Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Will the Real Carolyn Stand Up



Today I found out someone I had run with has died.  Everyone is sad.  I am not.  When I saw her picture I saw someone who had taken advantage of me and used me several times.  I saw someone who chose to go the cheap route and take advantage of others.  Maybe she was a good person.  Maybe she did good stuff.  But to me I only saw her especially at the end as a user.     What kind of reputation I am leaving behind.  What will people say about me when I die.  I can't worrry what other people think of me but I need to evaluate what is truly important.

Proverbs 22 Contemporary English Version (CEV)

The Value of a Good Reputation

22 A good reputation and respect
    are worth much more
    than silver and gold.
2 The rich and the poor
are all created
    by the Lord.
3 When you see trouble coming,
    don’t be stupid
    and walk right into it—
    be smart and hide.
4 Respect and serve the Lord!
    Your reward will be wealth,
    a long life, and honor.
5 Crooks walk down a road
full of thorny traps.
    Stay away from there!
6 Teach your children
    right from wrong,
    and when they are grown
    they will still do right.
7 The poor are ruled by the rich,
    and those who borrow
    are slaves of moneylenders.
8 Troublemakers get in trouble,
    and their terrible anger
    will get them nowhere.
9 The Lord blesses everyone
    who freely gives food
    to the poor.
10 Arguments and fights
    will come to an end,
    if you chase away those
    who insult others.
11 The king is the friend of all
who are sincere
    and speak with kindness.
12 The Lord watches over everyone
    who shows good sense,
    but he frustrates the plans
    of deceitful liars.
13 Don’t be so lazy that you say,
    “If I go to work,
    a lion will eat me!”
14 The words of a bad woman
    are like a deep pit;
    if you make the Lord angry,
    you will fall right in.
15 All children are foolish,
    but firm correction
    will make them change.
16 Cheat the poor to make profit
or give gifts to the rich—
    either way you lose.

Thirty Wise Sayings

17 Here are some sayings
    of people with wisdom,
    so listen carefully
    as I teach.
18 You will be glad
that you know these sayings
    and can recite them.
19 I am teaching them today,
    so that you
    may trust the Lord.
20 I have written thirty sayings
    filled with sound advice.
21 You can trust them completely
    to give you the right words
    for those in charge of you.

-1-

22 Don’t take advantage
of the poor
    or cheat them in court.
23 The Lord is their defender,
    and what you do to them,
    he will do to you.

-2-

24 Don’t make friends with anyone
    who has a bad temper.
25 You might turn out like them
    and get caught in a trap.

-3-

26 Don’t guarantee to pay
    someone else’s debt.
27 If you don’t have the money,
    you might lose your bed.

-4-

28 Don’t move a boundary marker[a]
    set up by your ancestors.

-5-

29 If you do your job well,
    you will work for a ruler
    and never be a slave.

Footnotes:

25 Times

Today I went up and down Swallow Cliff 25 times.  It was a celebration of how much weight I have lost since August.  I know I will pay for it later but it was an incredible feeling.  I know that the Lord allowed me to feel that because later I visited my MIL and it was really sad.  Then I came home to my husband having a temper tantrum because he could not put something together.  Life is not always fair but I see God's hand in my life so much.  Even though there are points of my life that are changing I see where His hand is guiding me.

Psalm 139 NIRV For the director of music. A psalm of David. 1 Lord, you have seen what is in my heart. You know all about me. 2 You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know what I'm thinking even though you are far away. 3 You know when I go out to work and when I come back home. You know exactly how I live. 4 Lord, even before I speak a word, you know all about it. 5 You are all around me. You are behind me and in front of me. You hold me in your power. 6 I'm amazed at how well you know me. It's more than I can understand. 7 How can I get away from your Spirit? Where can I go to escape from you? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the deepest parts of the earth, you are also there. 9 Suppose I were to rise with the sun in the east and then cross over to the west where it sinks into the ocean. 10 Your hand would always be there to guide me. Your right hand would still be holding me close. 11 Suppose I were to say, "I'm sure the darkness will hide me. The light around me will become as dark as night." 12 Even that darkness would not be dark to you. The night would shine like the day, because darkness is like light to you. 13 You created the deepest parts of my being. You put me together inside my mother's body. 14 How you made me is amazing and wonderful. I praise you for that. What you have done is wonderful. I know that very well. 15 None of my bones was hidden from you when you made me inside my mother's body. That place was as dark as the deepest parts of the earth. When you were putting me together there, 16 your eyes saw my body even before it was formed. You planned how many days I would live. You wrote down the number of them in your book before I had lived through even one of them. 17 God, your thoughts about me are priceless. No one can possibly add them all up. 18 If I could count them, they would be more than the grains of sand. If I were to fall asleep counting and then wake up, you would still be there with me. 19 God, I wish you would kill the people who are evil! I wish those murderers would get away from me! 20 They
20 They are your enemies. They misuse your name. They misuse it for their own evil purposes. 
21 Lord, I really hate those who hate you! I really hate those who rise up against you! 
22 I have nothing but hatred for them. I consider them to be my enemies. 
23 God, see what is in my heart. Know what is there. Put me to the test. Know what I'm thinking. 

