Shelf Life

It all started in July just after a trip I took to Ohio.  I came back Friday night after a great time and a firm decision that this would be the year I would pursue my dream of certification of being a Whole Brain Teacher.  Then the crazy started with my coaching for the Chicago Marathon Everyone was seeming to fall apart and I had to work around many people's poor decisions.  Then when I paced the two races that weekend stuff began to happen to me.  Saturday I bombed a pacing gig and realized my pacing might be coming to an end with the faster pacing.  On Sunday I decided to end a toxic relationship once and for all.  Also in the midst of it all I was suddenly being pushed aside in youth ministry and worship team. 

The shelf life.  Not easy but essential.  I see where being on the shelf in youth has been good.  I deserve to be treated with respect.  I choose to walk away from not being appreciated.  Music.  I might not be the youthful one but for some reason I am not chosen.  I know I am a good singer.  I am one of the best.  But for some reason I am put on a shelf.  That is okay.  I would say it does hurt but necessary for a reason.

Third, toxic relationships and saying no to stuff.  I have walked away from three big responsiblities.  Maybe four soon.  It is scary but necessary.  For so long training has been for others.  Now is the time to run for me and experience why I started this sport in the first place.  Now is the time to work out just for me. 

Fourth it is time to say goodbye to some things like ambassadorship, coaching, and temporarilly singing.  And writing when all they publish is articles for their own benefit.

It is good to say goodbye and maybe say hello to new things.  That is a good thing to do.
May the new that is replaced be what God wants me to do and not a ploy to just stay busy.

1 Corinthians 2:9 GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

9 But as Scripture says:

“No eye has seen,
    no ear has heard,
        and no mind has imagined
            the things that God has prepared
                for those who love him.”

Not Enough

I have been doing a lot of questioning on not being enough.  I see it with many events in my life.  Some I can control but most I can't.  Continued weight loss to my goal I can control.  Who I choose to spend time with I can control.  But this I can't control. 

My mother in law has been diagnosed with dementia for some time.  She has unsafely lived by herself for some time.  I got frustrated and left things alone.  I prayed about it but generally let the pieces fall where they pleased.  After almost three days we get the call that my mother in law will finally be put in a nursing home.  This is good news but also bad considering the fact that there will be lots of changes in both Mike and my life.  I am sad because no matter how much Mike and I help it will not be enough.  I am frustrated with how my inlaws handled the situation not telling us and then just dealing with stuff when there was a crisis.  I am angry because this is what always happens to Mike and me.  Living with emergencies because other people choose to live that way. 

Guess it is an opportunity for me to pray more.  I don't want to live like this.  I don't want to have to work till I am so old I have to retire because my body gives out and I have not planned for the future. 

I just wonder when the bottom is going to fall out of my life.  But then I remember the scripture about asking for wisdom.  I just have to.

James 1:5 New International Version (NIV)

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

I also ask for wisdom about other things in my life.  First about the whole youth thing.  I have a Bible degree and somehow my gifts and talents are not used nor respected.  I am supposed to just shut up and be a smiling fixture.  God did not create me that way nor do I feel this is what I am supposed to do.  I have with some prayer made the decision to walk about from it at the end of next month.

Then the music thing.  I am not on the schedule anymore.  I am a good singer.  I am talented.  I am useful.  I am better than average.  I don't look old.  What happened?  I never get prideful with my talents.  I take each time as a treasure and keep the right attitude.  I put the focus on the right places.  I get compliments.  I feel so tossed aside.  I see people who are in it for the wrong reasons and less committed and talent.  And I ask why.  What is up with me.  My mom says there is a reason.  I know that it is true.

 I am thankful for childrens ministry where I am taken seriously and my talents are used.   I have been around this music mountain before.  I have been through this thing before with the speaking.  This is not my first rodeo.  But I still wonder why.  Thank God for kids church and for my opportunities on Whole Brain Teaching.  At least some people take me and my talents seriously.  I give all the praise to God but why?

God I leave it to you.  With the situation with my MIL I leave it with you.  Help me to make the right choices with taking my share in this responsibility.  Help me with my relationship with my inlaws as I navigate through personalities that are counter to my own.  Help us with our finances.  Help me to strike a balance with my work life, my social life and my running life.  Let me find the friends I need to find and rid myself of toxic relationships that are not healthy  or wise to me.

Help me understand what I can't control, or take responsibilty for situations, people and stuff I don't understand.  Help me to be patient in understanding  in Your time Lord why is this happening and what I can learn from it. 

