Emotional Memories

 

I felt out of place in first grade.  I think because I was the quirky kid and my interests were not those of others.  I desperately tried for friendships.  Often I would compromise my comforts for those of others.   A group of third graders frequently were playing and they would sing this chant.  Cross Cross apple sauce no body else can play with us.  If they do we will knock them blue.  I would play with them after they chanted it and suddenly I would be hurling to the ground and hit in the head.  I would complain to the playground supervisor but they would never listen no matter who it was.  They were too busy drinking their coffee or talking with friends.  I felt the pain but I just kept on doing it. I can still feel the zing and the pain of every time they kicked me to the ground, Finally I decided that it was enough and I would play by myself.  A lot of people thought I was weird.  I knew I was safe.  I absolutely dreaded going outside.  I would just clam up and freeze.  No where did it feel safe.  To this day I have been extra cautious with my friendships.  And I have been burned several times with toxic relationships just wanting to be liked and not disappoint people.  I have learned I need to separate myself from others that do that to me.  I am valuable and I am worthy to be a friend.  I am unique and have lots of offer as a person, I am interesting with my talents and abilities, a helper and a friend.  

I don't remember much with my mom hit me in the face.  It really hurt and I felt very alone.  I would feel so cold . I was embarrassed that I had let my mom do that.  I eould feel the  For many years I would flinch when someone get too close to my face with their hand.  I remember sharing that with a trusted friend and she told me I did not deserve that.  That was the first time I had heard that.  When a person questions my worth I question my 

Whenever I disappoint someone I can remember the time that mom hit me either physically or emotionally.  I remember it was a ache but also an empty feeling of worthlessness.  I was embarrassed that I allowed my mom to hit me, scream at me and hurt me physically and emotionally.  I knew it was wrong but I still felt I did something to make her upset with me. I hated living in fear and walking on egg shells all the time.  I believe it affected my relationship to Christ and I felt so alone.  

Wed

Yesterday I shared my mom narrative with my husband.  He listened and was really moved.  We did discuss that my experiece was  valid and that God had done a work in my mom and how it affected my whole mental being.  I have used that with many of the students I have taught with balancing in bullying and difficult relationships.  God works everything out for his good.

Yesterday my case manager came in.  We discuss the difficult student.  She told me I need to remember why a student is stressed and doing those things.  I intially was not happy because it just made my job harder but I need to be thankful for my cm,  staff, and those who are my superiors who want to help.  What a difference from last year. 

Impact Statements

 

I tried to make friendships when I was in first grade and then fourth grade.  I remember dreading going to the playground because I would get teased, hit and bullied.  No one seemed to take me seriously.  I shielded myself by playing by myself.  

I let guys when I was younger take advantage of me.  I knew it was wrong but I so wanted to have value.  I see that in my sister and I realize that happiness is not having a man in your life.

I dreaded my first school teaching experience for nine years.  Even though I did make some mistakes I would read the agenda hoping my name was not on it and that I would have to go see my boss during my break.  The sad but justice out of the whole situation is that my boss eventually got caught being so rebelious he lost his job. 

I had some difficult experiences teaching and realized it was beyond my mistakes but was the cause of other's worthlessness.

I remember that my mom used to have a temper.  When I did something to make her upset and most of the time it was childhood ignorance and not my fault.  I would run scared in the bedroom or closet upset and crying.  My sister when she was little would hide too.  Sometimes with me .   I would always appologize for my behavior whether my mom asked for forgiveness.  I now know that the frustration with a mentally ill mother was part of her problem and that she was just overwhelmed as a parent with me.  

I went to work the last five years and learned a lot and last year was the second worst year of my teaching career.  I believe that I will learn and grow so I can handle what is put in front of me this year.

I used busyness not to deal with my infertility.  I harbored a lot of anger toward my husband to not give me one of the things I desperately wanted.   

I used busyness to get the things out of life I desired.  I wrote, I trained I taught, I  worked with the disabled to find satisfaction in my life.  

I quit my part time employment, I stopped being a marathon coach, I am now giving up my future as staff with Whole Brain Teaching.  I quit these things because I had become discouraged not being valued and then fearful when I made mistakes.  

I got involved with Elevation Church as a way to bridge that gap in my feelings of not being respected at church.  I like to have a place where I am valued.

I started not liking going to church when people did not understand infertility.  I found out later that my pastor was going through a break down himself. I still don't like going because I am not able to share my talents and abilities.  Kids church is a safe place where I can learn, bring value to others and use some of my talents and abilities.

I am mad because it seems like at church I am too old to do worship team.  I hate going to the sermons because the pastor gets off track into one of his pre Christian days.  He also bad mouths EC.  It all comes back to repent, ....   My husband seems adored by the staff.  It is not fair.

My sister and brother in law seem to use people and are not reliable.  They say that they are Christians but they drink, not go to church and make me feel like crap when I visit them.  I avoid them as much as possible.

I wish my husband would stand up  for me.  I  feel like I have to always advocate for myself.  The experience has made me stronger and if I outlive him I can survive but I would love to have him do those things for me. 

Doors Open and Other Close

 Last week was good.  My mom and I discussed and I the abuse and I really think she has accepted what she could.  It also showed me that I am victim of the generational abuse both mentally and emotionally.  

I also found out I might be doing some work for Lakikee Sensory.  This is good because I am excited to try new products.  

I am really sad because my husband is just freaking out and constantly saying he is going to kill himself.  He gets mad and wants to quit.  I am so tired of hearing it I told him to.  It makes me so mad to be ignored and always taking care of him. 

Concert Reflections and Reflection on what I need

 Yesterday I went to a secular concert.  It was okay but also sad.  Seeing all the morbidly obese people, the prideful singer, the sexy dancing of the girls, the very talented musicans.  How what is a fun song is a naughty song.   People who are drunk or high suddenly become restless and either they were controlled by lack of inhabitions or ADHD.

Last I am still floored with the last few weeks of school.  God is so amazing.  I am getting so many compliments.  God is my provider. 

Last Day

 

Yesterday was the last day of summer school.  I am so thankful for the Lord's help.  But I am also remembering that I made it through.  I know next year will be challenging but I know it will be so much different than last year.  It is amazing what a month later can look like. 

God Has a Sense of Humor

 Yesterday I was talking with my mom and I told her that I felt I would be doing some music ministry soon.   I can see God talking to his Son and the Holy Spirit and saying check this out.  She does not know how soon this is going to be.  I got to the starting line of the race and they were asking for volunteers to sing the National Anthem.  I did not even think about it I just went up there and did it.  The only problem was that my singing took a lot of my energy.  By mile 3 I was toast.  I am still glad I did it but probably wont again.  As I sang I know it was totally the Lord and my voice was not mine.  

I believe God gave me peace to do it but I also think it was a tell tale thing that showed me I need to maybe in the future reconsider my medication.  Setraline has totally slowed me down in the running department but I am so thankful for it because I am so much calmer than before.

Welcome to a new Opportunity

 I got a welcome bag from my new job.  It is so cool.  I am so pumped.  I could hardly function the first hour.  What a difference from the other school.  I got gifts from my bosses but it was always sign the paper and I went to their office.  Or if they brought it to me I would have to kiss their feet.  Not this time.  

The classes at the Park District have been not too stressful this summer.  The attendance has been light and often it was just one person.  

Thank you Lord for getting my confidence up again.