The Many Layers of Crazy

 Yesterday was just one bad day with lots of layers.  First I had a meeting with one of my bosses.  She felt insecure so she used that opportunity to make me feel bad.  I realized that immediately and then I did what I could to build her up even though it was me that figured out the situations. Then we had a group meeting and it was another huge disaster.  I had shared that our one person who is lazy needs more guidance.  Instead of talking with her pr.ivately they publically praised her.  It was nuts.  Then I found out more work I have to do and stuff that was someone else was put on me.  Then I was blamed for stuff that were lies. Also the kids were nuts in music.  It was like a spirit of crazy was in there and then the rest of the day was just nutso.  Finally the parent who talked behind my back lies and wanting unrealistic expectations was late picking up her granddaughter.

I am proud of myself though I realized the boss just did not like herself and I instead kept to facts and thanked her for ( nothing) Noted that in the futre I will not call her for help.  Also I asked for someone to help me and she refused.  

Then I figured it would happen but I was also told that I would not be reinbursed for my stuff I was told I could have.  Moving forward I will just expect I will not get paid. 

I complained to my mom and my husband and it  did not do anything for help.

Moving forward I will do what I need to do not to lessen my stress.  I will expect that I will be blamed for stuff that is not my fault.  I will not get the help I need.  People will get away with stuff and parents will talk behind my back.  

I can't control others but I can control myself. And as much as my ego is hurt I need to stick to the facts.  

And for next year I will be in prayer about how to handle situations including a position change.

Bad Decisions and letting things go

Today was just awful.  I had to sit in a meeting that could of been sent in an email.  The kids who desperately need structure came back after a four day weekend wild, my co teacher was freaking out with stuff that was not explained to me, they changed bus services on a few of my kids and then my boss came to visit and observe.  BUT with the grace of God I survived. Lord grant me and my other teachers wisdom.   Lord grant me peace 

Toxic Christians

 I was thinking of some of the people that I have interacted with in the past.  First I thought of the running groups I was a part of.  Then I thought of people initially I thought were safe and ended up being quite toxic.  I am thankful for learning and growing.  Now I am more smarter.   Thank you Lord for your eternal wisdom. 

enjoy where you are at

 Lately I have been convicted to enjoy where I am at.  Instead of getting frustrated, worrying about others opinions, and a Chris time table, things that are not my fault I have been focusing on what can I control and that God is going to give an answer in the way He sees fit.  And most of all He sees me doing all the things right.  

Yesterday I had to drop what I thought and let someone else get the answer.  I am also giving my mind rest and not worrying about how to solve the future.

God is in control and even though crazy has been given to me I can rely on God to have someone even not me control it. 

I gave this advice to mom.  Even though she is older the Lord is still using her with her relationships with other people.  I would love to be on a stage doing worship but frankly the stage that is available to me is not one I know that the Lord has me on.  I can't change others but I can let God change me. 

I look at all my wins.  I am positively impacting at least 4 out of my 6.  I am building a relationship with a kid that I thought would be such a problem.  My students are getting used to routine.  Good things are happening

Positives and Crazy

 Today was a full day with kids.  It was hard for them and the staff.  But the Lord is showing me how to balance my energy.  Also I am learning how to keep the teaching train going.  But at the end of the day I wore myself out with a kid who was just plum tired at the end of the day.  Wow was she tough and even with two teachers she could not be held down.  But I am done and home.  Thanks Lord for helping me 

Blessings

I am learning to ask more for help and say no.  I can't change others but I can change myself with God's help.  Today I had a donut that was amazing, got to run and walk despite the crazy weather, got a nice walk in and found out some things about my BCBA and that she is kind of cool.  

Both Sides

 Yesterday I finally took the plunge and faced my former runner friends.  It was interesting.  They were encouraging.  Not sure if it was a habit or just a slam to my slowness.  I am thankful for the years I paced but I see all the stress and trauma it caused me.  But as I reflect on this I realize the next time I see someone struggling instead of the typical encouragement just smile, say hi and pray for them.  

Last night Mike cooked super healthy.  It was so yummy and so nice.  I see where it was good for my body and my soul.  I slept so much better.  

As I reflect on tomorrow I am nervous.  But I have to remind myself I have had new before and I survived.  I am seeing though that I need to pace myself.  I can't change others but with the help of God I can change myself and my environment.