Our field and profession is filled with people who are kind, caring and want to better the lives of the clients we serve. But there is a point that is not always clear when for our mental, physical and psycological health we have to walk away. Sometimes it is a choice that is made over time and sometimes it is a quick decision. This summer has been a variety of goodbyes and pleasant hellos.
This summer I needed a break. After being in a very toxic work environment where I feared my job and felt very unappreciated and began to doubt myself I knew I needed a change. So instead of taking off the entire summer I decided to do something different. I worked a job at a Christian place where I got to use my giftings as a teacher. I got to learn a lot and frankly walk away and feel good about myself. I got to rediscover my love of teaching and my students. I dread going back to my former employment but I am going back with the knowledge I am a great instructor and I will not go back feeling inferior and be more assertive for the safety of my children and also my own mental health.
Another of the passions is fitness training and coaching. For the last fourteen years I have worked for a local special recreation.
Recently I had to make some adjustments in my coaching practices. One was in a few situations where I did not have enough staff. Also the children and adults I was serving were not necessarily in the right and safe situation. As much as I was passionate about my programs I had to put them down because I was not able to give my all and was worried about the safety of the community I served.
Second for the last fifteen years I coached people for the marathon. This year I was promised more help and due to the fact that age was catching up with me I was not able to physically serve the pace group of 12 to 26 minute per mile runners I once did. Even though it was primarily a volunteer task my group did not appreciate me and even though I had made decisions for the group due to their preferences suddenly what I had put together as a quality program began to fall apart. As much as I enjoy my Saturday morning runs I am in the midst of probably will be my last coaching season. It is very sad but I know that the stress I have been putting myself in will be gone in October.
The final straw to this situation is realizing that my closest friends ( not believers ) are more concerned about goals that are not important to me anymore and maybe not the healthiest place for me to be.
Last I have been successfully pacing racing or the last few years. But last year something happened. My body began to rebel. Part of it was weight gain, menopause and just plain age but this year it is different. I am seeing that my desire to pace the faster paces just are not there. I am seeking the Lord on how to navigate something I used to do really well not so good anymore.
For the first time in 15 years I may be finally really stepping down from full time marathoning and coaching and just working on my own self. It is scary but I pray that the Lord will fill me with what is His will for my Life.
The easy thing would be to busy myself with other things like emergencies that others have caused due to poor planning or things that would hurt the core things I am supposed to be doing.
I love helping people but I have been seeing that I am living under the shadow of people pleasing. My physical hunger that has allowed me to put on 40 pounds in the last ten years have been my own spiritual and emotional longing of feeling less than whole.
Lord I know that I seem to know the purpose you have for me but right now it seems to be changing again. I trust You that you have it under control.
