Saturday, December 21, 2019

Selfishness

I got the absolutely dumbest Christmas presents ever from my students. Complete junk. Total crap. Honestly I wished I had gotten nothing. And then the kids. Totally not appreciating anything and just gimmie gimmie.

Today I had the opportunity to run a virtual 5K and the only person I saw that I could run with was another one of the gimmie gimmies.

I have let go of relationships. One where the person was toxic to me emotionally and another who is toxicing her body with pain pills.

And my BIL and SIL. Cleaning out my MIL apartment. So much junk. I am so sick of stuff. I throw out and there is more and more crap. And with the crap goes a crappy attitude.

I will in this next year set the standard for gratefulness. I will use please and thank you more and teach my rascals this too. Even if it is not geniune I will be the change.

Then because of others choices I am associated with I am thought of in a certain way. I choose to stay away so my reputation I work so hard with is not shattered.

Then the things I can't control. Why I am not on team. Why Why .
And I will continue to limit myself on toxic people.

phesians 5:20, NIV: "always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:20, NLT: "And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Pain Plan Purpose

I was ready for my meeting with this toxic parent. They never come to meetings, they never answer my emails and then out of the blue they show up with a list of compliants. I look so dumb to my admin who tries to figure out what I did wrong to avoid them going to the next step the administration office.

I prepare, I pray and plan. I wake up and change my attitude to what can I do to appease these parents. I have my plan of change and what I do to service the kid.. My admin forgets about the meeting. The parent does not show up.

I am angry. Angry at my admin for not supporting me. Mad for setting up this stupid meeting. Frustrated that no one talks to anyone and that I had this unneeded stress.

But through the challenge I learn something about myself. God is with me and I am changing. I am dealing with tougher stuff.

I go see my MIL in the nursing home. It is a good visit. She is happy. I make joy for the other residents.

I go home upset still about the day and the great lack of support. I clean the house. I do the right stuff. My mentor says no meeting might be your plan God all along.

This will continue to happen more and more.

I fall into bad habits and eat my frustrations. Something I have not done in a long time. I feel awful. I ache the next day. I disappoint my aide but not having a classroom where my students are little robots and make all the right choices. They are special ed with unique needs and quirks.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 Lord, you have seen what is in my heart. You know all about me.

2 You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know what I'm thinking even though you are far away.

3 You know when I go out to work and when I come back home. You know exactly how I live.

4 Lord, even before I speak a word, you know all about it.

5 You are all around me. You are behind me and in front of me. You hold me in your power.

6 I'm amazed at how well you know me. It's more than I can understand.

7 How can I get away from your Spirit? Where can I go to escape from you?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the deepest parts of the earth, you are also there.

9 Suppose I were to rise with the sun in the east and then cross over to the west where it sinks into the ocean.

10 Your hand would always be there to guide me. Your right hand would still be holding me close.

11 Suppose I were to say, "I'm sure the darkness will hide me. The light around me will become as dark as night."

12 Even that darkness would not be dark to you. The night would shine like the day, because darkness is like light to you.

13 You created the deepest parts of my being. You put me together inside my mother's body.

14 How you made me is amazing and wonderful. I praise you for that. What you have done is wonderful. I know that very well.

15 None of my bones was hidden from you when you made me inside my mother's body. That place was as dark as the deepest parts of the earth. When you were putting me together there,

16 your eyes saw my body even before it was formed. You planned how many days I would live. You wrote down the number of them in your book before I had lived through even one of them.

17 God, your thoughts about me are priceless. No one can possibly add them all up.

18 If I could count them, they would be more than the grains of sand. If I were to fall asleep counting and then wake up, you would still be there with me.

19 God, I wish you would kill the people who are evil! I wish those murderers would get away from me!

20 They are your enemies. They misuse your name. They misuse it for their own evil purposes.

21 Lord, I really hate those who hate you! I really hate those who rise up against you!

22 I have nothing but hatred for them. I consider them to be my enemies.

23 God, see what is in my heart. Know what is there. Put me to the test. Know what I'm thinking.

24 See if there's anything in my life you don't like. Help me live in the way that is always right.

I have parent mad at me because his son is making up stories of what happens in the room or remembers stuff that happened in the past to get attention from his dad who is back for a season in the picture. He does strange things at school. Dad says he does it at home. Principal is upset at me. I feel like she is accusing me of lying. I give up. I need a break. Thank you Lord for seeing all of the picture.

My husband is talking to the worship team director about me being back on team. I know I am one of the best singers. I know I am supposed to blend and not stand out. Why don't I get on even after an email and a word from my husband. I know the majority of my time needs to be in kids church and I love it but I am sad and angry because my talents are being neglected.

I am frustrated because I can't seem to finish my certification. My students are so low and needy I get side tracked. I used to write but now they don't use any of my articles for the past few months. I see that the direction of the publication is going towards money and selling stuff. I am not selling anything. I just want to change lives.

Why or why. When God when. I know you see me. I give this mess this diappointments to you. Help me figure out how to navigate on the path of good choices.

Monday, December 16, 2019

Big Brother Is Watching You

Deuteronomy 20:4

For the LORD your God is He who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.”

