I woke up from my nap and stuff just overwhelmed me. I have these dreams where I am in impossible situations and no one really understands what is happening except me.
I am bleeding and yet instead of giving me a break I am gaslighted and put in situations where I have to not only instantly heal but accelerate. I know it is part of God's plan but maybe it is time for me to make a change.
Dear Pastor Maddox,
Thank you for praying. I have been blessed and have had no more seizures since January 1st. But as I shared with you things have been pretty crazy. I have been diagnosed and currently in counseling with Meier Clinic with PTSD, Childhood Trauma, Trauma and Anxiety since last May.
I was given a classroom this year that the other people including a Christian teacher could not last more than a year with less students than I have. It has been a crazy year with my dad having triple bi- pass, a few students who should of been not in my room, my own personal trauma and lack of help at work. A little more than six weeks things have been getting significantly getting worse at work.
This is due mostly by others decisions. I have aides and a co teacher who do the absolute bare minimum. I was accused of things I had not done. I really had to seek the Lord and wonder if I was the one going crazy. Listening to good Christian teaching, daily reading of my Bible and prayer showed me I had not lost it. Due to my children's disabilities there are safety measures in place but they were not followed.
I had sent work orders and requests to my administration regarding these issues but they were ignored or told that they were my fault. Previously the last three days before the incident I had put in work orders to adjust my heat and fix my lock but nothing happened. I also spoke to my union both at the local and state level but there was nothing done to address these issues. I truly believe that the heat being too hot allowed my windows to be open. Otherwise how would I had been able to get in. I also believe that the Lord knew and did allow this event to happen.
About three weeks ago I was alone in my class during lunch when no one else was in the room I sat or stood at the door to make sure my students do not escape. I was supposed to have help but no one showed up. One of my students decided to strip. As I was helping her dress another student took that as an opportunity, fiddle with my broken lock and when I left it closed and was locked. My boss went overboard and instead of seeing ghe situation for herself she called district. I explained and documented the incident but I was given a two week medical leave.
I had to undergo a medical and psyc exam which I am happy to say I quickly passed. I also wrote a rebuttal of the incident and had my Christian editor correct it so when I presented it to the school they would put it in my file. I am happy to say they did and the fellow they asked to write a written explanation wrote that the administration and my staff had been at fault.
When I returned to work last week instead of giving me a break I was given a co teacher who did not respect me. The whole room was totally changed and they used all my personal equipment and stashed what they did not want in the room in a closet. My boss gladly told me how things were better at least two or three days and I spent the week taking care of her assignments she had not dealt with including some subbing.
That was fine with me because I did not have to be in the room and see my class not being properly cared for. Mike has tried to deal with this the best he can but he is really mad at my district and at God. I know that God is able but things keep on popping up and I feel so helpless.
My family knows but no one in my church except for one friend I am hurting so bad and I wish I felt comfortable sharing this with others. I am afraid if they knew like when I walk down the hallway and see teachers they would wonder about me. So I am making the change of doing kids ministry every week and spending time a few times a month at a watch party for Elevation Church. Mike sees my pain and has given me the okay to go to the watch party. I need to heal and pray. I am looking for a closer relationship with God. I have in the last year even before I started Christian counselling taking the toxic and unfruitful things in my class. Thanks for letting me share your story and letting me share mine.
