Today, Mental Health Days, The right way to do things

 Today was an unsual day.  first of all I think I was finally able to bury the hachet with my Bil.  I called him smart and I think that shocked him.  Still don't want to spend loads of time but it broke down some walls today.

Miller sent all of us announcing she was taking a mental health day tomorrow.  I am also going to be gone in the classroom.  That is going to be interested for the rest of the staff that does not show up on time.   When I let my boss know I would be gone she said now you are going to be gone two days right.  Yup.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  I got asked about my meds.   I think some people were digging for stuff.  Then I wanted to say stuff so many times but instead of I sometimes at least not all the time not shutting my mouth.  I leave it all to the Lord. 

What is Fair and watching the real truth coming out.

 Yesterday I had 6 interviews for a new teaching position. I think 6 went well,  5 positions I could see myself in and 4 I think I will definitely get a call back.  Two interviews I felt like they wanted to hire me on the spot, views were best for kids in the school and supportive of their sallf I realized as long as my boss does not get mad and send me on vacations I probably will stay put.  My co teachers in K are amazing, many people have taken me aside and let me know what happened was totally stupid and I love my babies.  Having less pressure I am able to focus on what I do best and discover the gifts through Christ I possess.

On the other hand I had three situations where I had to stand up for myself and do what is right and my kids.  It was not easy and I do not like confrontation but it needed to be address.  Part for what is best for my babies and respect for me.

I am learning what to ignore and what to address. 

Beyond the Surface

 I have been sleeping quite yucky lately.  I have been not able to get a good or excellent rating.  Most of the time it says are you still alive rating.  

I noticed yesterday my eyes were looking like one of my students.  I had been doing crying a lot in the last two days.  Maybe that is why she has her moments of being bad as well as her disability.  Another one of my students decided to take off her clothes in the line.  A way to get attention I would say.  I might give her more today.  

Yesterday my aide whom my boss likes decided instead of her being in control which she wants she would take it easy.  I had to do everything including teaching my tribe and another rascal.  

Last I told my boss no on the bus. I will do whatever she asks during my contract hours but I will not be riding busses especially those who only pay less than minimum wage because it is so long.

I will keep my mouth shut but I will also look as the Lord would be  understanding what is under neath. 

Upside Down Kingdom

 Today was a day especially would call upside down  From uncaring principals to stupid does not make sense with teachers and paras I came home and took too many vanilla Oreos.  I know it does not help, I need to pray more but after today I just want to see five heads roll to unemployment and eventually laugh at a situation i can't control.  All my dreams are about me out of control, others refusing to have self-control and watching many things happen( like my students)

I give today and tonight to you.

Peace

 Yesterday was a mix of blessings and pain.  First I got to sing at my parents' church.  This is the first time I have sat in a big peoples service since my seizures.  I got to sing and unfortunately at the practice I teared up at the end.  It took everything for me to not do it during church and freeze up.

The verses were about peace.  And in the Lutheran church the Bible is preplanned over a year before.  My song also prepared but not planned to go with the verses.  The people who usually used to the old and true music were touched.  I know it was the right song for the right time.  I was embarrassed I cried during practice but I felt that the Lord allowed my family especially my dad to see the pain I am experiencing. 

I have been sleeping really crappy. One is my diet but also my pride that I am no longer in control.  My feelings that it seems no one notices the right things I did such as making copies, buying stuff and equipment that helps my classroom.

I talked via chat on FB to my former minister.  He gave some encouraging words, Bible and one of his books that I already owned on Compfort.

Today I start with a new kid they can't handle in first grade.  He has been in my in my heart since I met him last fall.  I know it is not an accident.

The last two mornings I have woke up to the song Family by We the Kingdom. I realize how my church and work family has failed me.  The part time gigs I walked away have failed me.  My volunteer stuff disappointed me.  I am glad that God my Father has not failed me.  

I choose today to seek You Lord.  Help me get a better nights rest.  I am so tired and hurt today.

