Internal vs. External

Yesterday I got a message about the motivational idiot coming to speak to our classes again.  He is talking about GPAs.  The funny thing is that parents are bullying the teachers to give them good grades.  I am learning that I can't get learning to go on until I deal with the internal conflicts of my students whether it is toward each other or another person in their life.

Galatians 5:23 ESV / 5 helpful votes  

Gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Until there is peace in my room how can I expect learning to occur.  I am thankful for the less pressure I have and the small number of students but after the one student left with all his drama I am seeing that unless I take care of the internal in my classroom there cannot be instruction that occurs.

This has also been a week where a lot of kids and adults have been sick.  Also there has been a few situations where I have had to deal with my boss and stand up for myself or my aide.  NO MORE.  I will just say yes and leave it.  I am tired of fighting and worried about my getting written up.

I will continually ask for your wisdom Lord and just control what I can and leave the rest up to you Lord.  Even though I may not seem like things are right on the surface I know that a greater power has my back in the long term of things.

It has been a blessing slowing down this year.  It has given me a chance to really get in touch with my feelings and emotions.   God is providing me opportunities with my gifts.

God's Got You Moments

This has been quite the few weeks.  First my situation with my student where I probably pushed the limits but I had to live through angry bosses and parents.  But a student came to me who is functioning at a 4 year old level told me he was so sorry this whole thing happened. I have told him time and time again it is not his fault.  That is not a chance meeting.  The Lord somehow allowed him to think out of his normal patterns and it was a way for vindication for me.

Yesterday staff meeting was such a mess.  More and more confusion.  Less doing what is asked or required.  People getting written up.  No administration support.  Just a lot of chaos.  My students sick and still coming to school.


Having to do stuff that is other peoples jobs.  Decisions being changed out of emotion with out my knowing.  Having to do things I should not have to do and dealing with irresponsibility that is made to look like my fault.

Sadness instead of anger when I went to my inlaws.  Emptiness in the midst of  luxury.  No hopes, no dreams.  Just survival.

My pet dying.  Knew it was coming but did not expect it so soon.  He chose me to hold him as he died despite the fact my husband is the primary caregiver.

Working on a certification that seems to the typical person not important or impossible but realizing I need to keep going because it is part of God's plan.

2 Corinthians 4:18

New International Version
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.


I am glad that today I got to see my situation at work justified.  Had the pleasure of holding my dying pet and saying goodbye.  The peace knowing the Lord will keep me healthy in sickness.  Not taking ownership of other people's messes.  

Kept my Mouth Shur

Today was a series of stuff where people were either really stupid or really jerky.  I wanted to say something so many times but I did not.  And then when I want to quit somehow with the help of GodI kept my mouth sbut.


The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:21 | NIV 

Can you Care Too Much

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV). ... In fact, it is in your pain that God is closest to you, whether you realize it or not. The Bible says in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (NIV).

Today was a tough day.  I found out I had over stepped my boundaries with a student.  First he was unmedicated this year because the parents had decided to stop his mediciation. 

I fought for it but they refused to give it to him.  

Then he had some problems controlling himself and also some fights with another student and often came in mad after having trouble getting along with his siblings.

He did not have shoes for gym so I provided for him. 


He did not have breakfast so I provided for him.

He was hit by both parents so I talked to his sister and she told the dad.

I got in trouble for doing these things.  I know I overstepped my bounds but mostly it was out of ignorance and compassion for the kid.

I feel for this child, his family and even his abusers and neglectors.  But I also want that my job is protected.  

The more I process it and think about it I am sad, mad and frustrated because my husband just wants to hurt people and I know that will backfire.

Thanks Lord for being close to me during this time and do what you need to do.

Lines Are Blurred

Hebrews 13:8 New King James Version (NKJV)

8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

I came to school and I found out the book that the student had ruined they were not going to charge him since it was only two pages.  A parent complained about a teacher yet they had not medicated him.  the teacher was not doing her job and they wanted to add another aide to my classroom.  Lines are blurred.  Whoever speaks the loudest wins.  I am done with trying to fight battles.  I told on the teacher.  It has to stop.  She should not be teaching.  She can't use her accent as a excuse to flunk my children, be rude to them, not use the help I gave her and also not be nice to my aide.  But probably nothing will happen and the next staff meeting she will be praised again yet I sit there with all the amazing things happening in my class and nothing is said.  

Frankly I give up.  God I leave it in your control.  I am glad you do not change. 

Unfinished Business and Jealousy

I have been dreaming a lot about the past and things I either have not dealt with or would never do.  I woke up a few times in the night and instead of feeling regret I  just prayed that if I am supposed to make amends I will. 

I have lost quite a bit of weight.  It has been fun getting some new things that before I could not wear.  But with that has come some jealousy.  I am not sure but it makes me instead want to eat.

Also sometimes there is jealousy as I do stuff like teach and sing.  I just need to stay humble and realize I am just a vessel that God uses to establish his purpose.


Again I can't control how others respond to me but I can control how God wants me to respond to Him and then others.

Proverbs 19:21 New International Version (NIV)

21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
    but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Mistakes can mean growth

I have been trying to face new tough things.  For instance yesterday I had a meeting for my volunteer activity.  I purposely did not volunteer myself for two things.  One because it was not necessary and another that I am already committed.  Then as I was leaving the already too long meeting someone brought up a discussion that made me stay and frankly feel like I was bullied.  Then today as I came in I felt like I was in another situation of the mean girls with the one gal trying to do my job better.  I  could not stand her buillying a kid and I went in. 

I learned something from yesterday.  The next time someone tries to keep me at a meeting with a toxic subject just address it and then move on to my decision.  I also need to pray before any kind of meeting like this. 


I am good at what I do, I can always grow from my mistakes, I can say no and I don't have to do things like they have been done int he past.  I can say no.  I love my church but right now it is just a hot mess. 

I will do what I need to do and pray but I need to feel confident in myself.

Proverbs 19:21 New International Version (NIV)

21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
    but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.