Can you Care Too Much

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV). ... In fact, it is in your pain that God is closest to you, whether you realize it or not. The Bible says in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (NIV).

Today was a tough day.  I found out I had over stepped my boundaries with a student.  First he was unmedicated this year because the parents had decided to stop his mediciation. 

I fought for it but they refused to give it to him.  

Then he had some problems controlling himself and also some fights with another student and often came in mad after having trouble getting along with his siblings.

He did not have shoes for gym so I provided for him. 


He did not have breakfast so I provided for him.

He was hit by both parents so I talked to his sister and she told the dad.

I got in trouble for doing these things.  I know I overstepped my bounds but mostly it was out of ignorance and compassion for the kid.

I feel for this child, his family and even his abusers and neglectors.  But I also want that my job is protected.  

The more I process it and think about it I am sad, mad and frustrated because my husband just wants to hurt people and I know that will backfire.

Thanks Lord for being close to me during this time and do what you need to do.

Lines Are Blurred

Hebrews 13:8 New King James Version (NKJV)

8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

I came to school and I found out the book that the student had ruined they were not going to charge him since it was only two pages.  A parent complained about a teacher yet they had not medicated him.  the teacher was not doing her job and they wanted to add another aide to my classroom.  Lines are blurred.  Whoever speaks the loudest wins.  I am done with trying to fight battles.  I told on the teacher.  It has to stop.  She should not be teaching.  She can't use her accent as a excuse to flunk my children, be rude to them, not use the help I gave her and also not be nice to my aide.  But probably nothing will happen and the next staff meeting she will be praised again yet I sit there with all the amazing things happening in my class and nothing is said.  

Frankly I give up.  God I leave it in your control.  I am glad you do not change. 

Unfinished Business and Jealousy

I have been dreaming a lot about the past and things I either have not dealt with or would never do.  I woke up a few times in the night and instead of feeling regret I  just prayed that if I am supposed to make amends I will. 

I have lost quite a bit of weight.  It has been fun getting some new things that before I could not wear.  But with that has come some jealousy.  I am not sure but it makes me instead want to eat.

Also sometimes there is jealousy as I do stuff like teach and sing.  I just need to stay humble and realize I am just a vessel that God uses to establish his purpose.


Again I can't control how others respond to me but I can control how God wants me to respond to Him and then others.

Proverbs 19:21 New International Version (NIV)

21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
    but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Mistakes can mean growth

I have been trying to face new tough things.  For instance yesterday I had a meeting for my volunteer activity.  I purposely did not volunteer myself for two things.  One because it was not necessary and another that I am already committed.  Then as I was leaving the already too long meeting someone brought up a discussion that made me stay and frankly feel like I was bullied.  Then today as I came in I felt like I was in another situation of the mean girls with the one gal trying to do my job better.  I  could not stand her buillying a kid and I went in. 

I learned something from yesterday.  The next time someone tries to keep me at a meeting with a toxic subject just address it and then move on to my decision.  I also need to pray before any kind of meeting like this. 


I am good at what I do, I can always grow from my mistakes, I can say no and I don't have to do things like they have been done int he past.  I can say no.  I love my church but right now it is just a hot mess. 

I will do what I need to do and pray but I need to feel confident in myself.

Proverbs 19:21 New International Version (NIV)

21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
    but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Will the Real Carolyn Stand Up

Today I found out someone I had run with has died.  Everyone is sad.  I am not.  When I saw her picture I saw someone who had taken advantage of me and used me several times.  I saw someone who chose to go the cheap route and take advantage of others.  Maybe she was a good person.  Maybe she did good stuff.  But to me I only saw her especially at the end as a user.     What kind of reputation I am leaving behind.  What will people say about me when I die.  I can't worrry what other people think of me but I need to evaluate what is truly important.

Proverbs 22 Contemporary English Version (CEV)

The Value of a Good Reputation

22 A good reputation and respect
    are worth much more
    than silver and gold.
2 The rich and the poor
are all created
    by the Lord.
3 When you see trouble coming,
    don’t be stupid
    and walk right into it—
    be smart and hide.

4 Respect and serve the Lord!
    Your reward will be wealth,
    a long life, and honor.
5 Crooks walk down a road
full of thorny traps.
    Stay away from there!
6 Teach your children
    right from wrong,
    and when they are grown
    they will still do right.
7 The poor are ruled by the rich,
    and those who borrow
    are slaves of moneylenders.
8 Troublemakers get in trouble,
    and their terrible anger
    will get them nowhere.

9 The Lord blesses everyone
    who freely gives food
    to the poor.
10 Arguments and fights
    will come to an end,
    if you chase away those
    who insult others.
11 The king is the friend of all
who are sincere
    and speak with kindness.

12 The Lord watches over everyone
    who shows good sense,
    but he frustrates the plans
    of deceitful liars.
13 Don’t be so lazy that you say,
    “If I go to work,
    a lion will eat me!”
14 The words of a bad woman
    are like a deep pit;
    if you make the Lord angry,
    you will fall right in.
15 All children are foolish,
    but firm correction
    will make them change.
16 Cheat the poor to make profit
or give gifts to the rich—
    either way you lose.

Thirty Wise Sayings

17 Here are some sayings
    of people with wisdom,
    so listen carefully
    as I teach.
18 You will be glad
that you know these sayings
    and can recite them.
19 I am teaching them today,
    so that you
    may trust the Lord.
20 I have written thirty sayings
    filled with sound advice.
21 You can trust them completely
    to give you the right words
    for those in charge of you.

-1-

22 Don’t take advantage
of the poor
    or cheat them in court.
23 The Lord is their defender,
    and what you do to them,
    he will do to you.