Wins and Disappointments

 Yesterday I got to teach WBT for two hours.  Boy was it exhausting.  I had pretty good engagement but it was tiring.    I am now having my job changed again.  A kid that cannot be handled in first grade with two teachers I get to get.  We are breaking all kinds of legal laws by me working with him.  

I am so tired.  I get told I am a crappy teacher yet they need me for so much shit.  This is not the way you treat someone who had ( I did not) a mental breakdown.  I will schedule my day with this kid but I will also feel free to take some days off for myself.

Just when I feel like I can make it this happens

 I woke up from my nap and stuff just overwhelmed me.  I have these dreams where I am in impossible situations and no one really understands what is happening except me.  

I am bleeding and yet instead of giving me a break I am gaslighted and put in situations where I have to not only instantly heal but accelerate.   I know it is part of God's plan but maybe it is time for me to make a change.

Dear Pastor Maddox,

Thank you for praying.  I have been blessed and have had no more seizures since January 1st.  But as I shared with you things have been pretty crazy.  I have been diagnosed and currently in counseling with Meier Clinic with PTSD, Childhood Trauma, Trauma and Anxiety since last May.  

  I was given a classroom this year that the other people including a Christian teacher could not last more than a year with less students than I have. It has been a crazy year with my dad having triple bi- pass, a few students who should of been not in my room, my own personal trauma and lack of help at work.   A little more than  six weeks things have been getting significantly getting worse at work. 

 This is due mostly by others decisions. I have aides and a co teacher who do the absolute bare minimum. I was accused of things I had not done.  I really had to seek the Lord and wonder if I was the one going crazy.  Listening to good Christian teaching, daily reading of my Bible and prayer showed me I had not lost it.   Due to my children's disabilities there are safety measures in place but they were not followed. 

 I had sent work orders and requests to my administration  regarding these issues but they were ignored or told that they were my fault.    Previously the last three days before the incident  I had put in work orders to adjust my heat and fix my lock but nothing happened.  I also spoke to my union both at the local and state level but there was nothing done to address these issues.  I truly believe that the heat being too hot allowed my windows to be open.  Otherwise how would I had been able to get in.  I also believe that the Lord knew and did allow this event to happen. 

About three weeks ago I was alone in my class during lunch when no one else was in the room  I sat or stood  at the door to make sure my students do not escape.  I was supposed to have help but no one showed up.  One of my students decided to strip.  As I was helping her dress another student took that as an opportunity, fiddle with my  broken lock and when I left it closed and was locked.  My boss went overboard and instead of seeing ghe situation for herself she called district.  I explained and documented the incident but I was given a two week medical leave.  

 

  I had to undergo a medical and psyc exam which I am happy to say I quickly passed. I also wrote a rebuttal of the incident and had my Christian editor correct it so when I presented it to the school they would put it in my file. I am happy to say they did and the fellow  they asked to write a written explanation wrote that the administration and my staff  had been at fault. 

  When I returned  to work last week instead of giving me a break I was given a co teacher who did not respect me.  The whole room was totally changed and they used all my personal equipment and stashed what they did not want in the room in a closet. My boss gladly told me how things were better at least two or three days  and I spent the week taking care of  her assignments she had not dealt with including some subbing.   

 That was fine with me because I did not have to be in the room and see my class not being properly cared for. Mike has tried to deal with this the best he can but he is really mad at my district and at God.  I know that God is able but things keep on popping up and I feel so helpless. 

  My family knows but no one in my church except for one friend  I am hurting so bad and I wish I felt comfortable sharing this with others. I am afraid if they knew like when I walk down the hallway and see teachers they would wonder about me.   So I am making the change of doing kids ministry every week and spending time a few times a month at a watch party for Elevation Church. Mike sees my pain and has given me the okay to go to the watch party.   I need to heal and pray.  I am looking for a closer relationship with God.  I have in the last year even before I started Christian counselling  taking the toxic and unfruitful things in my class.   Thanks for letting me share your story and letting me share mine.