24 See if there's anything in my life you don't like. Help me live in the way that is always right.

Sunday, December 22, 2019

Little signs from God

God was really good on my run today.  I listened to Michael W Smith's first Christmas album and it just healed my soul.  The song Christ the Messiah came on and I saw this manger scene outside.  What a blessing.  Then I got a few decent pictures of Santa.


It was a good day at church.  The kids did a nice job today in service.  Holly tried to take the credit and had the kids come after her in the second song.  But it was pretty obvious that Michael the children director  was running the show.  Even though I was with the kids I got to sing too along side of keeping Mather with his mom on task.    After they got to the front for the dancing they did what Michael wanted them to do. 

As you know I have been quite discouraged with the whole worship thing.  I have been praying for Holly and keeping a good attitude but I can't accept that I have been not asked lately.  I know I am a good singer and I keep a good attitude.  But today I sat in church for the first time as a observer since June.  Worship was really flat.  I am not being unfair but it was really dead. The people in front are 35 or younger. It was all melody.  No harmony and no expression.  I am over the whole being on the platform after  seeing so many humble fantastic songs on YouTube lately.  I am done wanting something I don't need to be a part of.  God will open up music when it is time.  

  At the end of kids church there was  a little time and we were stuck in this tiny room.  I came up with the idea that we sing Christmas carols when the parents picked up the kids.  Usually that would crash and burn but the Spirit was all over it and the kids and adults kept on doing various songs.  It was amazing and the kids were super good.  This went on for about fifteen minutes.

  Then I left and had to come back because someone accidentally put their keys in my purse.  When I got back the youth told me about this guy I did not have a good gut feeling that was Lee's friend that visited youth.  He can't come to church or young adult but Lee is letting him come to youth at his house. He also has a poor attitude toward women.    There was been quite a bit of drama over this the last few weeks and I am so thankful that I was not a part of it. My gut feeling of the unhealthiness of Lee's attitude toward me as a female and also his constant fire and brimstone message was God's way of getting me out of unnecessary stress in my life.  It was like God had protected me again from a stressful and dangerous situation.  I cant be part of a ministry where people are allowed that are not safe for our teens.  

Then the Smoky bunny died.  Please pray for Mike.  I am sad but the bunny was suffering.  We will be getting another one because I suggested it.  Mike wanted an older female but I suggested we pray and go with a youngster. So that will probably happen on the 26th or 27th.   So a new adventure but I will miss my friend. 


I look at my house and suddenly a see what  a mess it is but I know it will get clean little by little.  That is how my life has got to be.  Fixed little by little.  Things revealed little by little.

Yesterday I was reminded of why I had not pursued some things and how even with a few toxic relationships he had protected me.   I am allowing myself to be put on the shelf with maybe not pacing so much, working the special rec, youth group participation and last accepting my retirement for the fourth time in worship.  But it is okay.  God sees

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

Saturday, December 21, 2019

Selfishness



I got the absolutely dumbest Christmas presents ever from my students.  Complete junk.  Total crap.  Honestly I wished I had gotten nothing.   And then the kids.  Totally not appreciating anything and just gimmie gimmie. 

Today I had the opportunity to run a virtual 5K and the only person I saw that I could run with was another one of the gimmie gimmies. 

I have let go of relationships.  One where the person was toxic  to me emotionally and another who is toxicing her body with pain pills. 

And my BIL and SIL.  Cleaning out my MIL apartment.  So much junk.  I am so sick of stuff.  I throw out and there is more and more crap.  And with the crap goes a crappy attitude. 

I will in this next year set the standard for gratefulness.  I will use please and thank you more and teach my rascals this too.  Even if it is not geniune I will be the change. 