Today I was sick of being cold in my room. I have been cold for the last few weeks and I have contacted the office, the district office and cced my boss. I contacted the sped ed director and then my boss is in my room telling me that I did not contact her. There is so no heat. But what I learned is that my boss is so parinoid they are checking all the emails. This is crazy. No privacy anywhere but at least God protects me.

Sunday, December 15, 2019

It's not About Winning

It was 4:39 in the evening and I am ready to take it easy. It had been a busy Sunday and taking off youth has been a great putting my energy into the children in the morning.

My sil had called all freaking out at us with all the cleaning she had to do, all that she had done, and her three out of control teens. I have to admit that about sent me over the edge. Everyone falls for her tantrums and it just does not work for someone turning 50 soon.

At first I just wanted to shout my frustration to my husband. Then I had to think about my prioriities. Wha tis most important. How I helped Mike and how I reacted to the situation.

I was proud of myself. I was able to keep my cool and just shut up.

Proverbs 17:28 New International Version (NIV)

28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent,
and discerning if they hold their tongues.

Saturday, December 14, 2019

Overlook an insult

Proverbs 12:15-17

!5 The way of fools seems right to them,
but the wise listen to advice.

16 Fools show their annoyance at once,
but the prudent overlook an insult.

17 An honest witness tells the truth,
but a false witness tells lies.

18 The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
    but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Today we cleaned out again my MIL apartment.  What should be a quick job is taking so much longer than needed.  Last week Mike and I had everything pretty much boxed up and ready to go.   I about died but expected to see what my SIL did.  Everything was strewn all over in a disarray mess.  I could hardly contain myself.  But I did.  I knew my quick thinking the week before with the toss party was a good one.

She was actually getting rid of stuff but everything had to go through this crazy process.  I actually saw a few things I wanted to take for my classroom but hesitated because of the smoke and mold from the other place my MIL lived in.  And frankly I just wanted to toss and toss.

But I was told under no uncertain terms that we could not throw anything away.  I wondered if I would of done a bunch the week before would she of noticed.  But no matter.

I kept quiet and still through the whole process.  She even accused me and said you probably want to toss it all.  I kept quiet.  She asked me what I had been up to lately.  I said nothing.  It hurt but somehow I was prepared for it.  It felt absolutely much more peaceful when she finally left and we did some cleaning before we left.

I came home and started to process of throwing out some old books in our house.  If I can do a little every day we won't have this problem when we got old and decrepid.  

Just like work and church music ministry I leave the battles to the Lord and not me.  Even a fool is thought smart if he keeps silent.  I would rather be silent than stupid.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

ContentmentL A Choice

https://www.google.com/search?q=contentment+with+godliness&rlz=1CADSMM_enUS857&tbm=isch&sxsrf=ACYBGNTnwZ4KI_hNZ9TNVXG24PyfZjnU1A:1576087152319&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQguWWlq7mAhUkU98KHdh_ABIQ_AUICigB&biw=1366&bih=609&dpr=1#imgrc=YZIYeYfn21IkXM:

This has been quite the week. First I got called into the office for doing something nice. So stupid. I had to appologize for doing good and I did.

Tuesday happened and I had a parent upset with my classroom. The same parent who does not communicate with me, the same one that does not attend meetings, the same one that could of had their child in a more appropriate school but chose mine instead.

Then the whole situation with my MIL. Handled so much like a mess. So sad to see her just there in the nursing home.

Ministry left and ministry seemed to be forgotten. Making a decision to shelf myself and being sheleved.

Then the constant cleaning and worrying with my husband.

But then I thought about it.

God gave me this job. If I am to remain there I need to rejoice even when things go wrong. I need to realize that doing good is not always understood by others. The best way is not always the way for some people. God gave me MIke and even though I might end of doing more than my share who cares. He is a gift and there are many things good with him.
Today I visited my MIL and we had a good visit. I personally think she was drugged up a bit but that is okay.

I can't change others but I can change me.

Thank you Lord for changing me.

Lots have happened to me since August. I have a purpose to be certified. I am walking away from toxic people and situations and I have lost a whooping 24 pounds. I am more confident that ever before I am seeing things differently.

Friday, December 6, 2019

Living in the Midst of Mess

I Corinthians 3:6

Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst?

I am in the midst of some stuff I can't control but I am learning how I respond can be what I am called to do.

First of all my husband is really depressed and stressed out with his job. I try to listen but then I think of all the times I hated what I did and how I just stressed out if I would have a job the next week or day. But I am still here.

Then I think of my church and all the people who frustrate me or I don't understand what they do and why they do it.

I think about my former friends and how I should of left them eons ago.

I think of my closed doors and shelves I am put upon.

I consider whether it is more important to be a pacer or just enjoy the sport I once used to work so hard at.

But I am blessed. Essentially if I stay at my current job I like what I do and having an uninvolved boss is better that micromangages that leaves you alone because she has too many fires to put out. I can handle that

The ministries at church. I can't control a male chovanist and a diva for whatever reason won't let me do worship team. I leave it. I enjoy the freedom of only doing one ministry and doing it well.

The things I have walked away from, the pacing, the writing, and the youth group. Things in my life that needed to be pruned.