Big Brother Is Watching You

Deuteronomy 20:4

For the LORD your God is He who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.”

Today I was sick of being cold in my room.  I have been cold for the last few weeks and I have contacted the office, the district office and cced my boss.  I contacted the sped ed director and then my boss is in my room telling me that I did not contact her.  There is so no heat.  But what I learned is that my boss is so parinoid they are checking all the emails.  This is crazy.  No privacy anywhere but at least God protects me. 

It's not About Winning

It was 4:39 in the evening and I am ready to take it easy.  It had been a busy Sunday and taking off youth has been a great putting my energy into the children in the morning. 

My sil had called all freaking out at us with all the cleaning she had to do, all that she had done, and her three out of control teens.  I have to admit that about sent me over the edge.  Everyone falls for her tantrums and it just does not work for someone turning 50 soon.

At first I just wanted to shout my frustration to my husband.  Then I had to think about my prioriities.  Wha tis most important.  How I helped Mike and how I reacted to the situation.

I was proud of myself.  I was able to keep my cool and just shut up. 

Proverbs 17:28 New International Version (NIV)

28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent,
    and discerning if they hold their tongues.

Overlook an insult

Proverbs 12:15-17

!5 The way of fools seems right to them,
    but the wise listen to advice.

16 Fools show their annoyance at once,
    but the prudent overlook an insult.

17 An honest witness tells the truth,
    but a false witness tells lies.

18 The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
    but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Today we cleaned out again my MIL apartment.  What should be a quick job is taking so much longer than needed.  Last week Mike and I had everything pretty much boxed up and ready to go.   I about died but expected to see what my SIL did.  Everything was strewn all over in a disarray mess.  I could hardly contain myself.  But I did.  I knew my quick thinking the week before with the toss party was a good one.

She was actually getting rid of stuff but everything had to go through this crazy process.  I actually saw a few things I wanted to take for my classroom but hesitated because of the smoke and mold from the other place my MIL lived in.  And frankly I just wanted to toss and toss.

But I was told under no uncertain terms that we could not throw anything away.  I wondered if I would of done a bunch the week before would she of noticed.  But no matter.

I kept quiet and still through the whole process.  She even accused me and said you probably want to toss it all.  I kept quiet.  She asked me what I had been up to lately.  I said nothing.  It hurt but somehow I was prepared for it.  It felt absolutely much more peaceful when she finally left and we did some cleaning before we left.

I came home and started to process of throwing out some old books in our house.  If I can do a little every day we won't have this problem when we got old and decrepid.  

Just like work and church music ministry I leave the battles to the Lord and not me.  Even a fool is thought smart if he keeps silent.  I would rather be silent than stupid.  

ContentmentL A Choice

https://www.google.com/search?q=contentment+with+godliness&rlz=1CADSMM_enUS857&tbm=isch&sxsrf=ACYBGNTnwZ4KI_hNZ9TNVXG24PyfZjnU1A:1576087152319&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQguWWlq7mAhUkU98KHdh_ABIQ_AUICigB&biw=1366&bih=609&dpr=1#imgrc=YZIYeYfn21IkXM:


This has been quite the week.  First I got called into the office for doing something nice.  So stupid.   I had to appologize for doing good and I did.

Tuesday happened and I had a parent upset with my classroom.  The same parent who does not communicate with me, the same one that does not attend meetings, the same one that could of had their child in a more appropriate school but chose mine instead. 

Then the whole situation with my MIL.  Handled so much like a mess.  So sad to see her just there in the nursing home.

Ministry left and ministry seemed to be forgotten.  Making a decision to shelf myself and being sheleved. 

Then the constant cleaning and worrying with my husband.

But then I thought about it.

God gave me this job.  If I am to remain there I need to rejoice even when things go wrong.  I need to realize that doing good is not always understood by others.  The best way is not always the way for some people.  God gave me MIke and even though I might end of doing more than my share who cares.  He is a gift and there are many things good with him.
Today I visited my MIL and we had a good visit.  I personally think she was drugged up a bit but that is okay. 

I can't change others but I can change me. 

Thank you Lord for changing me.

Lots have happened to me since August.  I have a purpose to be certified.  I am walking away from toxic people and situations and I have lost a whooping 24 pounds.  I am more confident that ever before I am seeing things differently.

Living in the Midst of Mess

I Corinthians 3:6

Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst?

I am in the midst of some stuff I can't control but I am learning how I respond can be what I am called to do.

First of all my husband is really depressed and stressed out with his job.  I try to listen but then I think of all the times I hated what I did and how I just stressed out if I would have a job the next week or day.  But I am still here.

Then I think of my church and all the people who frustrate me or I don't understand what they do and why they do it.

I think about my former friends and how I should of left them eons ago. 

I  think of my closed doors and shelves I am put upon.

I consider whether it is more important to be a pacer or just enjoy the sport I once used to work so hard at.

