharing that with a trusted friend and she told me I did not deserve that.  That was the first time I had heard that.  When a person questions my worth I question my 

Whenever I disappoint someone I can remember the time that mom hit me either physically or emotionally.  I remember it was a ache but also an empty feeling of worthlessness.  I was embarrassed that I allowed my mom to hit me, scream at me and hurt me physically and emotionally.  I knew it was wrong but I still felt I did something to make her upset with me. I hated living in fear and walking on egg shells all the time.  I believe it affected my relationship to Christ and I felt so alone.  

Wed

Yesterday I shared my mom narrative with my husband.  He listened and was really moved.  We did discuss that my experiece was  valid and that God had done a work in my mom and how it affected my whole mental being.  I have used that with many of the students I have taught with balancing in bullying and difficult relationships.  God works everything out for his good.

Yesterday my case manager came in.  We discuss the difficult student.  She told me I need to remember why a student is stressed and doing those things.  I intially was not happy because it just made my job harder but I need to be thankful for my cm,  staff, and those who are my superiors who want to help.  What a difference from last year.