After all that work.. you don't have my back

Today there was a situation at work and someone of authority threw me under the bus.  It really hurts and it is sad that all I have entrusted to this person I see who they really are and what they feel about me.  It really hurts.  But I am glad that my protection is bigger than authority it is through Christ.  But it still hurts.

Psalm 143 RSV 1 A Psalm of David. Hear my prayer, O LORD; give ear to my supplications! In thy faithfulness answer me, in thy righteousness! 2 Enter not into judgment with thy servant; for no man living is righteous before thee. 3 For the enemy has pursued me; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead. 4 Therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled. 5 I remember the days of old, I meditate on all that thou hast done; I muse on what thy hands have wrought. 6 I stretch out my hands to thee; my soul thirsts for thee like a parched land. [Selah] 7 Make haste to answer me, O LORD! My spirit fails! Hide not thy face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the Pit. 8 Let me hear in the morning of thy steadfast love, for in thee I put my trust. Teach me the way I should go, for to thee I lift up my soul. 9 Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies! I have fled to thee for refuge! 10 Teach me to do thy will, for thou art my God! Let thy good spirit lead me on a level path! 11 For thy name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life! In thy righteousness bring me out of trouble! 12 And in thy steadfast love cut off my enemies, and destroy all my adversaries, for I am thy servant.

God's Favor Not Man's Favor

https://daysofprayer.home.blog/2019/03/21/this-is-how-i-fight-my-battles/


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBl84oZxnJ4


This week I finally figured it out.  God is in charge of my battles.  I don't need to have the favor of man but God.  I kept on hitting my mental head and trying to be nice and it seemed like no one liked me.  But I am seeing when God takes care of me things get done.


I am also seeing God's favor from a day that was supposed to be filled with rain I was able to run in.  Getting a helper who actually will be helpful.  Getting to run a race you got for free because you were honest and finally seeing why I can't do the things I used to do.

I am blessed.  No one else may see it but I do.  Thanks God for letting me see the little victories.

Not so Random Victories

I am thankful for some not so random victories in my life.   First I met with my bosses and they gave me the go ahead on the notebook for guidelines for my para.  It was rewarding to see my hard work appreciated.  Second I got the clear on certification.  Third I fixed a broken vaccumm, took a mouse to the garbage without having two traps,  fixed my MIL's TV and circuit breaker and most importantly got to share my testimony with an atheist.  Need those victories right now despite other frustrations. 

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God's wisdom

I go back to my classroom tomorrow.  I am not looking forward to it.  I am sick of the competitiveness and the feeling I get of being less than enough.  I know it is because they feel that way about themselves.  Let me see things through the Lord's eyes and not my own.  Give me the wisdom to not take things personally and see things as they are.

Yesterday I had to take my MIL with dementia home.  It was pretty stressful.  She was so negative, fearful and disoriented.  She is like a spoiled little child.  But as I held her hand I asked the Lord to help me see the situation as I was supposed to see it.

I am not sure what is going to happen this year at work, with my MIL, with the whole marathon drama thing,  my weight loss and my priorities but one thing is sure.  I give it all to you God.

Isaiah 35:5 New International Version (NIV)

⁵ Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
    and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

Leaving the Past in the Past

This is the race director from the Chicago Marathon.  For years I had a really bad attitude toward him.  In 2007 my second marathon they did not have the proper supplies and had to close the race.  But in the later years they have rectified the problem and they now have ample water.  I was bitter toward him for years but frankly I am not sure what I would of done in that hot situation.  Today I had my picture with him.  I am no longer angry but it is fitting because this will probably be my last full marathon.

One of my friends is still very angry with him.  I realized that God had helped me move on.  What a wonderful freedom He has given me. 


http://quotez.co/there-better-things-ahead-motivational-quotes/

Manna for Today

I really like to worry about the future.  As I finish here at Elim and think about the upcoming school year I am really freaked out.  I don't have the cushion of my anxiety meds and I am a year older.  But I am learning to trust God and worry about the balance of today.

Time to Walk Away

Our field and profession is filled with people who are kind, caring and want to better the lives of the clients we serve.  But there is a point that is not always clear when for our mental, physical and psycological health we have to walk away. Sometimes it is a choice that is made over time and sometimes it is a quick decision.  This summer has been a variety of goodbyes and pleasant hellos.

This summer I needed a break.  After being in a very toxic work environment where I feared my job and felt very unappreciated and began to doubt myself I knew I needed a change.  So instead of taking off the entire summer I decided to do something different. I worked a job at a Christian place where I got to use my giftings as a teacher.  I got to learn a lot and frankly walk away and feel good about myself. I got to rediscover my love of teaching and my students. I dread going back to my former employment but I am going back with the knowledge I am a great instructor and I will not go back feeling inferior and be more assertive for the safety of my children and also my own mental health. 

Another of the passions is fitness training and coaching.  For the last fourteen years I have worked for a local special recreation.  

Recently I had to make some adjustments in my coaching practices.  One was in a few situations where I did not have enough staff. Also the children and adults I was serving were not necessarily in the right and safe situation.  As much as I was passionate about my programs I had to put them down because I was not able to give my all and was worried about the safety of the community I served.  

Second for the last fifteen years  I coached people for the marathon. This year I was promised more help and due to the fact that age was catching up with me I was not able to physically serve the pace group of 12 to 26 minute per mile runners I once did.  Even though it was primarily a volunteer task my group did not appreciate me and even though I had made decisions for the group due to their preferences suddenly what I had put together as a quality program began to fall apart.  As much as I enjoy my Saturday morning runs I am in the midst of probably will be my last coaching season. It is very sad but I know that the stress I have been putting myself in will be gone in October.  

The final straw to this situation is realizing that my closest friends ( not believers ) are more concerned about goals that are not important to me anymore and maybe not the healthiest place for me to be. 

Last I have been successfully pacing racing or the last few years.  But last year something happened. My body began to rebel. Part of it was weight gain, menopause and just plain age but this year it is different.  I am seeing that my desire to pace the faster paces just are not there. I am seeking the Lord on how to navigate something I used to do really well not so good anymore.

For the first time in 15 years I may be finally really stepping down from full time marathoning and coaching and just working on my own self.  It is scary but I pray that the Lord will fill me with what is His will for my Life. 

The easy thing would be to busy myself with other things like emergencies that others have caused due to poor planning or things that would hurt the core things I am supposed to be doing.

I love helping people but I have been seeing that I am living under the shadow of people pleasing.  My physical hunger that has allowed me to put on 40 pounds in the last ten years have been my own spiritual and emotional longing of feeling less than whole.  

Lord I know that I seem to know the purpose you have for me but right now it seems to be changing again.  I trust You that you have it under control. 

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