But I am blessed.  Essentially if I stay at my current job I like what I do and having an uninvolved boss is better that micromangages that leaves you alone because she has too many fires to put out.  I can handle that

The ministries at church.  I can't control a male chovanist and a diva for whatever reason won't let me do worship team.  I leave it.  I enjoy the freedom of only doing one ministry and doing it well.

The things I have walked away from, the pacing, the writing, and the youth group.  Things in my life that needed to be pruned.

Shelf Life

It all started in July just after a trip I took to Ohio.  I came back Friday night after a great time and a firm decision that this would be the year I would pursue my dream of certification of being a Whole Brain Teacher.  Then the crazy started with my coaching for the Chicago Marathon Everyone was seeming to fall apart and I had to work around many people's poor decisions.  Then when I paced the two races that weekend stuff began to happen to me.  Saturday I bombed a pacing gig and realized my pacing might be coming to an end with the faster pacing.  On Sunday I decided to end a toxic relationship once and for all.  Also in the midst of it all I was suddenly being pushed aside in youth ministry and worship team. 

The shelf life.  Not easy but essential.  I see where being on the shelf in youth has been good.  I deserve to be treated with respect.  I choose to walk away from not being appreciated.  Music.  I might not be the youthful one but for some reason I am not chosen.  I know I am a good singer.  I am one of the best.  But for some reason I am put on a shelf.  That is okay.  I would say it does hurt but necessary for a reason.

Third, toxic relationships and saying no to stuff.  I have walked away from three big responsiblities.  Maybe four soon.  It is scary but necessary.  For so long training has been for others.  Now is the time to run for me and experience why I started this sport in the first place.  Now is the time to work out just for me. 

Fourth it is time to say goodbye to some things like ambassadorship, coaching, and temporarilly singing.  And writing when all they publish is articles for their own benefit.

It is good to say goodbye and maybe say hello to new things.  That is a good thing to do.
May the new that is replaced be what God wants me to do and not a ploy to just stay busy.

1 Corinthians 2:9 GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

9 But as Scripture says:

“No eye has seen,
    no ear has heard,
        and no mind has imagined
            the things that God has prepared
                for those who love him.”

Not Enough

I have been doing a lot of questioning on not being enough.  I see it with many events in my life.  Some I can control but most I can't.  Continued weight loss to my goal I can control.  Who I choose to spend time with I can control.  But this I can't control. 

My mother in law has been diagnosed with dementia for some time.  She has unsafely lived by herself for some time.  I got frustrated and left things alone.  I prayed about it but generally let the pieces fall where they pleased.  After almost three days we get the call that my mother in law will finally be put in a nursing home.  This is good news but also bad considering the fact that there will be lots of changes in both Mike and my life.  I am sad because no matter how much Mike and I help it will not be enough.  I am frustrated with how my inlaws handled the situation not telling us and then just dealing with stuff when there was a crisis.  I am angry because this is what always happens to Mike and me.  Living with emergencies because other people choose to live that way. 

Guess it is an opportunity for me to pray more.  I don't want to live like this.  I don't want to have to work till I am so old I have to retire because my body gives out and I have not planned for the future. 

I just wonder when the bottom is going to fall out of my life.  But then I remember the scripture about asking for wisdom.  I just have to.

James 1:5 New International Version (NIV)

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

I also ask for wisdom about other things in my life.  First about the whole youth thing.  I have a Bible degree and somehow my gifts and talents are not used nor respected.  I am supposed to just shut up and be a smiling fixture.  God did not create me that way nor do I feel this is what I am supposed to do.  I have with some prayer made the decision to walk about from it at the end of next month.

Then the music thing.  I am not on the schedule anymore.  I am a good singer.  I am talented.  I am useful.  I am better than average.  I don't look old.  What happened?  I never get prideful with my talents.  I take each time as a treasure and keep the right attitude.  I put the focus on the right places.  I get compliments.  I feel so tossed aside.  I see people who are in it for the wrong reasons and less committed and talent.  And I ask why.  What is up with me.  My mom says there is a reason.  I know that it is true.

 I am thankful for childrens ministry where I am taken seriously and my talents are used.   I have been around this music mountain before.  I have been through this thing before with the speaking.  This is not my first rodeo.  But I still wonder why.  Thank God for kids church and for my opportunities on Whole Brain Teaching.  At least some people take me and my talents seriously.  I give all the praise to God but why?

God I leave it to you.  With the situation with my MIL I leave it with you.  Help me to make the right choices with taking my share in this responsibility.  Help me with my relationship with my inlaws as I navigate through personalities that are counter to my own.  Help us with our finances.  Help me to strike a balance with my work life, my social life and my running life.  Let me find the friends I need to find and rid myself of toxic relationships that are not healthy  or wise to me.

Help me understand what I can't control, or take responsibilty for situations, people and stuff I don't understand.  Help me to be patient in understanding  in Your time Lord why is this happening and what I can learn from it.