The people who really matter

 I got an email from the WBT guru and he told me he was so angry this situation happened.  I got a few emails about wanting me to interview with them like Elim and St. Collettas.

I played a trick on my parents.  I pretended to dye my hair crazy colors.  It wan actually a photo changer on Instagram.  My parents did not think it was funny and my mom gave me a lecture on how to act when I returned and said I needed to behave myself because at almost 56 years old I need to be a good pastor's kid.  I rebuttled and told her that I did not have to act any specific way and that they were not responsible for my behavior.

I realized my parents can't take jokes and I can't worry about what they think of me.  Well at least I won't jump out any windows any more.

I am getting in touch with psycologists who can dignose me for ADHD.  I believe what the OT and my hubby said was partially true but frankly my problem is anxiety and PTSD.  I have applied to two jobs and also four job hunting communities.  Glad I am able to do something in this insanity.

Human

 

Yesterday I had a good talk with one of my mentors Barb.  She is in no way perfect and I don't agree with her on everything but she has a lot of good wisdom and godly advice.  

I found out that I am coming back to Arcadia and there is a co teacher who supposedly got all my problems fixed and that she did everything I was told to do.  

Part of me is glad because I don't have to be in charge and I was in a impossible situation with my aides etc.

My husband said I had been failed by my admin, aides, etc.  

I am grateful that I don't have to be in charge but my pride wants me to scream that it is not fair.  I also wonder if this is God's way of protecting me and that He is teaching me to transition to the position I will have when I retire.

I also wonder if I am doing too much and my body is telling me it is time to take a break.

I pray for success for this situation, that my pride will be left on the shelf and that I can do what is put in front of me.

But it still hurts. 

Boundaries

 I have recently listened to a message on Boundaries.  I have been realizing that I need this in my life.  After this forced medical leave I am having an opportunity to step back and examine this situation.  I am learning that there needs to be needed boundaries in the conversations I have with people and that even though I am scared when I go back that I need to project a feeling of confidence.  Not the one that is fake but one that at the right time the Holy Spirit will give me.  Second when I need to speak up I am going to not speak with the words of Chris but of God.  But lastly it still really freaks me out.  Lord have your way. 

I am gathering the data that states when the heat in my room was fixed.  That the lock was never fixed and that despite it being enabled to my admin it was never addressed.  I am tired of all the lies and anyone else not involved in this situation has basically been supportive of me and the stupidity of this situation.  

I am grateful that finally Jesus said enough of torturing my child.  I am protecting you from something more harmful such as accidently harming someone or myself.  Lord have your way.  I still pray for peace in this situation that somehow I can win over my aides and my boss to be peaceful with me but I know the likelyhood of that happening probably won't happen.  

I am still disappointed in my parents.  I really need them right now.  I am grateful for my husband and  

Disappointment

 I talked to my mom yesterday and I feel like I am such a disappointment to my parents.  As I look back at the incident that only thing I can do differently is wait for administration to come to open the window or unlock the door.  Honestly I still think God had my back and that what I was put on medical leave did not include me harming anyone or doing or saying something I would regret later.    

My husband says whatever happens we will deal with it.  I felt also so bad when I talked to my union rep and she had me disclose all the times I got written up.  It hurts so much and many of the situations were not my fault.   I hurt so much.

I taught yesterday in kids church and I felt things went relatively well.  I feel so stupid and frankly don't want anyone to know of my pain or think I am crazy.

I have been praying for peace in the situation but I am also mad.  Mad that no one really came to my rescue except one person from sped.  I hurt so much.  I feel so much like a failure but honestly this could not go on and I still believe it was for a purpose.

I even think about my future options.  I don't want to retire but I see no other way to get free of this situation.  I even wonder if anyone would hire me after this incident.  God I need a miracle. 

Wounded Spirit

 I just listened to Frank Peretti and his book WS.  What a game changer.  I realized that in a strange way I was bullied at my job.  This led to my thinking that I was crazy or gas lighted

Menards

 I recently found out that Menards hires seniors to stock shelves from 5 to 10.  They pay 17 dollars per hour and 20 on weekends.  I have also thought about my dream to be a job coach.  I currently after this situation have been toying with the idea to find the fastest way to retire and then work at Menards as a stocker.  I also remembered my dream about the adult I worked for 14 years that was unemployable.  I would love to be a job coach.  I am not sure if this is a legit dream but wouldn't it be something that I could do that someday.  It is looking like my dream could be in the near future. 

Watching the Movies

 I have reflected watching the three Gaslight movies.  I truly believe that I was gaslighted by my aide.  I look back at the situation and even though I am far from perfect I truly feel that I was gaslighted.  I wish I would hear from my school and see if I have a job or not.  It is hard to wait.  I hope I do but honestly I truly believe that if it was not this situation with the window it would of been something else.