The Balance of Anger and Moving On

It started off pretty innocently with a trainer who was loud and very distracting at the gym.  I was able to see beyond that.  Then a series of texts from my sister in law who is feeling pretty out of control lately.  Got through that and then I got to work and the sub they were supposed to have for my room was not available due to the fact that they had put in or not put in the absence.  All was still going well because I chose not do let a series of poor decisions affect me and then the kicker.  Doing something illegal and affecting my fellow aide in my room.  Time to stand up and say something.  It was pretty stressful.  Then the typical stress of students who are so needing medication and consistency in their lives and not getting upset with them and treating them with kindness.  I see my calmness breaks down walls and what used to be long periods of time of struggle are no more.  Despite the chaos great things happen multiple times a day. My stress level with them in high but controllable. But with all these situations it is a high stress life I live.  Needless to say I was pretty stressed after school with all these challenging situations.  But then I woke up today pretty stressed out.  I had three Zanax yesterday and this mornign frankly I could use another one.  But more than that I need to find the balance of being angry and moving on.

Lord I give you my sister in law who used to give me guilt trips.  Who is so mean and feels so out of control.  I give you my husband who I see abused and goes back for more with his relatves and his job.   I give you my boss and the people who make her nervous and upset to make so many poor decisions.  I give you that trainer who I know self confidence is diminished when I see the tell tale signs of an eating disorder and that fact that she has to scream as a trainer. I give you my students who are so needing the physical love of self care, medication and time.  I give you my aide who frankly I am not sure if she likes me or just tolerates me.  I give you the urge to quit using food so I can make my goal of losing weight to 125 a dream come true.  Show me how to handle it.

Ephesians 4:26 ►

Be you angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath I will reach for an zanax before I reach for a cookie but hopefull there will be a time I won't have to do that.

For a Reason

I have been bummed lately that a few people have not taken me seriously.  For example I know I am an above average singer and whe itn I mentioned about singing they did not put me on the schedule.  Then some people no matter that I have their best interests at heart don't respect my gifts.  Initially it could make me mad but then I realize I can use my gifts where they are appreciated and eventually stuff comes out.  I trust you Lord in the music stuff, the no being taken seriously youth stuff, school stuff and the other stuff.

2 Peter 3:8-9

“ But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

Take Your Hands Off

Psalm 46:8-11 New International Version (NIV)

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields[a] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I am not a fan of Sunday nights.  I go to a ministry where I can feel that I am back in the dark ages.  I am not a women's libber by any means but it is hard when you feel that way.  And tomorrow at work for the work meeting.  Treated less than human and the pressure of others is attempted to be put on you.  I guess I can make a choice.  A chance to see things from another perspective.  The next day I go back to my safe place of my classroom.  A place where I can treat others the way they should be treated.  I can't change others but I know ultimately God is in control and I am not.  

Just do it.

Matthew 6:4-14

4 Just do it - quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. 

5 "And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat? 

6 "Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace. 

7 "The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. 

8 Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. 

9 With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this: Our Father in heaven, Reveal who you are. 

10 Set the world right; Do what's best - as above, so below. 

11 Keep us alive with three square meals. 

12 Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. 

13 Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil. You're in charge! You can do anything you want! You're ablaze in beauty! Yes. Yes. Yes. 

14 "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others.

This morning I woke up and I had to take a mouse trap out to the garbage.  I did not want to do it but something inside me said to just do it.  May I take that attitude when I need to deal with something hard.  I am tired of stupid.  Time to just deal with stuff.  Thanks Lord for giving me courage and wisdom when stuff is hard. 

What is really important

I was really dreading today.  I was nervous about my pacing and seeing HER.  The little girl inside me wanted to be nice to my former friend.  I wanted to say yes to driving her.  I wanted to have her friendship.  But I just can't.  She does not even see what she has done is wrong.  All the bragging about her pacing and I have caught her three times in the last few months cheating or not doing her job.  All the complaining because I wanted to get someplace on time than at the last second.  Not appreciating the free stuff that comes with being able to pace.  Taking advantage of others, causing others to link me with her short comings.  And last of all not being supportive when I truly needed her with my decision about going back on my medication.  A clearly toxic relationship.  No one else sees.  But I choose to live in victory and not allow my short comings to effect my future.  I choose to see things realistically, blame myself when I make a mistake and separate myself from toxic situations.  It is tough to say goodbye.   It is hard when pictures come on your Facebook feed of you and her.  But then without being bitter I remember that the last few years of the damage she has brought to me.  I am proud of myself for walking away.  Eventually others will forget the connection.  I let God be my righteous judge.

cclesiastes 3 ►

New International Version  Par ▾  A Time for Everything 1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 9What do workers gain from their toil? 10I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet a no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. 15Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account. b 16And I saw something else under the sun: In the place of judgment—wickedness was there, in the place of justice—wickedness was there. 17I said to myself, “God will bring into judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time to judge every deed.” 18I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath c ; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?” 22So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?