My mother in law has been diagnosed with dementia for some time. She has unsafely lived by herself for some time. I got frustrated and left things alone. I prayed about it but generally let the pieces fall where they pleased. After almost three days we get the call that my mother in law will finally be put in a nursing home. This is good news but also bad considering the fact that there will be lots of changes in both Mike and my life. I am sad because no matter how much Mike and I help it will not be enough. I am frustrated with how my inlaws handled the situation not telling us and then just dealing with stuff when there was a crisis. I am angry because this is what always happens to Mike and me. Living with emergencies because other people choose to live that way.
Guess it is an opportunity for me to pray more. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to have to work till I am so old I have to retire because my body gives out and I have not planned for the future.
I just wonder when the bottom is going to fall out of my life. But then I remember the scripture about asking for wisdom. I just have to.
James 1:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
I also ask for wisdom about other things in my life. First about the whole youth thing. I have a Bible degree and somehow my gifts and talents are not used nor respected. I am supposed to just shut up and be a smiling fixture. God did not create me that way nor do I feel this is what I am supposed to do. I have with some prayer made the decision to walk about from it at the end of next month.
Then the music thing. I am not on the schedule anymore. I am a good singer. I am talented. I am useful. I am better than average. I don't look old. What happened? I never get prideful with my talents. I take each time as a treasure and keep the right attitude. I put the focus on the right places. I get compliments. I feel so tossed aside. I see people who are in it for the wrong reasons and less committed and talent. And I ask why. What is up with me. My mom says there is a reason. I know that it is true.
I am thankful for childrens ministry where I am taken seriously and my talents are used. I have been around this music mountain before. I have been through this thing before with the speaking. This is not my first rodeo. But I still wonder why. Thank God for kids church and for my opportunities on Whole Brain Teaching. At least some people take me and my talents seriously. I give all the praise to God but why?
God I leave it to you. With the situation with my MIL I leave it with you. Help me to make the right choices with taking my share in this responsibility. Help me with my relationship with my inlaws as I navigate through personalities that are counter to my own. Help us with our finances. Help me to strike a balance with my work life, my social life and my running life. Let me find the friends I need to find and rid myself of toxic relationships that are not healthy or wise to me.
Help me understand what I can't control, or take responsibilty for situations, people and stuff I don't understand. Help me to be patient in understanding in Your time Lord why is this happening and what I can learn from it.
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