-2-

24 Don’t make friends with anyone
    who has a bad temper.
25 You might turn out like them
    and get caught in a trap.

-3-

26 Don’t guarantee to pay
    someone else’s debt.
27 If you don’t have the money,
    you might lose your bed.

-4-

28 Don’t move a boundary marker[a]
    set up by your ancestors.

-5-

29 If you do your job well,
    you will work for a ruler
    and never be a slave.

Footnotes:

25 Times

Today I went up and down Swallow Cliff 25 times.  It was a celebration of how much weight I have lost since August.  I know I will pay for it later but it was an incredible feeling.  I know that the Lord allowed me to feel that because later I visited my MIL and it was really sad.  Then I came home to my husband having a temper tantrum because he could not put something together.  Life is not always fair but I see God's hand in my life so much.  Even though there are points of my life that are changing I see where His hand is guiding me.

Psalm 139 NIRV For the director of music. A psalm of David. 1 Lord, you have seen what is in my heart. You know all about me. 2 You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know what I'm thinking even though you are far away. 3 You know when I go out to work and when I come back home. You know exactly how I live. 4 Lord, even before I speak a word, you know all about it. 5 You are all around me. You are behind me and in front of me. You hold me in your power. 6 I'm amazed at how well you know me. It's more than I can understand. 7 How can I get away from your Spirit? Where can I go to escape from you? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the deepest parts of the earth, you are also there. 9 Suppose I were to rise with the sun in the east and then cross over to the west where it sinks into the ocean. 10 Your hand would always be there to guide me. Your right hand would still be holding me close. 11 Suppose I were to say, "I'm sure the darkness will hide me. The light around me will become as dark as night." 12 Even that darkness would not be dark to you. The night would shine like the day, because darkness is like light to you. 13 You created the deepest parts of my being. You put me together inside my mother's body. 14 How you made me is amazing and wonderful. I praise you for that. What you have done is wonderful. I know that very well. 15 None of my bones was hidden from you when you made me inside my mother's body. That place was as dark as the deepest parts of the earth. When you were putting me together there, 16 your eyes saw my body even before it was formed. You planned how many days I would live. You wrote down the number of them in your book before I had lived through even one of them. 17 God, your thoughts about me are priceless. No one can possibly add them all up. 18 If I could count them, they would be more than the grains of sand. If I were to fall asleep counting and then wake up, you would still be there with me. 19 God, I wish you would kill the people who are evil! I wish those murderers would get away from me! 20 They

20 They are your enemies. They misuse your name. They misuse it for their own evil purposes. 

21 Lord, I really hate those who hate you! I really hate those who rise up against you! 

22 I have nothing but hatred for them. I consider them to be my enemies. 

23 God, see what is in my heart. Know what is there. Put me to the test. Know what I'm thinking. 

24 See if there's anything in my life you don't like. Help me live in the way that is always right.

Little signs from God

God was really good on my run today.  I listened to Michael W Smith's first Christmas album and it just healed my soul.  The song Christ the Messiah came on and I saw this manger scene outside.  What a blessing.  Then I got a few decent pictures of Santa.

It was a good day at church.  The kids did a nice job today in service.  Holly tried to take the credit and had the kids come after her in the second song.  But it was pretty obvious that Michael the children director  was running the show.  Even though I was with the kids I got to sing too along side of keeping Mather with his mom on task.    After they got to the front for the dancing they did what Michael wanted them to do. 

As you know I have been quite discouraged with the whole worship thing.  I have been praying for Holly and keeping a good attitude but I can't accept that I have been not asked lately.  I know I am a good singer and I keep a good attitude.  But today I sat in church for the first time as a observer since June.  Worship was really flat.  I am not being unfair but it was really dead. The people in front are 35 or younger. It was all melody.  No harmony and no expression.  I am over the whole being on the platform after  seeing so many humble fantastic songs on YouTube lately.  I am done wanting something I don't need to be a part of.  God will open up music when it is time.  

  At the end of kids church there was  a little time and we were stuck in this tiny room.  I came up with the idea that we sing Christmas carols when the parents picked up the kids.  Usually that would crash and burn but the Spirit was all over it and the kids and adults kept on doing various songs.  It was amazing and the kids were super good.  This went on for about fifteen minutes.

  Then I left and had to come back because someone accidentally put their keys in my purse.  When I got back the youth told me about this guy I did not have a good gut feeling that was Lee's friend that visited youth.  He can't come to church or young adult but Lee is letting him come to youth at his house. He also has a poor attitude toward women.    There was been quite a bit of drama over this the last few weeks and I am so thankful that I was not a part of it. My gut feeling of the unhealthiness of Lee's attitude toward me as a female and also his constant fire and brimstone message was God's way of getting me out of unnecessary stress in my life.  It was like God had protected me again from a stressful and dangerous situation.  I cant be part of a ministry where people are allowed that are not safe for our teens.  

Then the Smoky bunny died.  Please pray for Mike.  I am sad but the bunny was suffering.  We will be getting another one because I suggested it.  Mike wanted an older female but I suggested we pray and go with a youngster. So that will probably happen on the 26th or 27th.   So a new adventure but I will miss my friend. 

I look at my house and suddenly a see what  a mess it is but I know it will get clean little by little.  That is how my life has got to be.  Fixed little by little.  Things revealed little by little.

Yesterday I was reminded of why I had not pursued some things and how even with a few toxic relationships he had protected me.   I am allowing myself to be put on the shelf with maybe not pacing so much, working the special rec, youth group participation and last accepting my retirement for the fourth time in worship.  But it is okay.  God sees

Isaiah 35:5 New International Version

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.