Then because of others choices I am associated with I am thought of in a certain way.  I choose to stay away so my reputation I work so hard with is not shattered.

Then the things I can't control.  Why I am not on team.  Why Why . 
And I will continue to limit myself on toxic people. 

phesians 5:20, NIV: "always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:20, NLT: "And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Pain Plan Purpose

I was ready for my meeting with this toxic parent. They never come to meetings, they never answer my emails and then out of the blue they show up with a list of compliants.  I look so dumb to my admin who tries to figure out what I did wrong to avoid them going to the next step the administration office.

I prepare, I pray and plan.  I wake up and change my attitude to what can I do to appease these parents.  I have my plan of change and what I do to service the kid..  My admin forgets about the meeting.  The parent does not show up. 

I am angry.  Angry at my admin for not supporting me.  Mad for setting up this stupid meeting.  Frustrated that no one talks to anyone and that I had this unneeded stress.

But through the challenge I learn something about myself.  God is with me and I am changing.  I am dealing with tougher stuff.  

I go see my MIL in the nursing home.  It is a good visit.  She is happy.  I make joy for the other residents.  

I go home upset still about the day and the great lack of support.  I clean the house.  I do the right stuff.  My mentor says no meeting might be your plan God all along. 

This will continue to happen more and more.

I fall into bad habits and eat my frustrations.  Something I have not done in a long time.  I feel awful.  I ache the next day.   I disappoint my aide but not having a classroom where my students are little robots and make all the right choices.  They are special ed with unique needs and quirks.

Psalm 139

 

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 Lord, you have seen what is in my heart. You know all about me. 
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know what I'm thinking even though you are far away. 
3 You know when I go out to work and when I come back home. You know exactly how I live. 
4 Lord, even before I speak a word, you know all about it. 
5 You are all around me. You are behind me and in front of me. You hold me in your power. 
6 I'm amazed at how well you know me. It's more than I can understand. 
7 How can I get away from your Spirit? Where can I go to escape from you? 
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the deepest parts of the earth, you are also there. 
9 Suppose I were to rise with the sun in the east and then cross over to the west where it sinks into the ocean. 
10 Your hand would always be there to guide me. Your right hand would still be holding me close. 
11 Suppose I were to say, "I'm sure the darkness will hide me. The light around me will become as dark as night." 
12 Even that darkness would not be dark to you. The night would shine like the day, because darkness is like light to you. 
13 You created the deepest parts of my being. You put me together inside my mother's body. 
14 How you made me is amazing and wonderful. I praise you for that. What you have done is wonderful. I know that very well. 
15 None of my bones was hidden from you when you made me inside my mother's body. That place was as dark as the deepest parts of the earth. When you were putting me together there, 
16 your eyes saw my body even before it was formed. You planned how many days I would live. You wrote down the number of them in your book before I had lived through even one of them. 
17 God, your thoughts about me are priceless. No one can possibly add them all up. 
18 If I could count them, they would be more than the grains of sand. If I were to fall asleep counting and then wake up, you would still be there with me. 
19 God, I wish you would kill the people who are evil! I wish those murderers would get away from me! 
20 They are your enemies. They misuse your name. They misuse it for their own evil purposes. 
21 Lord, I really hate those who hate you! I really hate those who rise up against you! 
22 I have nothing but hatred for them. I consider them to be my enemies. 
23 God, see what is in my heart. Know what is there. Put me to the test. Know what I'm thinking. 
24 See if there's anything in my life you don't like. Help me live in the way that is always right.

I have  parent mad at me because his son is making up stories of what happens in the room or remembers stuff that happened in the past to get attention from his dad who is back for a season in the picture.  He does strange things at school.  Dad says he does it at home.  Principal is upset at me.  I feel like she is  accusing me of lying.  I give up.  I need a break.  Thank you Lord for seeing all of the picture.  

My husband is talking to the worship team director about me being back on team.  I know I am one of the best singers.  I know I am supposed to blend and not stand out.  Why don't I get on even after an email and a word from my husband.  I know the majority of my time needs to be in kids church and I love it but I am sad and angry because my talents are being neglected.  

I am frustrated because I can't seem to finish my certification.  My students are so low and needy I get side tracked.  I used to write but now they don't use any of my articles for the past few months.  I see that the direction of the publication is going towards money and selling stuff.  I am not selling anything.  I just want to change lives. 

Why or why.  When God when.  I know you see me. I give this mess this diappointments to you.  Help me figure out how to navigate on the path of good choices.